Dear John Black,

What's shakin'? How are things? How's Salem been treating you these days? I'm good, can't really complain. I had a baby a few months ago - I'm sure your gift is in the mail.

Anyways Johnny baby, we need to have a little chat. It's about how disturbing your character has become on Days of our Lives. I mean, let's face it, things have gone a little downhill, especially in recent years.

Back when I was in high school, my girlfriends and I used to sprint home at lunch in order to catch you every day on tv. Of course, Bo wasn't too hard on the eyes either, but this is about you. Hell, in 1994 and 1995 you were named the Hottest Male Star by Soap Opera Digest, so you know you were good.

Back then, though you were quite a bit older than us, you were the "delicious mystery guy." The one we always loved, the one we cried about because we were so glad you and Marlena were together - you make such a good couple! Yeah, you were that kick-ass ISA agent/priest/pilot, with a bit of a renegade streak in you, just enough that we were always on your side, but enough of a bad boy that we always wanted more.

But things have changed John, and it's not pretty. I realize that plots must change, and now you're the quasi bad guy, dealing with the fact that you now know you're really a DiMera. It's rough finding out in your later years that you're not who you thought you were, but those are the breaks.

But what's with the hair as black as fresh tar? I mean, you're 55 years old, even a 10 year old doesn't have hair that black.

And why the extremely slow blinks? Or for that matter, why do you talk so slow now? I realize that sometimes slow blinks are good for conveying the seriousness of a situation, but half the time your eyelids aren't even in sync! The slow blinking paired with the slow speech kind of make you look like you're recovering from some sort of paralysis, and you're not having a good day.

And for some reason you've also grown your hair into a kind of upside down triangle. I'm not entirely sure how that came about, but it looks you got it all styled, then ran yourself head first into a wall. I mean, don't you have people for that? Doesn't NBC give you guys a crew for makeup/wardrobe/hairstyling that will keep you from looking like a tool?

I wish I could tell you that I could overlook all these drastic changes in you - sadly, I can not. I might be able to get past the hair, and I could even get over the fact that you're kind of a bad guy, because now you're filthy stinking rich. But I just can't deal with the fact that your eyes blink independently of each other, like some sort of amphibian.

Sorry John, but this girl is moving on...I'm starting to think Steve Johnson is hot, and the dude is sporting an eye patch.

I used to be your #1 fan,

Ali




*Hi to all you readers of The Princess Diaries! Obviously, this isn't the Princess herself, but she had asked me to come do a guest post for her since her life is in total and complete chaos at the moment. I wasn't entirely sure what to write about, and John has been on my mind lately - lol - so there you go.