Ranty Ranty...

Of late I've been thinking a lot about feelings - both mine and others'.

I've been thinking that while they are the very essence of what makes us who we are, they're kind of a pain sometimes. I mean, not only do we have to monitor our own on a fairly constant basis, but we also have to be mindful of others'.

It seems inevitable that no matter what we do, there's going to be a time when we hurt someone that we care about. Because regardless of how careful we are, not everyone feels the same way about everything. The world just doesn't work that way.

The other day at work, I had a situation that I felt very strongly one way about, and everyone in the office felt the opposite. Of course the appropriate course of action there was to go with the majority, and since it wasn't something that was going to have long-last effects on anything, I pretty much let it go.

Because that's what we often do in life - just let things go. Because it's so much easier to control our own behaviour (not feelings, I don't think we can help those) than it is to try to control someone else.

But what about those times when you just can't let something go? You see often it seems that there is one person who gives way the majority of the time in any relationship (working, sibling, friendship etc) than others. On the surface it might be that the person who gives way just doesn't feel as strongly as the other person. But that's generally not the case at all. It's often the case that the person who gives way is either a) the bigger person or b) quite avoidant of conflict.

But when that person just can't let something go? Well, then what? You see we often see examples in books/TV/movies of how when that person finally stands their ground on something, there is cheering and fanfare all around them. The person that they are standing up to is so in awe of this change in behaviour that they suddenly understand everything that they've been doing wrong all along and bow down to that person's wishes.

Well that's a load of crap. I have never seen that happen in real life. From personal experience (cause let's remember this is MY blog people, and I'm only writing this from my point of view) it generally tends to backfire. The people that I've stood up to, have made me feel so selfish about it that it just didn't seem worth it.

I know I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. I am constantly monitoring people. How are they feeling? Is this a good time to approach them? I watch their every reaction and censor every word I say to make sure it doesn't go badly.

But even this has it's drawbacks. I've been accused of being condescending when I've spoken calmly and rationally about a situation that I'm upset about. This person was so accustomed to having people fly off the handle (what does that expression mean anyhow?) that he didn't know what to do with my behaviour.

People simply don't react well to being told (no matter in what way) that you've hurt them, and their instinctive reaction is to just get hurt and angry back.

All this sounds like I'm about to start advocating for a "why even bother" attitude doesn't it? And I admit, that's how I feel some days. But on the whole, no. I do think we should bother. I think that we as humans have an obligation to each other. The world can't exist in a strictly ID society. We have to be mindful of others.

So as exhausting as it is, we have to question ourselves, our feelings and think about how what we're about to say and do is going to affect the other person. We have to remind ourselves that they are not mind readers and they may not know what your intentions are behind your words.

And when people do explode? When they do something that is hurtful or out of character? Maybe instead of giving the knee-jerk angry reaction, simply as "why?" Why did they do that? Is there some tiny part of what I did that may be deserved that?

I think we owe it to each other to think more.

Ugh, two ranty posts in a row. I think I'll write about puppies and lollipops next time.