Friday, December 04, 2009

This is a Long Rambling Post That You Really Don't Want to Read...

I am cautious. And a good girl.

I would never want to do anything to disappoint my Father. Essentially that's it. My whole world revolves around not letting my Father down.

He's not judgmental, or critical. He's kind and accepting.
However, because I worship the ground my Father walks on, I try to behave in a way that I believe he would like me to.

Yes, I've made a few questionable choices that he would raise his eyebrows at. I've quit jobs without anything to fall back on. I've had sex with a few randoms. I've gotten tattoos.
But I've never really done anything intentionally damaging.

I can only think of a few times where my behaviour has gotten me into trouble and I had to be reprimanded. And they still haunt me. And the two real examples I'm thinking of? One was at age 18, and one at age 20.

I'm 34.

I've never really worried about people gossiping about me, because it's not like I do anything worth talking about. I never think that the girls whispering around me are talking about me - because why would they?

I show up to work. A agonize over something like skirts and boots, so it's not like you're going to see me dressed scandalously. I don't miss deadlines. I don't date - ever, so it's not like people are going to talk about me fraternizing with co-workers.

I do my best to show up to all family gatherings and bring appropriate gifts and food. I try to be considerate to those around me. Getting married? I'll: throw you a shower and a staggette and help address invitations and put together table favours - even if I'm not in the wedding party. Having/Had a baby? I'll: throw you a shower, bring you food in the hospital, make you meals to freeze and eat at your convenience...

And I? Am boring.

My best friends are occasionally reluctant to tell me their own sins because I'm so bloody saint-like. If a person never does anything, why would you want to confide in them?

Now let me qualify that last statement - I am NOT a saint. I've done my share of stupid crap. What I am is (as mentioned above), cautious and kinda dull.

No one is ever going to refer to me as their cool, exciting friend.

But this has resulted in me living a rather passionless existence. I don't really feel like I live my life, I feel like I trudge through it. I don't have anything that I work towards that truly gives me joy.

And that? Is a ridiculous way to be. It's easy to be safe when you're only existing. It's easy to be dull when you don't have a certain "thing" that defines you. When you have nothing that makes this drudgery worthwhile, you can carry on being considerate and boring.

You may remember me occasionally mentioning my erotica blog. That came from me deciding that I wanted to try my hand at the "intimate" section of a dating site. And I felt very shocking doing that. But really, I was scared that my friends were judging me, and that I would get know killed or something. (Drama Queen much?)

So I met one person a couple of times, then ended it altogether. Now, all I do on there is write. And I admit, I am surprised at what an enjoyable hobby erotic writing is. It really does challenge me.

And you know what? I'm meeting a couple of girls through that blog over the holidays. Yes, my lovelies - the Princess is being oh-so-risque and is staying at a strange girl's house in Hamilton for a couple of days after Christmas. OMFG!

But you wanna know what my concern is about the trip? Not that these girls might be murderers. Not that that they might corrupt my goody-two-shoes *ss. Not that this trip might result in The Sex. (Cause if I'm there, seriously ladies - you probably won't be getting any - I have that kind of celibate aura around me).

Nope. I'm worried about how to tell my Dad that I'm going on a trip one province over to meet strangers. Because that's the thing to be worried about in this scenario. Clearly.

I tried writing about this a while back, and even that seemed dull:

She writes erotica in her spare time. She writes about all the things that she would like to be doing, when in fact she hasn’t been touched by a man in over a year.

This persona she’s created in her erotica world is one more real to her than she herself is at times.

She feels like a ghost. One who rises each day at 6:30 AM, works for eight hours, then comes home to kill time until 10:00 when it’s time for bed. Each night, 8 hours of sleep simply to prep for 8 hours of work. 8 hours left in the day, yet they are meaningless.

Her life seems built around trivialities. Reading blogs. Eating meals. Tidying her house. Doing all the things that she has to in order to fulfill her role as considerate friend, obedient daughter, dutiful employee. She doesn’t even know what genuinely gives her pleasure anymore.

Her simple joys are meaningless. Movies. Books. Even creation of a Master’s application seems like something she should do. Something to further her career. Something to fill her time. The subject matter seems interesting, yet the slightest difficulty with the application process makes her wonder if she really can be bothered with it at all.

She feels old. Too old to be attempting a degree that will take up three years of her life. Yet the question haunts her: “what else are you doing with your time?”

She’s not married, and unlikely to do so anytime soon. She has no children and no propects. She has a home that she doesn’t mind, and a job which is pretty good. But her existence lacks passion. It is precisely that: an existence.

Does she contribute anything to this world besides fulfilling her required roles? Will there be a void in the world were she to disappear? Doubtful.

She has no dreams of travel, nor any unfulfilled flights of fancy. She likes writing, but doesn’t everyone with a blog fancy themselves the next Hemingway? There is nothing about her that’s unique or memorable – not even her dreams. Is mediocrity something to aspire to? If so, she has reached the pinnacle of success. What next?

And melodramatic much? Seriously.

I understand that it's ridiculous to wait around for something to happen. I know that I need to take control of my life, and make things better. If I'm unhappy - the only person who can change it is me. The world doesn't owe me anything.

But I feel stagnant. And ghost-like. And I can't seem to find a way to control it.


Karen said...

I totally relate to you with the dad thing. I find that I have to lie to my dad all the time so that he will think I am doing what he wants me to do. I don't want to disappoint him and it is so stupid! But I am glad someone else feels that way too.

canadian sadie said...

Hamilton, ONTARIO? Because I'll be 30 minutes from there over the holidays. We may be able to do the Halifax meet-up in Hamilton. :) Assuming you figure out how to tell your dad.

I had the same issues a while back, when I had 4 people I only knew through an online game to stay at my mother's house.

She thought it was odd (and scary) at first, until she met them. And then, 2 years later, her own best friend is an invisible person who lives in BC. They've never met in person, but refer to one another as their 'twin'. So you never know. He may be much cooler with the whole expedition than you think. :)

Email me the dates you're in Ontario, and I'll see if I can score some wheels. canadian_sadieatyahoodotcom

Fluffycat said...

I've felt that way about my life sometimes, like I'm not really living it but just sleeping and going to work and all of that. Sometimes the routine of everything just bogs you down. Sounds good though, traveling to meet people and have a good time.

Rock Chef said...

As a 34 year old single you should be having a much more exciting life than the one you describe here. Sure you don't want to disappoint your dad, but you should also be living your life!

Get out!

Mik said...

Luckily Dad has told his sons he is proud of them no matter what, makes doing dumb things a little easier I guess. He couldn't rail on my brother and I getting tattoos as he himself is covered in them.

Erotic fiction huh, I used to write short stories for mens top shelf magazines and I enjoyed it.

Mum and Dad were a bit perplexed when I announced I was marrying some American women I met online, but now we've been married 11 years, I think they feel better about it.

Kimberley said...

Yes you shouldn't worry too much about visiting - I swear I'm not a murderer ;)Yes, you're taking a huge risk and stepping outside your comfort zone, which is what I think this post is about. You need to find a way out of this rut. Use this as an opportunity to to change things. It is just in time for a new year - the timing's perfect.

I promise, celibate aura or not, we'll have fun, do silly things and it will be a great time.

Anonymous said...


Princess Pointful said...

It's hard to always be that reliable person. It makes doing something out of character that much harder-- and people that more surprised.
But, fuck it, surprise people. I hope you have a scandalous vacation ;)

BeautifulDisaster said...

I can totally relate to wanting to please your father.

As a girl I think its hard to make your father proud of you. Especially if you don't play hockey or like to watch football on Sundays.

But I also think men in general have a hard time telling people how they feel. like say "hey daughter, I am very proud of you."

So in my case when my dad does say something nice to me, i hold onto it, because I know he meant it. Considering how hard is was for him to say it..

Haha sorry, for going on and on, on your blog.
Just felt like I could relate.

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