On Being "Curvy"

So like so many who have come before me- I have signed up for Weight Watchers. Go me.

Cause I? Am "curvy."

Blah blah. Exercise. Blah blah. Cut out carbs and sugar.

Duh.

I will freely admit: I hate getting sweaty. I hate the gym because I feel judged. I also hate the way I look.

I have started avoiding cameras. I can't stand catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I stared at the WW.ca website for days before I could bring myself to actually go weigh myself and finish the registration. Because I avoid scales like the plague.

This is not a particularly original post. So many of you can relate to this. And it's not really the point.

The point? My other blog. The one with the erotic writings. Through there I was directed to a site called Literotica. I posted some of my work on there and found a slew (slough?) of people who wanted to be pen pals. Lots of emails and feedback. Cool.

There is one person in particular though that I've been corresponding with for a few weeks now. He is an excellent, and rather imaginative writer and it's been interesting talking with him. And? He has a thing for "bigger" girls.

It's in his writing. It's in his messages to me. I've sent him the odd photo, and he keeps requesting more. He goes on and on about how he loves my curves - and then of course describes in great detail all the things he would like to do whilst exploring said curves.

And I? Am getting increasingly turned off. I don't understand why the focus needs to be so much on the size. It is actually resulting in making me more uncomfortable than if someone was simply not into me because I'm not tiny enough.

You see I'm not a fraction confident enough to own my curves and emphasize them. I don't want them to be worshiped. I don't want them to be the topic of conversation. I don't want them to be the object of...anything. I just want them to go away.

I suspect that men who have a "thing" for bigger girls feel that they are more enlightened than other men. Less shallow. But is that the case?

I would think that enlightenment would involve simply loving the person for who they are. Not because of the weight. Not despite the weight. The weight is just not even a factor.

I suppose the same argument could be made for anything- people of different race, sexual orientation, religion etc.

I've tried so hard to love myself for who I am. I know that I'm rather pretty. And I can look at other people who aren't tiny models and think that they are genuinely gorgeous. But I just can't look at myself the same way. So to have someone go on about it? Just makes me want to hide in a little corner and demand that they stop looking at me.

I find it hard to wrap my head around this. Is the problem simply with me and my self-esteem? Or am I on to something? Is this worship of the bigger girl simply a different kind of intolerance?

Either way. I just want to lose the weight and not have to worry about it. Apparently I have minimum 65 pounds to go. Ugh. One day at a time right?

xo