So I was at D2's this weekend. He has a woman who is quite enamoured with him.
She phones relentlessly, stops by his place, goes crazy when she hears he's out with another woman, phones his co-workers and asks about him, and begs him to spend time with her.
I have questioned him about this relentlessly. Is he AT ALL attracted to her? Has he been 100% clear that he is not interested? He insists that no, he is not interested, and yes, he has been very clear.
OK then. So my question is this: What self-respecting woman would carry on chasing after a man who has blocked you from calling his home, has told you he's not interested, has encouraged you to get marriage counselling, and whose closest friends and family are not pleasant to you when you call?
See that's the kind of behaviour that makes us women look bad.
This situation has been going on for months now. And all I could come back to, each time he told me a new story about her antics was: where is the self-respect? Why would anyone want someone who doesn't want them?
I can appreciate the fact that sometimes persistence pays off. And being coy or shy about your feelings can lead to missed opportunities. This goes way beyond "He's Just Not That Into You." This is just stupidity and embarrassing.
I knew a person once who was going on a blind date. She consulted with us girls at work about potential excuses she could use if the date didn't go well. How would she get herself out of there, and what would she tell him the next day? The suggestions that the other girls came up with started getting more and more outlandish.
So I suggested that she just be honest. Let him know that it was lovely meeting him, however she wasn't interested in pursuing anything further, have a good night. (Or something like that).
They all looked at me like I had suddenly turned green and grew a tail, and proceeded to come up with more stupid excuses for her to use.
And it's that kind of game playing that creates some of these stupid stalker situations. People play games so much in the dating world that honesty is neither considered nor recognized. I asked D2 just how clear he was with her. Like 100% clear? He insists that he was, but I know that he is a) a coward when it comes to women and b) reluctant to hurt her feelings.
Fine. Perhaps not everyone has a gift for words. Perhaps when she bursts into tears at her rejection, it seems heartless to let her go and suggest she find someone to console her. However doing anything except being completely honest is not fair either.
Am I justifying her behaviour? Uh no. She's seven shades of crazy and I would dearly love to tell her off. And as I said? She makes the rest of us look bad. She's the reason that I'm so terrified of being perceived as "needy" and never phone men. (But that's a conversation for another time).
However, if I could send her a message, it would be this:
Honey, stand up, shake yourself off and move on. If he's not into you, why not find someone who is? Stop tainting all of woman-kind's reps by perpetuating the whole "women are crazy" rumour.
End rant.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Women are Crazy & Irrational, Men are Clueless and Inconsiderate.
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23 comments:
It reminds me of something R said this weekend when I asked him the appropriate way to reject someone.
He said, "Welcome to rejectionville. Population: You"
I actually kinda feel bad for this woman. IS she so unhappy with her life that negative attention is better than no attention at all? But yeah, she does need to see the light and realize that its time to put her time and energy into someone who will appreciate it. Sounds like your friend needs to be a bit more firm when dealing with her.
Under normal circumstances I am 100% clear "Look, this isn't going to work out. I wish you the best of luck in your search. Buh-Bye".
HOWEVER -- in the case of Mr. Fix It, there was something about him that set off my radar to the point that I was actually concerned about his reaction to my standard response. He was soooo angry about everything, that I worried that anger would turn on me. So I did what I needed to for a "non-confrontational" exit.
It was only in the interest of my own safety that I did that. And I didn't like it, but when you gut is screaming.. you should listen.
Now, in the case of this chick after D2.. that's just sad and it sounds like she has some mental unbalance. Again, THAT could be unsafe for D2 and heck.. YOU if she decides you are a "threat".
Be careful out there girlie!
xoxoxo
I completely agree with you, PotU. Kind, tactful honesty is never inappropriate. And this poor woman is a headcase. Yikes.
PsychG- that is both mean and absolutely hilarious!
Becky- Yes, it's terribly sad, and I do think my friend needs to be fair to her...
PPP- Of course! You have to make sure you're safe honey. There are always circumstances like that...glad you're OK!
Nance- Yes, a sad little headcase. :P
Completely agree with your post. I was about to question how honest your male friend had been with this woman, but you addressed it later on in your post.
It makes me think of those times when two women are fighting over a man and one throws her hands up and says, "Okay, you have him," and someone - usually a talk show host! - says, "Aren't you going to fight for your husband?" My attitude is, why fight for a man who doesn't want you?
If you waste your time on someone who doesn't want you, you won't find the one who does.
Or maybe no-one else does, because they're allergic to mentalists or something.
signed,
Papercuts, brutally tactless. ;)
Can I just add, when I said 'you' in my previous comment, I meant 'you' in the general sense, not you personally. Came across the wrong way, I think. Oops. Sorry.
*blush*
I'd be embarrassed to be that girl. I'm sorry but I feel like an ass the first time I tell someone I want them and they even politely say "no thanks".
Thank God that I am out of the dating game.... Princess I have even more respect for u now
xoxo
Whoa. Just whoa.
I don't even know what else to say. . . ? 7 shades of crazy - you aren't kidding!
Papercuts- no worries, the "you" was very clear :)
Hilly- Absolutely! Aside from the anger and frustration, I'm embarrassed for her.
Alice- You have more respect for me cause I don't date??? :P
Jen- And I've even left out most of the more colourful bits of the story!
Amen!
I have to agree with osme of the previous posts. I feel bad for that girl. It's a bad cycle, letting yourself get obsessive over someone, esp. if it's unrequited!
Let us know if your friend finally manages to get rid of her. It definitely sounds like he could stand to be a little stronger in his rejection.
Sometimes women have a hard time taking no for an answer; I sympathize. But directness would help, in all aspects I think.
I'm working on being more direct when I like a guy. It's scary.
I feel bad for her in a way, too.
But seriously... you're absolutely right. It's women like that who create and/or perpetuate stereotypes. Behaviors like those are exactly why we second-guess our conversations with men and over-analyzed everything. Which, how is that fair to us, exactly?
To be honest, I think all of us have, at one point or another, been to that point of "crazy" after a really painful break-up. It's pretty normal to go through a phase of a (much) milder version of what you've described.
But there's a time and a place where you've got to pull yourself together and move on.
Maybe you *should* say something to her -- you can show kindness and compassion, while still being firm and giving her a good shake.
I know you've said other people have tried talking to her... but you never know when it needs to be said a certain way or whatever, just one more time. And you're the "one more time."
Anyway... I'm done spamming your comments. Sorry!
xoxo
It is sad when someone thinks they don't deserve any better,than to run after someone who wants nothing to do with them.I've seen it happen a few times,and would personally rather die a reclusive cat-lady,than to do that to myself.
I've got enough issues as it is.And rejection doesn't really go with my haircolor anyway.
Sounds like what we call a "Bunny Boiler"! (Fatal Attraction).
Just let me relish my married status...ahhhhhhh.
Honesty's a bitter pill, on both sides. When I was younger, I broke it off with my first boyfriend thinking I'd made it 100% clear that we were through. He kept calling, and showing up, and basically being insane.
Eventually, I realized I hadn't been as clear as possible, bit the bullet and told him off.
I'm finding that honesty really is a lost art in this day in age.
Random- thank you!
Galoshes - well it's been going on for months, but I'll update if there's any kind of resolution.
Sequined- honesty really is the best policy- no?
Amber- I always go in the other direction, I don't call or anything- I am so paranoid about being accused of this kind of behaviour that I go to the other extreme.
Penny- I'm pretty sure cat-lady is going to be my fate...
Chief- Michael Douglas was married too! Doesn't keep you 100% safe!
Shana- sometimes I think people just avoid hearing the truth until a person is forced to be cruel, then they get mad. It's silly...
I know this chick. Well, not this particular chick, but I know the type. If he wants to get rid of her, he should ask her to marry him.
Princess - Yeah, you are right! I don't have too much trouble repelling women, though, so I think I am OK.
I have a friend just like this and i hate that strong women who know just what they want when they are single, turn into this crazy emotional psycho girls who make the rest of us look bad. I'd be so embarrassed to be that girl.
I hate the dating game and i hate that we all just can't be honest with one another and give straight forward answers, unlike your coworkers who wanted to come up with one ridiculous excuse after another rather than just saving energy by telling the truth.
While I see your point about honesty being the best policy, sometimes when you're faced with an awful date and you can't quite bring yourself to bluntly say "this isn't working for me, I need to go--PS you look like a rodent," it's easier to simply say that there's a rapist loose in your neighborhood and you want to get home before dark.
Yes, I said that, though in my defense it was technically true...
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