Thursday, August 06, 2009

Idle

I had a dream the other night. I was sitting down having a conversation with my ex boss about everything that had happened with us until that moment. She looked at me in such a familiar and disappointed way asking me how I could have misjudged her so. How could I have thought that she wouldn't understand how I was feeling?

It's so hard, over a year later to hold onto the pain. The frustration. The anger.
It's so shocking, over a year later that I'm still thinking and dreaming about it.
It's so frustrating, over a year later to still want to reach out to her and find out how she's doing.

I don't know how to hold grudges. I can decide to "break-up" with a friend, and a few months later wonder if I made the right decision. If it was really that bad. If there was really no other recourse.

Leaving that job was one of the biggest decisions I've ever made and I'm shocked how much it still haunts me to this day.

I look at where I am now:
In a fabulous job where my boss genuinely appreciates me and trusts my judgement.
No longer in therapy, taking anti-anxiety meds, or visiting my regular doctor every few weeks.
No longer getting sicker and sicker as the time passes from Sunday morning, to afternoon to evening.
No longer throwing up before work each day.
No longer having anxiety attacks in the shower.

I wish that there was some sort of happy medium to be sought and found. I wish that I could hold onto the very rational reasons for each time I have made the decision that I refused to be treated in some manner that was damaging to me. Either by a boyfriend, friend, job or family member.

But I don't know how to do this without becoming bitter and petulant. I don't know how to simply remove myself from the situation and calmly assess what needed to be done.

I either live in the moment and let it damage me, or I remove myself from it and have doubt and forget why it was SO necessary.

Is this an endearing quality? To not hold grudges? Or is it naive and immature?

I want so much to know how my ex boss is doing. About her move. About her health. About how the company is doing.

I want so much to know how my ex friend D1 is doing. Where he's living. If he's still with his girlfriend. What his plans are.

Is this natural? Once you cut someone or something out of your life, it should be done with totality. You can't make such an extreme decision and only do it half way. You have to understand the consequences of your actions.

I no longer have the right to know what's going on with any of these people. I cut them out and removed myself from their lives. To preserve themselves from that hurt/betrayal/anger they had to build walls around themselves. They would most likely reject any overtures I made. Or misinterpret them to be more than they are.

They deserve more respect than idle curiosity. No matter how I think they treated me, each human being on this planet deserves better than idle.

How I wish that I could hold onto the anger in some small measure. To cherish a tiny piece of it to be brought out whenever I needed a reminder of why I made that decision. To forget means to start the cycle over.

7 comments:

Kyla Roma said...

This is such a hard one. I try to let people drift more that sever ties from them now, but it's hard. I have a lot of friends who are these incredible networkers who keep in touch with anything, and part of me thinks that I might just not have that gene.

When I let people drift I have a lot less trouble with it than I used to, but I don't keep in touch. I'm just not that person, and while I'm glad I've been able to get around it bothering me, I'm not sure it's the best for me, or for my heart in the end.

Becky said...

I don't keep in touch with those that I am no longer friends with. But, I still wonder about them from time to time. I think its natural. After all, for awhile, they were a significant part of my life.

Its always easier to play the "what-if" game after you've made your move. But you can also tell if you've made the right decision by the way you react to things....such as no longer being sick in the morning. Hang in my friend, it will get easier. *hugs*

Sherri said...

I'm the same way, Princess. Learning how to let go has been a big part of my life the past few years, and I think I've made a lot of progress. I always thought my tendency to obsess about the past was just another manifesting of my OCD. Got rid of the physical symptoms, for the most part, but the mental requires different work. I've been helped along my way by a couple of people who cut me completely out of THEIR lives. That showed me that it was possible to completely let go, that I wouldn't die, that they were no longer any of my business.

LiLu said...

Eh, I think it's only natural to be curious about people who had such a big impact on your life. :-)

Floating Princess said...

I left a job that made me feel much like what you described. It was six months before that frantic feeling left me and I was able to be at work without feeling like I had to move at mach 10 all the time, and I still dream about that job. I sent my ex-boss birthday and Christmas cards that first year, and even went to see him once. It took me a long time to realize we weren't going to be friends anymore, especially since I went to a competitor and he considered me the "enemy." That's when I cut ties. It does get easier, it just takes time.

Shana-Marie said...

It's hard to sever ties to people who have left an impact on you. In some respects, even though they're not in your life, they left a mark on you, and that mark is something that you continue to carry.

I think, given time, you'll be able to let go of the pain, but still remember why you let them go.

You don't need to FEEL the pain to remember it.

Lynda said...

People tell me that I shouldn't be wondering about my ex, or what he is doing, and that I "obsess" over him.

I have history with him. I think it's natural to wonder if he has moved on, and what he is doing, and is he taking care of our cats?

I don't know how you can completely erase a person from your mind.

 
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