Dodging Bullets...

So when I first started this blog almost 2 years ago, when I was having an ultra bad day I would post up all the happy things going on in an effort to cheer myself up. (And thereby keeping up the illusion that this blog was my "Happy place.")

Today I am stressed and overwhelmed, and still upset about some things that happened last week (which I haven't mentioned on here...happy! happy!)

So yeah, here's a bullet list of happy things going on around me, let's see if this still works on cheering me up:

• I have yummy leftovers in the fridge for dinner tonight.
• I saw My person and baby on Saturday and it was lovely.
• I am going to see D2 this coming Saturday - it's been about 3 months since I last saw him.
• I got a delivery notice yesterday for a letter, which I am assuming means my passport has arrived- so I can now travel across borders legally - which one of my not-so-Canadian bloggy friends wants to invite me over?
  
• I am not pregnant.
• I am not dying.
• I have a full tank of gas.
• My hair looks OK today.
• The Monday work deadline that was totally freaking me out has been extended to February.
  
• I have prepared cookie dough in the fridge all ready for baking tonight. (Let me know if you want some and I'll Express Post you some chocolate chip cookies!)
• My pom pom boots have only untied themselves twice today (so far).
• Supernatural starts again this week (mmmm Jensen....)

Uh yeah, that's all I've got. And I'm not sure it's enough. What have YOU got? Tell me one happy thing.

PS - Anyone want a bloggy Valentine? Not the Life I Ordered has a fabulously inspired idea!

xo

Honesty is Way Tiring...

So the absolutely lovely Alice, from Mindless Ramblings of a 26 Year Old gave me this award - isn't it pretty?

The rules are that you must give 10 honest things about yourself and then nominate some others (I think 7) and then they do the same. I think the point is to nominate very "honest" blogs.

Now, with the exception of perhaps playing up my girliness just a wee bit, this whole blog is honest. I don't ever lie or misrepresent myself on here. My feelings are my feelings, and even if it makes me look bad, I'm not going to tell a story in a way other than what really happened. So, to qualify the below as "honest" seems a bit unnecessary to me, but who am I to complain about the rules?

So - Ten Things:

1. Regarding this blog - sometimes I think that if I was a bit more "ranty" I would get more readers. I see a lot of the more popular blogs that swear a lot and go off on tangents about - well it seems like everything. But I'm concerned that if I start doing that on here, it's going to spill over to life, and suddenly I'll turn into one of those people that in general make me pretty angry. They can't seem to shut up about things that piss them off, and how the world is so unfair. Ugh, I far prefer to accept responsibility for what makes me unhappy in life, kind of just let the rest go. It seems a lot less heart attack-inducing.

2. My back has been hurting for the past week. I have been having some beautiful fantasies about a hotstone massage. I'm debating about spending the money, because I know I should be saving for my Florida trip in April, and I still have to pay off my credit card...

3. I don't drink coffee. And only occasionally drink tea. Nor do I smoke or really drink. I am concerned that I have an unnatural addiction to fountain Diet Pepsi/Coke (with cherries). I have a craving for it every day. I think it comes from eating out too much. I really need to cook at home more.

4. I tried to bake some chocolate chip cookies for My Person and her DH yesterday. Fail. I seem to think that I'm the best baker next to Betty Crocker, yet I sometimes wonder if people aren't just humouring me.

5. You know how a lot of dating sites have 3 categories? "Dating" "Relationship" and something along the lines of "Booty Call"? I put myself into category 3 for a couple of months, it was hilarious enough that I don't regret doing it, but I am in awe with how many men are willing to be much more aggressive and spend money to have full memberships just to get sex, as opposed to finding something more meaningful. I may have to go off on a series of posts about what I've learned about humanity from that brief experience. I have since taken my profile down, as I expected I would.

6. There is no way I'm writing 10 things about myself here.

7. Yup, I think this is the last thing: I'm really hungry right now. I think I'm going to do some combination of eggs, hashbrowns and toast. And then my cupboard is pretty much empty. Good thing I'm going to the parents' for dinner tonight. That should guarantee me some leftovers.

Nominations: Of honest bloggers? Well let me qualify this with: if I don't nominate you, it by no means implies that I think you're lying!

1. Miss Britt
2. Glamour Puss
3. Sheila
4. Chief Rock Chef
5. Amber
6. Soap Box Princess
7. Karl

All these bloggers really put their lives out there for the world to see - the good, the bad, the hilarious.

xo

I Do Like Some Traditions...Just Not This One...

So the other day I was driving past the movie theatre and there was a HUGE poster of a 20 foot tall Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway staring down at me. They were back to back wearing wedding dresses and clutching bouquets.

Aside from freaking me out, cause they looked all Satan-like, it got me thinking about weddings. Now everyone has heard of the idea that every little girl plans her wedding from the time she's old enough to understand what one is. Me? I didn't do that.

Even before I was old enough to view weddings as the ceremonial passing of chattel (the bride) from one master (her father) to another (the husband) I didn't care about them much.

I've been a bridesmaid 4 times, and the maid of honour twice. I've been in weddings that have involved almost no work at all, I've had bridezillas and I've even had one or two OK weddings.

The recurring theme? A lot of women care more about the wedding than they do about the marriage. Sad. That's why men don't get as involved as you would like ladies - they're looking big picture- the wedding is a day, the marriage is forever. All they care about is having a drink and getting the big expense over with. (Yes, yes, there are exceptions....)

- I've been greeted at the door by bride's mothers with "PLEASE get her into a good mood before I kill her."
- I've had brides calling me all night as I was out drinking with their sisters after the rehearsal so we could each fortify ourselves for the hell we knew was going to come the next day.
- I've walked out on brides mid-task because I couldn't stand the way they were speaking both to me and to their fiancés.
- I've had endless brides thank me in their toasts because I did so much work for the wedding I should have been in the wedding party.
- I've had calls the night before the ceremony about me being the MC- "oh, did I not tell you that I needed you to do that? In French?"
- I've had to offer therapy to bowls of goldfish being transported for table centrepieces to out of town receptions, located at the end of very bumpy gravel roads.
- I've had to take brides to second hair appointments on the day of their wedding because they didn't like how the first one turned out.

And after all that? Do I want to get married? Only if I can plan a very special anti-wedding.
You can take the girl out of the event planning job, but you can't take the event planning out of the girl. I don't dream about marriage. Mostly cause the groom in question is so fuzzy that I can't even imagine him into tangibility.

I do dream about the excuse to plan a party of that magnitude and with that budget. I wonder if I could convince my Dad to just front me the money anyways if I promise to invite him, and with the caveat that if I ever do find some sucker willing to marry someone as neurtoic and eccentric as I am, we'll pay 100%.

I'm thinking something along the lines of a carnival. I want a massive room separated into tents.

One tent will have burlesque dancers, with cigar girls and a live 40's era band.
The next tent will have a fortune teller - crytal ball, tea leaves, tarot, crystals....
The next tent will have karaoke/Guitar Hero/Rock Band
Of course we'll need a food tent.
Another tent will have a pool table, and an air hockey table.
Of course one tent can have dancing.
Maybe a mime can walk around.

And some awesome goody bags at the end.

And what does this have to do with a wedding? Not much at all really. The only things that are wedding like that I would want is a photographer, and cake. I like cake.

No speeches. No pouffy dress. No entourage all dressed the same, flocking around me and my intended. No registry. No showers. No stress.

Weddings are a big industry. I get that. But why do they have to be so torturous?
I am the best person in the world to have in a wedding party - I firmly believe that people should be able to have one special day that they own completely. But I don't want anything like what I've seen to date.

Cause in my mind? Weddings suck.

xo

Get Over It

A few weeks ago I was to have a Christmas dinner with a few of my former co-workers. Only one of the four of us is still at that place.

I chose to not go. Now to be honest, my excuse of sickness was not a lie. I was in fact sick, and most likely I should not have gone to the dinner. But that isn't why I canceled. I canceled because I didn't want to go.

I had gone to a concert a few weeks earlier with one of those ex co-workers and found that we didn't have much to say to each other. (Or rather, she talked about herself and didn't seem interested in my life) She had been at the job much longer, and had left more recently than I had. I was surprised at her lack of knowledge of the person who took over her position and what was going on there since her departure.

She told me that she didn't care and that she had moved on, and that I needed to "get over it."

A few weeks prior to that I had sent the one remaining co-worker an email about something that I thought my ex-boss would be interested in. I asked her to forward it along, but to please keep my name out of it.

She said no, and told me to "get over it."

Hmmm, solid advice, no?

I do in fact need to "get over it." It's been almost 8 months since I've left. I need to immerse myself in my new job and forget about the past.

So why did I cancel on the Christmas dinner? Because I realized that I am not in fact over it. And to be callously told to do so may be tough love in their minds, but quite honestly was hurtful in mine. While at dinner, I would have wanted to talk about it. I would have then resisted the urge to do so, because I know they wouldn't have wanted to talk about it, and I would have simply sat there resenting the fact that I had to keep my mouth shut.

You see it kills me the way I left my last job. There are some people there who think very badly of me and there is nothing I can do about it. I have on more than one occasion started writing an email to my former boss in the hopes that her and I can come to some sort of resolution. But I know that such a communication would not be welcomed and would most likely just cause more damage.

Now I know that they most likely don't think about me much at all anymore. They have probably moved on with their work and projects and rarely give me a passing thought. But when that thought does occur? It's negative. They think I was irresponsible. They resent the way that I left. They don't understand why I feel vicitimized, when I believe that they think that they are the victims of my behaviour. I know that they feel that they treated me as best as they could.

And the problem is? I understand how they feel. Even if they don't understand me. I frequently try to convince myself that I want to forget all about the past seven years of my life. But that's silly. I learned a lot from that job. Both good and bad. I learned how to be a better employee, and I learned about the kind of person that I don't want to become. And I had a lot of good moments with my former boss.

I guess what I'm looking for is closure- although I hate that word. But I can't stand the fact that I still dream about my last job all the time. And I want to be able to rise above the wish that they would somehow miss me, and acknowledge that maybe I did more than they realized, and that perhaps some things should have been done differently or better, and maybe I would have stayed.

I know that I am in a better place now. A place where my work is genuinely praised, and not in a backhanded way. A place where I am not afraid to send an email for fear that the wording will be criticized. A place where I can keep my calculator wherever I want because really? It's a calculator, so who cares? A place that pays me appropriately for the work that I do, and gives amazing benefits and holidays. A place where my only complaint is that I have to take lunch at a certain time.

I need to get over this. But at this time of year especially, when I am seeing and hearing promotion for the big events that I've worked on at this time for the past seven years, it's impossible. I feel inundated with reminders of how things were, and how things should have been.

Ugh. "Get over it." Not helpful advice.

Meh

So I already wrote a semi-resolutional-type post. So I'm not gonna do that today. (Way to break with the norm Princess- Woo!)

So what exciting little nuggets are you going to get from me today?

I thought about writing an essay on what I did on my Winter Vacay, but since it's not over yet, you'll have to wait until next week.

I also thought about writing a review on the movies I've seen in the past week (Twilight- already been done over and over and over again, Australia - would take too long - since the movie went on and on forever, Valkyrie - not sure I could do it justice)

I also thought about writing about New Year's Eve- why I didn't do anything last night, and my thoughts on the holiday. But Meh.

As much as I have absolutely adored the fact that I've had this holiday - I kind of think it's sucking the life out of me. It's so bizarre for me to be on a break this time of year. For the past seven years of my life - this has always been the absolute busiest, most stressful time of the year. So I kind of don't know what to do with myself right now.

I could take another nap?
I could look at the pile of stuff that I haven't put away from Christmas and you know- put it away?
I could type up the report for my Volunteer Organization that I keep putting off?

Or I could write the most dull post in the world, telling you all about what I'm not doing. Yup. That's the winner.

Love you!
xo