Monday, May 19, 2008

Those Little Slices of Death

Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care
The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath
Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,
Chief nourisher in life's feast.
~William Shakespeare, Macbeth

I find myself more and more frequently retreating to my beautiful haven of sleep. In sleep I go to find escape. Escape from thinking. Escape from planning. Escape from feeling.

I have all the leisure time in the world now. Time to exercise. Time to see friends and family. Time to cook and clean and do all of those little things that I could never seem to find a spare moment to do before.

And yet, I sleep.

Sleep is the ultimate time killer. I lay down only to open my eyes and find that three hours have disappeared. Slipped away never to be found again, not matter how much I might regret their passing. And yet, what have I really missed?

Am I sleeping to heal? Sleeping to find answers? Or simply sleeping as a means to not have to live the life that I find myself in?

Sleep is my reward for each task accomplished. One job applied for? Why don’t you take a nap? Dishwasher emptied? Why don’t you go lay down after all that hard work? A few phone calls returned? I think you deserve some rest now.

Sleep is not really an escape. I find myself dreaming about everything I’ve been doing. Everything I should be doing. Everything I’ve already done, I keep doing over and over again, night after night in some sort of cruel somnambulistic ritual.

I tell myself to view this time of freedom, this era of release with anticipation, delight even. And yet, I can’t help but feel the judgement that I’m most likely only truly receiving from myself.

I view sleep as a release from the torture that I’m putting myself through; a sanctuary from the almost militant plan that I’ve laid out for myself. I can’t allow myself to believe that I’ve truly been through a terrible time, and that I deserve, nay, needed to escape from where I was being held prisoner- both by my manager, and myself.

I don’t wake up feeling refreshed and revitalized. I wake up cursing myself for having wasted precious moments that I could have been doing…what? I don’t know. Something.

Meditating? Applying for more jobs? Scheduling therapy?

Sleep. How I loathe those little slices of death, and yet I long for them as well.

xo

14 comments:

AmyTree said...

Sweetheart, you do sound a bit depressed. Go ahead and sleep - it's okay - but don't cut yourself off, remember to eat properly, and try to get outside. Call your friends, ask for help if you need to and TALK ABOUT IT. Being unemployed is okay, don't forget that!
I would totally take you out for coffee and pie but I seem to be thousands of miles away... oops.
xx

Chief Rock Chef said...

I think Amytree is right. I remember these feelings from years gone by. It is OK to drift with it for a while, but at some point you need to get back into a normal daily routine.

Which brings me back to the dog walking! If you signed up for a morning and afternoon walk you would have some sort of structure to fit the day around. Otherwise you will end up like I was when I was unemployed - getting up at midday and going to bed at 4am!

Sending a big Rock Chef hug!

Z said...

While I agree with the previous comments, I also know that I am a person who just loooooooooooooooves sleep, no matter what. No matter my mood, no matter my situation, if I have a bit of time I could be doing one thing or I could be taking a nap, I'm going to be the one choosing the nap. So I've got no solutions for you, but adding some form of structure to your life is definitely a great idea!

Anonymous said...

Just remember Im a 5 min drive from you and I only work till 2pm. Im always up for window shopping, or people watching!
Nick

Nance said...

I'm envious of anyone who can nap. I have never been able to. There's just something about lying down in the middle of the day that my system cannot seem to handle. I never can fall asleep. EVER.

Scarlet Hip said...

Hang in there, we've all been through these down times, and sleep can be a great escape for a healing soul. Your friends have given you good advice - eat right, go outside, talk to friends, and walk a dog! I love that, having a dog has completely turned me around. I go out with him everyday and he's so happy to see me when I get home that no matter what my mood I'm smiling when I walk in the door.

Sending big sloppy dog kisses.

Suze's Sass said...

Hey you - I hope you're doing okay! Hang in there!!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Schedule therapy??? That's totally on my to-do list.

Princess of the Universe said...

AmyT- I think that's why I'm concerned - it seems to be a teeny step away from depression!

Chief- I took a walk sans doggies today. I will check in with the pet store in the next few days!

Z- I am a fan of sleep too. Perhaps I just have the option to do it as much as I'd like now?

Anon - will you walk puppies with me?

Nance- I wish I was like that. Kind of like I wish I was one of those people who can't sleep past 7am on weekends. Sleep has never been a problem for me!

Scarlet- that sounds wonderful! I don't think my condo complex allows dogs...

Suze- thanks honey, I'll be good... :)

Chelsea- I wonder if EI will pay for that for me??

Glamourpuss said...

I do the same thing myself given half a chance. Sleep is pernicious - be careful. And please accept that what happened to you at your job was very, very wrong - and on top of that, your boss completely failed you.

Puss

PinkPiddyPaws said...

Sleep is the great equalizer darlin'. You'll sleep until you can't sleep anymore and THEN you'll get up and be ready to go. Your body is probably just trying to reclaim what it's lost the last few years.

Take care of yourself and your feelings and just watch yourself for any warning signs of something more than this.

xxoxox

Honey said...

I think we are occcupying a similar place in the world right now. I too am drawn irresistibly to bed exhausted after the smallest task.
do things still make you happy, can you feel the sunlight, enjoy the flowers? If so, I'm hoping the sleeping is healing for you and you are giving your baody what it needs. Sleep well.

Chief Rock Chef said...

Do that - dogs are a great ice breaker - one minute it is "hey, what a cute dog" the next it is "do you want to go out for a drink some time?" It has happened to me, and you are much more cute than I am!

Jen said...

OMG! I was EXACTLY like chief rock chef when I was unemployed. Asleep by 4 AM and up mid-day. I'd highly advise against that though. It's not so great. In fact, I became more and more sad.

However, I love, love, love to sleep too. I'm a sleeper. Always have been and always will be. Some days I come home from school and sleep for 3 to 4 hours. I call it my "catching up" time. It's okay to do that now and again.

 
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