Goo

I went for lunch with K the other day and we were discussing women and self-esteem and all that kind of thing. I know it makes my people sad, but I don't think particularly highly of myself. I mean I don't think I'm dumb or god-awful ugly - but for the most part that's all the credit I'll give myself.

Glamour Puss asked me the other day why it is that I find people to be so draining, and whether it was because I feel that I have to please them. In a sense, yes. That's a big part of it. In another sense it's also because I put so much effort into "handling" people.

You see a lot of people confide in me - which I love. I love that I am able to give people some sort of outlet for their frustrations. But at the same time, it shows me a side of a lot of people that not everyone sees. I see what annoys them, and what they hold back from showing people. I see that they grit their teeth and "put up with" people around them.

Now because I know that people do that, I don't ever want to annoy people myself. So I am constantly censoring and measuring my words and actions. Before I speak to anyone I pause. It's just a moment, but it's enough to give me time to gauge their reactions and figure out what kind of mood they're in and how to word what I want to say.

It goes beyond apologising for interrupting. It's assessing their mood, and frame of mind to the point where I will just walk away and not say anything if I think it's going to cause them to be annoyed with me.

Now one might say that this is common courtesy and that everyone does this. I would think so too. I mean doesn't everyone go out of their way to not annoy people? Apparently not. You see the Princess had therapy, and there I found out that what I was doing I was taking to an extreme. I still have a hard time believing that, because even as I'm typing it, it sounds like such a reasonable thing to do. But apparently I'm not entirely correct in that.

So it's safe to say, that along with not thinking very highly of myself, and not really trusting people - people kind of scare me. I think it's a combination of knowing what goes on in my head - and how frustrated I get with humanity, and listening to what people confide in me, and knowing how everyone else feels.

So yes, I find people draining. Not necessarily in a bad way- but in the way that makes me need to take some time out every once in a while. Some time to kind of re-charge and remind myself that just because people vent about other people - doesn't mean that they are complaining about me to yet other people. There's no hidden message there that the things that they are saying to me about "someone else" is actually in reference to me.

I don't know where this insecurity comes from. And on top of that, I then get frustrated thinking that people even take the time to think or talk about me at all. I mean it's not like I'm that important anyhow. Why would they even bother?

Why would someone bother hacking into my email? Why would people bother monitoring this blog to make sure I don't post something I shouldn't? Why should I worry about posting up photos of myself on the internet? No one is going to be stalking me.

Seriously!
Before my Mom died she used to tell me all the time how amazing I was.
My friends will cheerfully tolerate me sending them emails at 2AM saying "I feel like a loser, tell me why you're even friends with me."
My brother gushes about me to all of his girlfriends.

So why do I constantly feel like I little pile of goo? Why the need for drugs and constant sleep? Why therapy? Why this post? Why am I rambling?

Actually, this is a good question- why am I rambling about this? I'm sure everyone has moments of feeling gooey - apparently this is my night for it. Thank you my darling internets for letting me have my moment of ...uhh...whatever you call this...

xoxo