Get Over It

A few weeks ago I was to have a Christmas dinner with a few of my former co-workers. Only one of the four of us is still at that place.

I chose to not go. Now to be honest, my excuse of sickness was not a lie. I was in fact sick, and most likely I should not have gone to the dinner. But that isn't why I canceled. I canceled because I didn't want to go.

I had gone to a concert a few weeks earlier with one of those ex co-workers and found that we didn't have much to say to each other. (Or rather, she talked about herself and didn't seem interested in my life) She had been at the job much longer, and had left more recently than I had. I was surprised at her lack of knowledge of the person who took over her position and what was going on there since her departure.

She told me that she didn't care and that she had moved on, and that I needed to "get over it."

A few weeks prior to that I had sent the one remaining co-worker an email about something that I thought my ex-boss would be interested in. I asked her to forward it along, but to please keep my name out of it.

She said no, and told me to "get over it."

Hmmm, solid advice, no?

I do in fact need to "get over it." It's been almost 8 months since I've left. I need to immerse myself in my new job and forget about the past.

So why did I cancel on the Christmas dinner? Because I realized that I am not in fact over it. And to be callously told to do so may be tough love in their minds, but quite honestly was hurtful in mine. While at dinner, I would have wanted to talk about it. I would have then resisted the urge to do so, because I know they wouldn't have wanted to talk about it, and I would have simply sat there resenting the fact that I had to keep my mouth shut.

You see it kills me the way I left my last job. There are some people there who think very badly of me and there is nothing I can do about it. I have on more than one occasion started writing an email to my former boss in the hopes that her and I can come to some sort of resolution. But I know that such a communication would not be welcomed and would most likely just cause more damage.

Now I know that they most likely don't think about me much at all anymore. They have probably moved on with their work and projects and rarely give me a passing thought. But when that thought does occur? It's negative. They think I was irresponsible. They resent the way that I left. They don't understand why I feel vicitimized, when I believe that they think that they are the victims of my behaviour. I know that they feel that they treated me as best as they could.

And the problem is? I understand how they feel. Even if they don't understand me. I frequently try to convince myself that I want to forget all about the past seven years of my life. But that's silly. I learned a lot from that job. Both good and bad. I learned how to be a better employee, and I learned about the kind of person that I don't want to become. And I had a lot of good moments with my former boss.

I guess what I'm looking for is closure- although I hate that word. But I can't stand the fact that I still dream about my last job all the time. And I want to be able to rise above the wish that they would somehow miss me, and acknowledge that maybe I did more than they realized, and that perhaps some things should have been done differently or better, and maybe I would have stayed.

I know that I am in a better place now. A place where my work is genuinely praised, and not in a backhanded way. A place where I am not afraid to send an email for fear that the wording will be criticized. A place where I can keep my calculator wherever I want because really? It's a calculator, so who cares? A place that pays me appropriately for the work that I do, and gives amazing benefits and holidays. A place where my only complaint is that I have to take lunch at a certain time.

I need to get over this. But at this time of year especially, when I am seeing and hearing promotion for the big events that I've worked on at this time for the past seven years, it's impossible. I feel inundated with reminders of how things were, and how things should have been.

Ugh. "Get over it." Not helpful advice.