An important philosophical debate with my roommate

My roommate (D) and I do not share food. I think I've already expressed my surprise at anyone who would be willing to do that. I am VERY selfish when it comes to my Hagen Daaz.

And avocadoes. It's weird.

The day he moved in, and I was telling him the rules, I found myself telling him that if he absolutely HAD to steal some of my food, it would be OK, but never to touch the avocadoes. I never knew how protective I was of them before. I suppose I never had to be.

Anyhow, we've gone grocery shopping together a few times, and it's all been very amicable. Then the question arose. Since we share condiments, does he have to buy his own peanut butter and jam?

I was struck dumb. In the grocery store. It was comical. I didn't know how to answer his question.

He eventually decided to buy himself some jam, and to my knowledge just hasn't eaten peanut butter all summer (unheard of in the Princess's world).

However, I am still puzzled by this. Is peanut butter (and jam, and even chocolate syrup) a condiment or a food in and of itself?

One wouldn't eat a mayonaise sandwich is my argument, so I say that it's a food. However, you wouldn't want to necessarily eat it alone (although I have been known to eat spoonfuls of peanut butter as a snack, or the syrup when I'm having a really bad craving) so does that imply that it's a condiment?

I looked up the definition of a condiment: A substance, such as a relish, vinegar, or spice, used to flavor or complement food.

By that definition, I would agree that chocolate syrup is a condiment. (I'm still not sure that I'm willing to share it though).

However, what about the peanut butter? It IS the sandwich. Without it, you're just eating bread...

I would like to take a poll: Peanut Butter (& Jam)
Condiment or Food?

Warning: serious post ahead.

I know, I know- 2 posts in one day...this is an actual serious post about something that I've thought a lot about over the years, and would like to get off my chest.

When you take Psychology in University, you tend to diagnose yourself with everything, most of it completely untrue.

One thing that I did learn about myself was that I was a high self-monitorer (sp?)- i.e. I am constantly analyzing my self-presentation and adjust it to others' ideals and to fit the situation. This might be a good thing- but not necessarily when you're so preoccupied with adjusting your own behaviour that you're doing everything for the perception of others' and not for yourself. One can never be completely comfortable living this way.

However, the benefit to this behaviour is that you are generally acting the way people want you to. You rarely offend people, and are generally well thought of. It's a pretty fast journey to popularity, even though it's frequently at your own expense.

This sort of behaviour also rarely leads to vices and addictions. Those are socially unacceptable.

So, since I generally get along with people, and am constantly analyzing what I "should" be doing and how I "should" be acting, I am frequently taken aback when I see people so blatantly the opposite.

This leads me to the point of this post: 12-step programs and how they affect the non-members.

I'm sure most of us have known someone in our lives who have suffered from some sort of addiction. The person that I'm thinking of was schizophrenic and this led to drugs and alcohol and eventually jail.

I was friendly with this person while they were in the Remand Centre - but it eventually led me to developing "relationships" with other members at the Centre, and then all sorts of other problems followed. Up until that point I had been the perfect child, friend and student. I had to do a lot of damage control, had to tell my father what I had gotten involved in, and apologise to a lot of people as a result of this one "friendship."

After it was over I just wanted to forget about it. Even now, 14 years later it is a part of my history that I wish I could erase.

However, the original "friend" (we were never even that close to begin with) joined AA. And as you may or may not know- one of the "steps" is to call up EVERYone that you've ever wronged and apologise to them. I don't quite know if the purpose is to gain absolution, or if it is a way of punishing themselves for what they've done wrong. Maybe both.

So, I got my call. I tried to be as gracious as I could- but really all I wanted to do was get off the phone as quickly as possible. I'm certain that the members of the program must be warned by their mentors that not everyone will necessarily be forgiving or want to hear from them. In retrospect I think it might have been more kind to give my caller a more honest response. However I am not rude by nature, and I felt that I had to take responsibility for my own actions.

I had wanted to forget all about it, and getting that call just brought up all those feelings of guilt and shame again. And then my "caller" went to the same University that I did. I didn't want to see him. I couldn't handle being gracious and interested in his life on an on-going basis.

So he eventually stopped trying to talk to me (to my shame and relief) and told my dear Anon what a bitch I was. Anon and I ran into him at the movies not too long ago and he wouldn't even look at me. He just spoke with her and walked away.

So, my question is- what do these 12 steps accomplish? Maybe they give some sort of peace to the addict, but at what cost to those who have suffered with or because of them? One could argue that it's better to apologise than to not apologise, but is it?

Is it right to force someone to have that conversation with you when maybe all they want to do is forget? The natural thing to do is say "it's OK" when someone apologises to you, but often it really isn't.

Anon and I were talking about this person the other day, and just the mention of his name makes me feel badly. I don't have one good memory associated with him. And I do rather blame the AA. If he hadn't been forced to call me to make "amends" and I hadn't felt compelled to be kind, then he would probably have never felt that we should have ever been on a friendly basis again.

Has anyone else ever gotten that call? How did you feel? Did the apology give YOU any kind of resolution?

The Anonymous Commenter...

I have a few friends from high school - 4 if I'm counting correctly. 2 of whom I don't see too often. One is my person, whom you hear about all the time.

The other one would be known to all of you as "The Anonymous Commenter."

Anonymous, my person and I met in the change room of Grade 10 gym class. We started talking about Dean Koontz books. Apparently we were all literate.

I never really thought that I was "cool" enough for Anonymous. She was one of the "smokers."
Now there were 2 smoking doors in our school. One for the preppy/popular kids and the "Banger" smoking doors. Anon's choice was the Banger smoking doors. She would ask our Bio teacher to go to the bathroom, and have a cigarette. It's hard to hide the smell of fresh smoke, so the teacher would frequently make comments about it either when she got back, or even before he gave her permission to go.

What's funny about Anon choosing the banger smoking doors is that she went through our entire high school career calling me a "Banger wannabe" as if it was a bad thing. Probably because I was unwilling to commit. I was a fan of the hair bands, but wasn't into the lifestyle (smoking, cutting class, hanging out at the mall food court etc.) (That would be the high school bangers' lifestyles - not the hair bands' lifestyles - I don't remember ever seeing Sebastian Bach at my mall).

Anon didn't seem to really like a lot of my friends either. I was always surprised that we managed to stay so close even to this day. Perhaps it was because I let her cheat off of me in Biology.
"No Anon, I guarantee you that eyeball juice is not the right answer...v-i-t-r-e-o-u-s f-l-u-i-d..."
Anon seemed to think that a lot of my friends were too uptight/goody-goody. I would like to state for the record that I don't think I can name a bigger goody-goody than myself. I admit that I play it up a bit- but at the core it's relatively genuine.

So our friendship IS a mystery, but still, it's there.

Anon and I went "window" shopping yesterday. Anon is much more devoted to money than I am. I made a purchase at our first stop. The sandals ARE adorable though.

While we were in London Drugs, Anon told me about her ants. Apparently she isn't a fan. I'm unclear on exactly which measures she took to get rid of them- but I can relate the trick that actually worked: Paint thinner.

Her logic was that since she hates the smell of paint thinner, she bets that the ants will too.
So down the anthill she poured. Her Mom was apalled.
Anon began to have second thoughts after she had already done the deed- what if she's now killed all the animals in the neighbourhood? What if she's suddenly going to see birds falling from the sky because she's poisoned them? I had nothing to say- I was laughing too hard.

While we were at dinner we discussed world events.

First we discussed politics: "Did you hear about the fight that Rosie had with Elizabeth on The View?" "Kinda - it had something to do with Al-Quaida or something..." "Did you hear that Donald Trump supports her?"

Then we moved on theatre and travel: "Did you see the interview with Angelina while she was in Cannes?" "No?! Where did you see that?" "Entertainment Tonight" "How do you say Cannes anyhow- do you pronounce the s?"

Then we discussed family: "Ugh, are they still showing Dani-Lynn and Howard Stern every night on ET?" "No- but do you think the father is going to pursue the lawsuit for the old guy's money?"

We are very diverse and informed individuals.

Here are some quotes from Anon in my high school yearbooks:

Grade 10:
"Hey there kiddo, have a really cool year cause you're a really cool chick." (Apparently I was cool enough!)

Excerpts from Grade 11, because she took up a whole page:
"Now in Grade 12 you will accomplish the following-
1. Get totally wasted and make love to the toilet
2. Get laid by a Scotti look alike (guitarist for Skid Row - see banger wannabe)
3. Flunk or drop out of a course"

Grade 12: (excepts again)
"Well amazing enough we did somehow remain friends"
"Rules: 1. Get laid by a hot guy
2. GET DRUNK"

Seeing a trend there?

Things haven't changed much- she was very sorry that she missed the one time that I got completely drunk and passed out (embarassingly recently). And is still quite encouraging of my sex life.

Why wouldn't we stay friends with support like that?

I luv you Anon!

Caramilk and white roses

So Mist did a post the other day about an impressively bad date that she ended up on.
This has inspired me to post about the most ridiculous/awful/hilariously bad date that I've ever had...

I actually had a crush on this person (J) when I was 16. However he seemed much more interested in my already taken person at the time.

I was picking up my person to go to a party, and J was over visiting. He was apprently impressed with my new highlights (new since 10 years earlier) and called me up at work a few days later to ask me for lunch.

I declined for that day, but he persisted and I eventually gave him my home number and email. He called with a bizarre range of questions for me. "What is the condition of your heart?" "What is your favourite car?" "Beer or wine?" *"If a guy really screwed up, what would he have to do to make you forgive him?" My response to this was something along the lines of showing up at my door with flowers and caramel Haagen Daaz.

We arranged for a date the following Friday. I was very busy with work as I had a few days of meetings with some out-of-town clients. Suddenly J felt that I wasn't enthused enough about our date, so he sent me a message to cancel it. (It's worth noting here that he didn't actually have email, I just got text messages to my email account. If he had a lot to say I would get several texts in a row).

My response to the cancellation was that I'd never been dumped before the first date before- generally it happened after I didn't put out...
He changed his mind about cancelling since I was so charming.

The date:
-He told me all about his first 2 finacees. Those weddings never happened.
-He told me how he subscribe to Cosmo so he could understand women better (he should have kept reading).
-We decided to go for a drive.
-Because I was feeling romantic I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk in a graveyard.
-He instead took us for a drive in the sticks and got his car stuck.
- He tried using his Dad's name when calling CAA, but they weren't impressed so I had to use my last service call.
-He told the CAA driver that it was our anniversary and this is where we had gone on our first date (I'm sure the driver was wondering which part of getting stuck in the woods made me decide that J should be the father of my children).
- He also asked the driver if he knew a good divorce lawyer since I was sure to leave him after this (he's not wrong).
-When we got out I decided that I was done. He drove us through a car wash and asked if he would get another date. He kept asking and asking - so I eventually said "no."

The next day:
- He called to apologise for the night. (It's OK J, let's keep in touch.)

Sunday:
- I checked my email to find many text messages from J. Not complimentary. Talking about his last fiancee who ended up with a guy who broke her jaw and what a terrible person I was etc etc. (To this day I don't really understand how the broken jaw came into it).
- I found out that he was both drunk and on drugs (meds?).
- I moved on and was reading a book. Suddenly there was a knock on my patio door.
- I looked to see *white roses and Caramilks there. Along with MANY notes of apology for the texts.
- I admit I had a girly episode, freaked out and called my brother over to rescue me from the scary flowers.

Monday:
- More apologetic phone calls. This time for the "Patio incident"
- Can he come over? No.
-Bring me coffee? No.
- A Muffin? No.
Several hours later:
- Bring me dinner? No.

And that was that. Scary and horrifying at the time.
Now I'm just irritated with myself for my irrational freak-out.
Aren't there any nice normal guys out there?

Dust is part of the natural order of things...

I've lived alone for a long time now. I've essentially come to the conclusion that I'm now far too eccentric to handle any company aside from the occasional visitor.

Or perhaps I just resent the inevitable snide comments about my housekeeping abilities.
I cherish my dust bunnies, several of them have names. I throw little showers when new baby dust bunnies are born.

Anyhow, I have this friend who seems to love being a student. He's been in and out of school for as long as I've known him. His most recent degree resulted in him being at McGill for the first time this year. However it is now practically summer and he's found himself homeless.

Since I haven't had a victim/roommate in a while I offered to put him up for the summer rent-free. All he has to do is pay for his own food. I've never understood roommate-ships that share food. Why would I allow someone else to eat my caramel Haagen Daaz? I lived with a chocoholic once - every time I went to bake cookies I discovered that he had eaten all my chocolate chips in a midnight craving. (He also like to hide the phone bills on me because he frequently made 1-900 calls, but that's a story for another time).

I hope this one doesn't mind what a complete and utter girly girl I am. His room is where I store my plethora of scrapbooking supplies and magazines, as well as the pink plaque declaring me a "Princess" (in case anyone dared express doubt on the matter).

He will also have to share the room with Daphne, my Groovy girl. Daphne and I tried sharing a bedroom once - her snoring is absolutely intolerable.

I am looking forward to living with someone for the summer - it should result in lots of free dinners and manual labour.

He has promised to attempt to be relatively neat. I promised to do the same.

He's also begun to reconcile with the girl that he left here last summer. He's promised that all conjugal visits will be very quiet. I think he was concerned when I warned him that a jealous roommate is one that will suddenly start charging him rent and utilities. ( *I feel compelled to qualify this- I'd be jealous of the fact that he's getting sex and I'm not- not jealous of him and another girl)

My only concern is the "experiment" that he initiated last year. Apparently his goal was to make me so angry that it came around the other side and I ended up being laughing and happy again. Not a fun few months. Let's hope that he doesn't try that one again - it REALLY didn't work.

This is my last week of solitude for a while- I should train myself to start walking around the condo fully dressed again!