Idle

I had a dream the other night. I was sitting down having a conversation with my ex boss about everything that had happened with us until that moment. She looked at me in such a familiar and disappointed way asking me how I could have misjudged her so. How could I have thought that she wouldn't understand how I was feeling?

It's so hard, over a year later to hold onto the pain. The frustration. The anger.
It's so shocking, over a year later that I'm still thinking and dreaming about it.
It's so frustrating, over a year later to still want to reach out to her and find out how she's doing.

I don't know how to hold grudges. I can decide to "break-up" with a friend, and a few months later wonder if I made the right decision. If it was really that bad. If there was really no other recourse.

Leaving that job was one of the biggest decisions I've ever made and I'm shocked how much it still haunts me to this day.

I look at where I am now:
In a fabulous job where my boss genuinely appreciates me and trusts my judgement.
No longer in therapy, taking anti-anxiety meds, or visiting my regular doctor every few weeks.
No longer getting sicker and sicker as the time passes from Sunday morning, to afternoon to evening.
No longer throwing up before work each day.
No longer having anxiety attacks in the shower.

I wish that there was some sort of happy medium to be sought and found. I wish that I could hold onto the very rational reasons for each time I have made the decision that I refused to be treated in some manner that was damaging to me. Either by a boyfriend, friend, job or family member.

But I don't know how to do this without becoming bitter and petulant. I don't know how to simply remove myself from the situation and calmly assess what needed to be done.

I either live in the moment and let it damage me, or I remove myself from it and have doubt and forget why it was SO necessary.

Is this an endearing quality? To not hold grudges? Or is it naive and immature?

I want so much to know how my ex boss is doing. About her move. About her health. About how the company is doing.

I want so much to know how my ex friend D1 is doing. Where he's living. If he's still with his girlfriend. What his plans are.

Is this natural? Once you cut someone or something out of your life, it should be done with totality. You can't make such an extreme decision and only do it half way. You have to understand the consequences of your actions.

I no longer have the right to know what's going on with any of these people. I cut them out and removed myself from their lives. To preserve themselves from that hurt/betrayal/anger they had to build walls around themselves. They would most likely reject any overtures I made. Or misinterpret them to be more than they are.

They deserve more respect than idle curiosity. No matter how I think they treated me, each human being on this planet deserves better than idle.

How I wish that I could hold onto the anger in some small measure. To cherish a tiny piece of it to be brought out whenever I needed a reminder of why I made that decision. To forget means to start the cycle over.