Thursday, May 31, 2007

The Anonymous Commenter...

I have a few friends from high school - 4 if I'm counting correctly. 2 of whom I don't see too often. One is my person, whom you hear about all the time.

The other one would be known to all of you as "The Anonymous Commenter."

Anonymous, my person and I met in the change room of Grade 10 gym class. We started talking about Dean Koontz books. Apparently we were all literate.

I never really thought that I was "cool" enough for Anonymous. She was one of the "smokers."
Now there were 2 smoking doors in our school. One for the preppy/popular kids and the "Banger" smoking doors. Anon's choice was the Banger smoking doors. She would ask our Bio teacher to go to the bathroom, and have a cigarette. It's hard to hide the smell of fresh smoke, so the teacher would frequently make comments about it either when she got back, or even before he gave her permission to go.

What's funny about Anon choosing the banger smoking doors is that she went through our entire high school career calling me a "Banger wannabe" as if it was a bad thing. Probably because I was unwilling to commit. I was a fan of the hair bands, but wasn't into the lifestyle (smoking, cutting class, hanging out at the mall food court etc.) (That would be the high school bangers' lifestyles - not the hair bands' lifestyles - I don't remember ever seeing Sebastian Bach at my mall).

Anon didn't seem to really like a lot of my friends either. I was always surprised that we managed to stay so close even to this day. Perhaps it was because I let her cheat off of me in Biology.
"No Anon, I guarantee you that eyeball juice is not the right answer...v-i-t-r-e-o-u-s f-l-u-i-d..."
Anon seemed to think that a lot of my friends were too uptight/goody-goody. I would like to state for the record that I don't think I can name a bigger goody-goody than myself. I admit that I play it up a bit- but at the core it's relatively genuine.

So our friendship IS a mystery, but still, it's there.

Anon and I went "window" shopping yesterday. Anon is much more devoted to money than I am. I made a purchase at our first stop. The sandals ARE adorable though.

While we were in London Drugs, Anon told me about her ants. Apparently she isn't a fan. I'm unclear on exactly which measures she took to get rid of them- but I can relate the trick that actually worked: Paint thinner.

Her logic was that since she hates the smell of paint thinner, she bets that the ants will too.
So down the anthill she poured. Her Mom was apalled.
Anon began to have second thoughts after she had already done the deed- what if she's now killed all the animals in the neighbourhood? What if she's suddenly going to see birds falling from the sky because she's poisoned them? I had nothing to say- I was laughing too hard.

While we were at dinner we discussed world events.

First we discussed politics: "Did you hear about the fight that Rosie had with Elizabeth on The View?" "Kinda - it had something to do with Al-Quaida or something..." "Did you hear that Donald Trump supports her?"

Then we moved on theatre and travel: "Did you see the interview with Angelina while she was in Cannes?" "No?! Where did you see that?" "Entertainment Tonight" "How do you say Cannes anyhow- do you pronounce the s?"

Then we discussed family: "Ugh, are they still showing Dani-Lynn and Howard Stern every night on ET?" "No- but do you think the father is going to pursue the lawsuit for the old guy's money?"

We are very diverse and informed individuals.

Here are some quotes from Anon in my high school yearbooks:

Grade 10:
"Hey there kiddo, have a really cool year cause you're a really cool chick." (Apparently I was cool enough!)

Excerpts from Grade 11, because she took up a whole page:
"Now in Grade 12 you will accomplish the following-
1. Get totally wasted and make love to the toilet
2. Get laid by a Scotti look alike (guitarist for Skid Row - see banger wannabe)
3. Flunk or drop out of a course"

Grade 12: (excepts again)
"Well amazing enough we did somehow remain friends"
"Rules: 1. Get laid by a hot guy

Seeing a trend there?

Things haven't changed much- she was very sorry that she missed the one time that I got completely drunk and passed out (embarassingly recently). And is still quite encouraging of my sex life.

Why wouldn't we stay friends with support like that?

I luv you Anon!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Caramilk and white roses

So Mist did a post the other day about an impressively bad date that she ended up on.
This has inspired me to post about the most ridiculous/awful/hilariously bad date that I've ever had...

I actually had a crush on this person (J) when I was 16. However he seemed much more interested in my already taken person at the time.

I was picking up my person to go to a party, and J was over visiting. He was apprently impressed with my new highlights (new since 10 years earlier) and called me up at work a few days later to ask me for lunch.

I declined for that day, but he persisted and I eventually gave him my home number and email. He called with a bizarre range of questions for me. "What is the condition of your heart?" "What is your favourite car?" "Beer or wine?" *"If a guy really screwed up, what would he have to do to make you forgive him?" My response to this was something along the lines of showing up at my door with flowers and caramel Haagen Daaz.

We arranged for a date the following Friday. I was very busy with work as I had a few days of meetings with some out-of-town clients. Suddenly J felt that I wasn't enthused enough about our date, so he sent me a message to cancel it. (It's worth noting here that he didn't actually have email, I just got text messages to my email account. If he had a lot to say I would get several texts in a row).

My response to the cancellation was that I'd never been dumped before the first date before- generally it happened after I didn't put out...
He changed his mind about cancelling since I was so charming.

The date:
-He told me all about his first 2 finacees. Those weddings never happened.
-He told me how he subscribe to Cosmo so he could understand women better (he should have kept reading).
-We decided to go for a drive.
-Because I was feeling romantic I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk in a graveyard.
-He instead took us for a drive in the sticks and got his car stuck.
- He tried using his Dad's name when calling CAA, but they weren't impressed so I had to use my last service call.
-He told the CAA driver that it was our anniversary and this is where we had gone on our first date (I'm sure the driver was wondering which part of getting stuck in the woods made me decide that J should be the father of my children).
- He also asked the driver if he knew a good divorce lawyer since I was sure to leave him after this (he's not wrong).
-When we got out I decided that I was done. He drove us through a car wash and asked if he would get another date. He kept asking and asking - so I eventually said "no."

The next day:
- He called to apologise for the night. (It's OK J, let's keep in touch.)

- I checked my email to find many text messages from J. Not complimentary. Talking about his last fiancee who ended up with a guy who broke her jaw and what a terrible person I was etc etc. (To this day I don't really understand how the broken jaw came into it).
- I found out that he was both drunk and on drugs (meds?).
- I moved on and was reading a book. Suddenly there was a knock on my patio door.
- I looked to see *white roses and Caramilks there. Along with MANY notes of apology for the texts.
- I admit I had a girly episode, freaked out and called my brother over to rescue me from the scary flowers.

- More apologetic phone calls. This time for the "Patio incident"
- Can he come over? No.
-Bring me coffee? No.
- A Muffin? No.
Several hours later:
- Bring me dinner? No.

And that was that. Scary and horrifying at the time.
Now I'm just irritated with myself for my irrational freak-out.
Aren't there any nice normal guys out there?

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