Voca!

Is this another thing that I'm the last one to know about??
(Anyone else get the sense that they were inspired by the Blue Man Group? Um, except how the Blue Men don't talk and all. I kinda mean the quirkiness and the "look")

I Need Advice From the Internet

So I have to make a decision this weekend, and I don't really know what to do about it.
This is of course where YOU come in.

The scenario:
I have been friends with D2 since Fall 2001. We went out on one actual date, and did have sex a couple of times over the years, but on the whole: just friends.

The thing is, I have a few fundamental problems with our relationship:
1. I get the sense that he only wants me as a friend on his terms. He wants me to be agreeable to anything he wants to do and not try to sway him.

E.g. In Minneapolis:
D2: We should go to the IHOP for breakfast tomorrow.
Princess: What about Denny's? They have "Moons over my Hammy" I miss that since Denny's left Winnipeg.
D2: We should go to the IHOP.
Princess: What if I don't want to go to IHOP?
D2: Then we have a problem.

2. Whenever he has a girlfriend he both a) vanishes so I only see/hear from him every few months and b) lies to the girlfriend when he does happen to spend time with me.

Let me say this: I am not dumb. I understand that being friends with someone of the opposite sex can occasionally be complicated. Maybe your significant other is the jealous or insecure type. You don't want to totally write them off for this, maybe you want to be sensitive?

However, in 8 years there have been 3 or 4 significant girlfriends and I've never met one of them. I don't even know if they realize that I exist. I guess I won't be invited to the wedding. Cause wouldn't you (the bride) wonder why this other girl is so important to invite if you've never even heard of, or met her in the past x years?

So I haven't seen D2 since March. You see he was in a play and he met a girl. So April & May involved rehearsals, and the rest of the time involved him having a girlfriend.

He is now calling and emailing a lot. He has decreed that we shall get together on Saturday - breakfast, afternoon, evening - whenever works for me.

A couple of months ago I thought about writing him off altogether. 8 years of being his placeholder girl who gets ditched the second a real girl comes along is enough.

But should people really be that expendable?
I mean he is fun and sweet to hang out with. It's not like he's my bff. Why can't I just be acquaintances with him?

This seems the obvious solution: downgrade the friendship to acquaintances. We get together a couple times per year, and that's that.

My dilemma? (This is where YOU come in)
Do I announce such a demotion to him? Discuss my hurt, resignation and ultimate decision?
Most of the time when friends drift, this is kind of a natural occurrence, but that isn't the case here. I suspect he's single again and wants to start hanging out.

I really hate melodrama.
I don't want to get into a big discussion with him about how I've been treated and how it made me feel yadda yadda. It's silly. And girlish.
I've gotten angry with him in the past - especially about the crap like the IHOP situation when we're on holiday together. That's easy: WE set the agenda - not YOU.

But this? I'm just not sure how to handle it with the least amount of girly emotion possible.

Thoughts?

You Are SO Lime Green Jello of Me

I remember when I was new to blogging and I proudly sheepishly proclaimed that the only thing that prevented me from posting everyday, or even multiple times per day was the fact that I didn't want to look like a loser with no life.

I still kinda feel like a loser with no life - but apparently now I'm not afraid to let y'all see it.
Let's not call this a slack *ss bullet post - let's call this.. catching everyone up on what's been going on with me in a very succinct way, shall we?

- I gained 2 pounds last Monday, but made up for it by losing 5 when I weighed in yesterday. (Net loss = 3 for those of you not so big with the math). That makes for a total of 28 pounds since July 2. Go me.

- Remember blind date guy? I never did tell any of you how it all went. So without revealing too many details - I met him, and I reallyreallyreally wanted to make it work. He was trying SO hard. And I really didn't want the fact that he had an awful mustache influence me, cause hello? Shallow? But then he wouldn't tell me his last name. After we'd already met once. Which of course led to my co-workers googling him, and finding out for me. So yeah, between his paranoia, goofiness, and mustache I realized that I just wasn't into it. Ugh.

- I am considering applying to a Master's program. This is terrifying. I mean as if any of my undergrad professors remember me at all. I contacted one of them for a reference letter and he said yes - but am at a total loss about what to do for the second reference letter. Even if I had gotten along with my honours thesis advisor (which I really didn't), he's passed away - so he's not an option. And writing? What writing do I do other than work emails and my blog? Should I send them a link to both blogs? My erotic writing is pretty hot and all - but not sure I really want to use that as an application piece. Ugh.

- I am considering therapy again. It annoys me. I have gone this route twice before. Isn't it enough already? But I'm just so angry all the time. And hurt. And occasionally burrowing. I probably need it - but it's just so frustrating. Why am I broken? Why do other people get through life just fine, yet I need to find a couch to sit and yip about all my crap on? I'm not ashamed of therapy - I'm a Psych grad and all - but I do find it annoying.

- Movies I have seen lately (and I don't feel like linking them all): Zomebieland, Whip It, Jennifer's Body, I Love You Beth Cooper, My Life in Ruins, (Second run theatres are awesome). Oddly, my favourite of them all? Jennifer's Body. Bizarre. But the writing is so hilarious...and it has Seth from the OC!



-My washing machine stopped spinning yesterday. I had dripping clothes all over the place. That spin cycle? REALLY important. Totally prevents you from having to wring out your clothes, and tossing them around the dryer for 10 hours straight. It took 3 1/2 hours for the clothes to dry, and 5 hours for my comforter. Fun.

- I blatantly stole that "Does Winnipeg Really Exist" clip on my sidebar from PsychGrad. Check it out- it's awesome!

- I hit "mark all as read" yesterday. I'm sorry. I love you. I'll try to do better. I was WEEKS behind. I couldn't help it.

xo

Burrow.

So I burrowed.
And I cried.
And I wondered if I was an inherently damaged person.

Why do I do better alone?
What is my problem?

My friends called/commented/texted/emailed.

Some offered their couches.
Some threatened me that I couldn't get rid of them no matter how reclusive I became.
Some told me that it was fine if I needed alone time.
Some asked to know what it was that they said that hurt me.

So I poked my head out and forced myself to live.
I called back.
I returned texts.
I responded to emails.

Am I OK now?
Not really.

But will burrowing help?
No.

I'm still hurt.
I'm still confused by why I react the way I do to things.
I would still prefer to hide on my couch ignoring all forms of communication.

I haven't attempted to twitter again.
This blog post kinda sucks.

But as much as I might like to avoid people - I think that's the sort of behaviour that turns you into the crazy lady that wanders the street in a bathrobe followed by stray cats. The lady with the house that the children avoid on Halloween because somehow the rumour got started that if you get too close, you might get snatched up inside, never to be heard from again.

I think I have the potential to become that lady. Not actually kidnapping children of course- cause once I had them, what would I do with them? But the bathrobe in the street lady? Yeah.

So I un-burrowed. Because my people? They give me humanity. They force me to laugh and look at myself in different ways - both bad AND good.

Stoic

I once told a boyfriend that my goal was to be more “stoic” in life – and it struck him as odd. Now admittedly, now that I have a firmer grasp of the nuances of the word – I perhaps would choose a different phrase- but the sentiment, even 10 years later is still the same.

Now perhaps I would say that instead of being “more” – I would choose to be “less” on a few qualities. Less emotional. Less sensitive. Less thin-skinned. Less fragile.

I quit my last job because I ended up on anxiety meds, throwing up every morning, and in therapy. Is it the job’s fault?

I wouldn’t say so entirely. It’s me. How I handled the situation. Another person may have thrived there, but for me it was impossible.

And now? I am in a glorious nurturing work-place. Is it better? For me, yes. For another person, perhaps not.

I seem to be in an ultra-sensitive phase at the moment. K pointed out to me that it may be PMS and I’ll be fine next week. I’ll give her that- it might be. I think as I’m getting older, the PMS monster might be rearing it’s ugly head. I’m going to have to start tracking my moods in relation to my cycle. That sounds like something I would rather stab myself in the eye than do fun.

But right now, I’m simply tired. Tired of the fact that being a friend, employee, child, sibling... is so hard sometimes. Tired of having to accommodate everyone’s moods and quirks, in order to be a kind, considerate person. Tired of having to shuffle in my head around what some people say to me in order to get what they actually mean, and not be insulted/hurt/damaged by what they literally said.

This isn’t new or unique to me. We all have to do it. We’re all different and special – which means that those around us have to learn that me saying “x” can mean something completely different than you saying “x”.

But at the moment, I’m exhausted and delicate and considering doing what I find myself doing far too often: burrowing myself into my condo, not answering the phone or seeing people for a while.

Is this a useful or constructive reaction? No.
But it lets me heal for a while. It allows the bruises to fade, and my mind to forget what was bothering me to begin with.

You might ask why I don’t talk to my people who have said/done things that bother me. Well, it’s for a variety of reasons really.

1. I don’t want people to think that they have to be super careful in what they say to me. I don’t want to be one of those “walking on eggshells” individuals. I’ve had people like that in my life, and it’s very frustrating.
   
   
2. It’s not like they meant to hurt me. In some ways it’s cumulative. Say the same thing to me a dozen times and the first time I’ll laugh, the second smile, the third be silent and after a while I’m getting hurt by it. Why should they know that suddenly it’s not OK to say that thing that I used to find funny?
   
   
3. Sometimes it’s the choices that they are making for their own lives that’s upsetting me. I don’t have the right to tell people how to live. I strongly believe that people have to make their own choices in life, and I am simply there to support them unless it becomes so damaging to either them or me that I can’t handle it anymore, and I have to simply remove myself from the situation for my own well-being.
   

I simply need to learn to be more even about things. This even came up in my performance review with my boss last week- she asked me what I thought my flaws were, and didn’t disagree with me when I said that I was too emotional.

I know that we all have our times when we're feeling that life is tough and unfair and "why do people suck?!" But right now it just seems to be overwhelming me, and is causing me to not want to talk to my nearest and dearest for fear of shriveling up into a tiny quivering ball over the slightest cool word from them.

I have a tendency to internalize everyone's behaviour to the point where I feel like a harsh or flippant word means that I'm a burden to them. An unimportant figure in their lives. A task that must be endured.

So I hide myself away and wait to see if anyone notices, and won't cry out for the help I might actually need. Because a single and sometimes lonely and depressed friend is not what people tend to put on their want lists. So I am considerate. And try to not complain - because I've been scolded for writing or mentioning or thinking too often about being alone. And no one wants to hear about my struggle to not hurt myself - because there's nothing they can do about it anyhow.

But being considerate? And happy? And censoring what I say for fear of not sounding needy? And making a joke of my weaknesses? Is tiring. And bruising. And so I go through phases like now where I'm exhausted and hurt and unable to cope with people.

So, for a while- I think I'm burrowing. And re-training myself in the stoic.