I sit here with my cookie. Not soothed by the soft breeze of the fan or the hum of what is generally a comforting white noise.
Sleep eludes.
I've taken my first sleeping pill. It's small and pink, almost cheerful. Innocent looking.
The pharmacist made me promise to eat a snack with it, hence the cookie lest I become nauseated. She was quick to point out how the pill may take up to an hour to take effect.
Surely I'd already be asleep naturally within an hour.
Perhaps not tonight.
Yet another pill. I wake with headaches - what will it be today? Tylenol or Advil?
Don't forget to take your crazy pill. Feeling fuzzy today? Why not dose up on your allergy meds too?
The apothecary beckons me with his seductive song. Just one tiny little pill and you'll be normal. Ok, maybe 2 or 3 pills. But then you'll be just like everyone else! Balanced, focussed...happy.
The pills dance for me in my head. Sensually and then frantically.
This little pill will cure pain.
This little pill will cure suicidal thoughts.
This little pill will ease you down into beautiful dreams....
Oh, they're not so beautiful? Maybe the apothecary has something for that too!
The pills develop a life of their own. Chaining me down with their promises and punishments.
They dance like the hippos in Fantasia...the elephants in Dumbo...Confusing and mesmerizing, and all for me.
The pills love me, though I hate them. It's like some sort of reverse popularity contest. I want nothing to do with them, though they seem to seek me out.
Grasping at me with their beguiling whispers. Promises of normalcy. Sanity.
I lay in the dark seeking comfort. Seeking oblivion.
I can hear the pills laughing quietly. Not with malice, but sympathy. Always sympathy. They are there to help. All they want to do is take care of me. Why do I resent them when they only want me to be happy...
Monday, June 02, 2008
3AM Thoughts
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6 comments:
After the dreams I had last night, not being able to sleep sounds good! I had lots of different dreams, but they all ended up with me watching someone fall from a high place - off of a building, out of a helicopter, down a cliff. Odd.
Did you sign up for dog walking? I wonder if part of your sleeplessness is that you aren't doing enough to make you tired. A couple of good walks a day might really help.
Hugs!
Hmmm. Maybe there's a part of you that wants to express rather than repress? I take sleeping pilss on occasion because I suffer insomnia, and I find they become habitual - not physically, more psychologically, in that I feel I won't sleep without them. Be careful, Princess, and if they don't help, don't take them.
Puss
That was a beautiful post. Disturbing, but beautiful.
great post... hope you're doing alright today! :)
Hugs! I hope you are feeling better.
I really liked this post... different from your normal style, but in a really engaging way.
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