Saturday, November 14, 2009

On Catalogue Shopping...

The other night I was bored. In my world "bored" means I sign up on a random site to amuse myself with. I heard a rumour that people use those sites to actually meet people.

I don't get that.

I use them to see just how quirky I can make my profile, and to see what kind of cheesy come on lines the men in the "intimate" section will use on me. And then I'll blog about them.

There's the classic: "Wanna f*ck?"
The cliché: "you're soooo sexy."
The subtle: "How are you this evening?"
Rarely do I get clever or interesting.

I received a message within moments of signing up from "B." He was in the "Dating" section.
This was it:
How's it going? Any questions for me? Anything you think I'd like to know about you?

My response: (I won't go through all the messages - just establishing a bit...)
Can I make up a name for you starting with B? I think you should know that I think diamonds as gifts on the first date are just far too showy. I hate it when men do that. Shoes and cookies are perfectly acceptable though.

At this point, I really couldn't have cared less if he responded or not. I tend to attempt to be as shocking as possible in my messages to see if they a) have a sense of humour and b) are actually capable of running with it. I've done way worse in some messages. Diamonds and shoes? That's pretty tame.

Now I've had some of my friends argue that I'm doing myself a disservice, and that I'm not really giving them a chance when I do that to them. Oh well. I'm really only hurting myself, and I have to say, one of the main things I look for in a guy is wit.

I was actually impressed with his response:
What the f**k am I supposed to do with these diamonds now?

Hmm, not bad.

We exchanged a few more pleasantries and moved onto MSN.
He sent me a message to my email the next day asking me some random questions:
(My responses included)

Favourite book? The Fionavar Tapestry (3 books in one really)
Favourite ice-cream flavour? French Crisp - Laura Secord
Favourite sex act? Right now I'm going with making out. Perhaps it will change...
Favourite item of clothing? I have a beautiful velvet & lace scarf that I could wear every day...
Favourite thing about me thus far? The fact that you're giving me diamonds on our third date.

Now it does annoy me a bit when they ask to get a zillion photos (which he did) and focus on sex too much (which he also did). I mean where's the wooing? Sex comes soon enough if everything works out. And also? Why do men need such constant reassurance? For the most part, if you pay attention to people's responses, you know what's working for them.
(Cause I am of course the expert on dating and relationships. Whatev. Stop judging me.)

This was his response to mine (above): My favourite sex act is a good, old-fashioned philosophical debate.

And again, I attempted to be shocking and clever. And it all went downhill from there.

Princess: If you're not going to make out with me, then what the hell am I talking to you for?
Apparently that was much funnier in my head.
I said my favourite sex act was making out - you wanted a philosophical debate....?

He was still confused, so we went back to MSN and then he asked for my bra size.
Gentlemen: a word of advice 1. Bra size depends on the style of bra. So it's really impossible to answer that. 2. Why is it important? 3. Seriously? Seriously?

Anyhow, I clearly find myself clever and hilarious. But it may in fact all be in my head. At times it really does become apparent that I can be my own worst enemy.

It's a good thing that one the whole, I don't mind too much being little Miss Independent. Cause the whole online dating thing is never going to work for me. I find it to be too unnatural and just can't take it seriously.



Nat said...

He sounds interesting too bad about all the sleezy sex thing... I had the "honour" of vetting men for a friend of mine (who also lived in Winnipeg.) All rather difficult and really hard to take seriously.

She's got a great guy now. She met him through a friend.

Aiden Sabine said...

Good that you didn't answer the sex questions. Hell, better not to even entertain it. Without it, people may have to actually try and be charming for a change.

Fluffycat said...

Generally it is kind of amazing the kind of stuff that people feel free to say over the internet, but especially the dating type things. You should have told him your bra size was something totally outrageous and confusing, like 36DDDDDD. Though that might have encouraged him.

My real question is, did you find out what his penis size is? Ha ha.

Rock Chef said...

You are clever and hilarious in my mind too!

I would be inclined to make my favourite sex act something that is physically impossible for any normal guy to achieve...

Kimberley said...

You are funny - he was just too dense to get it :)

My experiences with online dating haven't been all that great but it certainly can keep a girl entertained for an evening.

Abigail Road said...

Good morning! Just wanted to let you know that your interview is posted to my site!


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