Stoic

I once told a boyfriend that my goal was to be more “stoic” in life – and it struck him as odd. Now admittedly, now that I have a firmer grasp of the nuances of the word – I perhaps would choose a different phrase- but the sentiment, even 10 years later is still the same.

Now perhaps I would say that instead of being “more” – I would choose to be “less” on a few qualities. Less emotional. Less sensitive. Less thin-skinned. Less fragile.

I quit my last job because I ended up on anxiety meds, throwing up every morning, and in therapy. Is it the job’s fault?

I wouldn’t say so entirely. It’s me. How I handled the situation. Another person may have thrived there, but for me it was impossible.

And now? I am in a glorious nurturing work-place. Is it better? For me, yes. For another person, perhaps not.

I seem to be in an ultra-sensitive phase at the moment. K pointed out to me that it may be PMS and I’ll be fine next week. I’ll give her that- it might be. I think as I’m getting older, the PMS monster might be rearing it’s ugly head. I’m going to have to start tracking my moods in relation to my cycle. That sounds like something I would rather stab myself in the eye than do fun.

But right now, I’m simply tired. Tired of the fact that being a friend, employee, child, sibling... is so hard sometimes. Tired of having to accommodate everyone’s moods and quirks, in order to be a kind, considerate person. Tired of having to shuffle in my head around what some people say to me in order to get what they actually mean, and not be insulted/hurt/damaged by what they literally said.

This isn’t new or unique to me. We all have to do it. We’re all different and special – which means that those around us have to learn that me saying “x” can mean something completely different than you saying “x”.

But at the moment, I’m exhausted and delicate and considering doing what I find myself doing far too often: burrowing myself into my condo, not answering the phone or seeing people for a while.

Is this a useful or constructive reaction? No.
But it lets me heal for a while. It allows the bruises to fade, and my mind to forget what was bothering me to begin with.

You might ask why I don’t talk to my people who have said/done things that bother me. Well, it’s for a variety of reasons really.

1. I don’t want people to think that they have to be super careful in what they say to me. I don’t want to be one of those “walking on eggshells” individuals. I’ve had people like that in my life, and it’s very frustrating.
   
   
2. It’s not like they meant to hurt me. In some ways it’s cumulative. Say the same thing to me a dozen times and the first time I’ll laugh, the second smile, the third be silent and after a while I’m getting hurt by it. Why should they know that suddenly it’s not OK to say that thing that I used to find funny?
   
   
3. Sometimes it’s the choices that they are making for their own lives that’s upsetting me. I don’t have the right to tell people how to live. I strongly believe that people have to make their own choices in life, and I am simply there to support them unless it becomes so damaging to either them or me that I can’t handle it anymore, and I have to simply remove myself from the situation for my own well-being.
   

I simply need to learn to be more even about things. This even came up in my performance review with my boss last week- she asked me what I thought my flaws were, and didn’t disagree with me when I said that I was too emotional.

I know that we all have our times when we're feeling that life is tough and unfair and "why do people suck?!" But right now it just seems to be overwhelming me, and is causing me to not want to talk to my nearest and dearest for fear of shriveling up into a tiny quivering ball over the slightest cool word from them.

I have a tendency to internalize everyone's behaviour to the point where I feel like a harsh or flippant word means that I'm a burden to them. An unimportant figure in their lives. A task that must be endured.

So I hide myself away and wait to see if anyone notices, and won't cry out for the help I might actually need. Because a single and sometimes lonely and depressed friend is not what people tend to put on their want lists. So I am considerate. And try to not complain - because I've been scolded for writing or mentioning or thinking too often about being alone. And no one wants to hear about my struggle to not hurt myself - because there's nothing they can do about it anyhow.

But being considerate? And happy? And censoring what I say for fear of not sounding needy? And making a joke of my weaknesses? Is tiring. And bruising. And so I go through phases like now where I'm exhausted and hurt and unable to cope with people.

So, for a while- I think I'm burrowing. And re-training myself in the stoic.

Winnipeg Tweet-Up

Oh hi! Thanks for stopping by.
So I have a blog. And I co-planned a tweet-up.
And I'm crazy busy at work, and this time last year I had the intelligence to request guest bloggers.
Ahem. This year I didn't.



The Tweet-up. Which was intimate and awesome, and went a little something like this:

"Do you know what Twitter is?"
The bartender looked at me quizzically, trying to figure out if this was some sort of come on line that he'd never heard before.
"Uh, yeah."
"Ok, well we planned a 'tweet-up' *insert air quotes* and we're right out there."
*pause*
"I'll be the one in the tiara."

I then walked away quickly; resisting the urge to run, and trying to convince myself that I had just had a completely normal conversation.

Meh. He's a bartender. No doubt he's heard much odder.

At 5:51PM My person told me to stop staring at my phone (translation: clock) as it was still early. No one was even supposed to arrive until 6:00. You know? The time I said it all started?

At least I had my person (+ husband and little one) and My Dear Anon there. Even if no one showed, at least I had company on the patio.

The patio. Where there lies an overwhelming abundance of wasps and pollen and...nature. I was feeling it for days afterwards. So unfair that I can't spend time out of doors without suffering for it later.

Anyhow, as the clock struck 6, suddenly there appeared 2 magical other attendees. Kyla- my darling co-hostess and WpgPeanut with her little girl.

At this point I feel compelled to once again thank the lovely Kyla Roma for helping me with the promotion of this event. I did a pretty slack ass job of it, and she went way above and beyond. Thanks lovey.

At this point I was pretty much content. We were chatting and happy, and new friendships were budding. Then suddenly I heard a tentative little voice ask "Twitter?"

Yes! That's us!

And suddenlt we had a party! Mammapeg arrived with her husband and daughter. And Mammapeg? Is awesome. And fun. And delightful. Trust me. You want to follow her.

We all found ourselves chatting about Nathan Filion and reality TV and my blind dating hilarity and my person's cake decorating class.

OMG. It was like a real gathering. Of people. Getting to know each other.

And then? The waitress came out and told us that our food and drinks were comped, and thanks for hosting the Tweet up at the Current Restaurant at the Inn at the Forks.

O.M.G. I just got free stuff because of an internet event I planned. I. Have. Arrived.

In all seriousness though, that was so wonderful and unexpected. I just can't thank them enough for doing that. I chose the place because of the location, and the fact that it would allow people to include their children.

Then the day of the event I noticed that the Inn at the Forks was following me on Twitter and promoting the Tweet Up.

So Winnipeggers? Go there. Eat the food- which is awesome. Enjoy the spa- which I go to regularly. Plan your wedding there - which my person did. Do it.

Anyhow, after that announcement, THEN Nenette arrived. The poor darling had a sick husband and son, so couldn't get there any sooner. Unfortunately we only stayed for another half hour or so.

And during all this, my phone kept lighting up with all the DM's from people telling me how sad they were that this or that came up which prevented them coming. We missed you all!

All in all? A lovely time. And next time? Even bigger and better right? Who's in?

xo

Winnipeg Tweet Up/Blog Meet!

Will wear tiara on request.

Are you coming?
Cause it'll be an absolutely fabulous event filled with the glitterati of Winnipeg blogging/twitter-verse.

Ok, well I'll be there anyhow. Maybe I'll wear some glitter.

The deets encore:
Friday, September 18 at 6:00pm (CDT)
The Current at The Inn at the Forks
75 Forks Market Road, Winnipeg, MB, Canada

Wanna let us know you're coming??
Why not click "yes!" here: http://tweetvite.com/event/wpgtweetup

Shy?
Believe me, so am I. As soon I started planning this I kinda started freaking out and feeling all presumptuous. I mean, who am I to plan this event? But fortunately the ultra-fab Kyla jumped on board with me, and promised to show up and help.

Love her.
You will too.

Sooo...why not stop by on Friday? Bring the little ones. Bring your non-twiteering, non-blogging peeps and have a drinkypoo.

Oh, and if you have any cute single men in your life? Bring them too. :P

See you Friday!!

xo

Hey Look! A Meme!

Candytuft Stacking Rings

© Wendy Brandes

I was tagged by the delightful (and beautiful- trust.) Nenette over at Life Candy, and since I've neglected you all of late- guess what- you get this slack *ss post!

Apparently all responses must be two words:

1. Where is your cell phone? PURSE POCKET
2. Your hair? NEEDS TRIMMING
3. Your mother? RED-HEADED
4. Your father? MY HERO
5. Your favorite food? BROTHER'S LASAGNA
6. Your dream last night? PROBABLY DULL
7. Your favorite drink? CRANBERRY JUICE
8. Your dream/goal? SEX SOON
9. What room are you in? WORK OFFICE
10. Your hobby? SCRAPBOOKING/GENEAOLOGY
11. Your fear? FATHER DYING
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? BETTER HOME
13. Where were you last night? VANCOUVER-HOME
14. Something that you aren’t? THIN/RICH
15. Muffins? TOO FATTENING
16. Wish list item? CANDYTUFT RINGS
17. Where did you grow up? WINNIPEG, MANITOBA
18. Last thing you did? ATE LUNCH
19. What are you wearing? WORK OUTFIT
20. Your TV? AT HOME
21. Your pets? ALL STUFFED
22. Friends? ALL AWESOME
23. Your life? MUCH BETTER
24. Your mood? SLEEPILY PRODUCTIVE
25. Missing someone? MY DADDY
26. Vehicle? MAZDA PROTEGE
27. Something you’re not wearing? MINK STOLE
28. Your favorite store? PIER ONE
29. Your favorite color? PINK/LAVENDER
30. When was the last time you laughed? EARLIER TODAY
31. Last time you cried? CAN'T REMEMBER
32. Your best friend? A FEW
33. One place that I go to over and over? MY MANICURIST
34. One person who emails me regularly? WORK PEOPLE
35. Favorite place to eat? ONLY ONE?

Yeah, I'm not gonna tag anyone- but please do it in the comments!

xo

Cosmic

Being bloggers, we may of course find it tragic when so many interesting things happen in our life, yet discretion demands that we share none of it.

I promised a summary of my meeting with internet guy.
I sent and received emails that were truly life-changing this week.

And yet...

All I can say about internet guy is that I am in a state of irritated confusion. Irritated because I know what I would like to do and fairness demands that I do otherwise. Confusion because some of his behaviour has puzzled me exceedingly - and not in a charming way. It will all lead to the same inevitable conclusion- of that I am certain, but circumstances demand that such a conclusion must be delayed.

Regarding the emails from the week? All I can say is that I am in fact finally "over it." And a hundred pounds of metaphoric weight have been lifted from me. I am finally free from all of it. My last job is now truly a thing of the past - a place where I both grew and was stunted, where I learned about myself and how to do a job, where I made friends and lost them. I am done. Let's hope the dreams are as well.

I am truly beginning a new era in my life. I can now see that for the past 7 years I have been in some sort of purgatory, and I'm finally allowing myself to see the light. Allowing myself the freedom to move on. I can look back with love, acceptance and resignation - but it no longer has to own me.

I made a point this weekend of seeing my very best friends - My Dear Anon, K and My person. A trifecta of perfection in the course of a couple of days. It is not always that a person can know that they have three true friends in life. People that really know you and accept you and love you for all your parts. With them, I have had the strength to get through these last few years of turmoil- and they will continue to give me wings in this next chapter.

It's odd - the way the universe comes together sometimes. I've had a bizarre week, and it all happened at once - like it was meant to be. Like it just may be that there is some other kind of cosmic force out there that plans these things. I've seen it happen so often in my own life that it is almost enough to make me believe in a higher power. God? Maybe? Fate? More likely. Some sort of universal construct of light and energy that has the ability to make things happen when they are meant to.

I'm aware this post said a lot of nothing to those who aren't immediately around me - but I feel like my life is now different. And I have been fundamentally changed.

I truly look forward to the future now and expect beautiful glittery things to happen. I can't wait.

Disliked

I've never really experienced what it's like to have someone strongly dislike me before.

Now of course I accept the fact that not everyone in the world likes me - that would be impossible. People who aspire to such a thing are being unrealistic.

Of course there is elementary school when little girls can be cruel. But that is just a part of growing up, and isn't something that can be taken so personally that it should haunt you. I expect that those little girls scarcely remember who I am, let alone harbouring a burning feeling of...anything.

What I mean is as an adult- being actively, horribly disliked and resented to the point where a person wishes damage and harm to you. I had never felt that before.

This weekend, I had it pointed out to me that such a person does in fact exist.

I was reminded that for all my neuroticisms and insecurities - not all people are alike.

A person once told me "It's not all about you" and I really took that to heart. It was one flippant comment that turned me into a completely different person from that moment onwards. Because really? Most things? Aren't about me.

I firmly believe that most people's actions, have very little to do with anyone else - they are firmly centred around what is best for them. Now this can often result in some very inconsiderate behaviour- but there are vast acres of difference between inconsiderate actions vs those with malicious intent.

It's why bloggers that do nothing but rant about the stupidity of others really get on my nerves. Because while people do in fact do stupid/annoying/inconsiderate things - so do they and I and all my friends. EVERYone does. Because most people do things for themselves.

But this past weekend, I had lunch with a friend who was talking to me about someone that she had lost respect for. Someone who had done something to me. Now, I had always wondered if the person in question had done the action in question (sorry for the vague), but I honestly thought that if it was her, I knew why she would have done it.

I thought that it was done out of a misunderstanding of my actions, and loyalty to someone else. And a part of me still thinks that.

But now I have doubt.

Doubt that the action may have actually been in fact malicious. That this person couldn't temper what she had heard about me with consideration for the fact that there are two sides to every story.

Doubt that this person may not just be kind of socially inept (although she really is) and may just dislike me. May be jealous of me. May actually be harbouring...some sort of bad feeling towards me.

There are a lot of people in this world that I don't care for. A co-worker who just left. The slouchy girl on the bus. My brother's ex girlfriends. Some of my former customers at my first job. But that's as far as it went- when they were right in front of me - I kind of didn't care for them.

But I always knew that I didn't really know them. That there is probably someone else in the world who loves them, and that makes them worthwhile. And while not everyone in the world is going to love everyone else - no one denies that most people on the planet are valuable. And special. And have their own reasons and points of view.

So to finally come to the realization that someone may dislike me so much as to wish me harm...

Well it takes a while for me to come to grips with that.

And one way to look at it is to be grateful that someone in this planet is willing to put that much energy into the thought of me. It's flattering in a twisted sort of way.

But not really.

Have you guys ever had someone actively dislike you? Did you deserve it? How did you cope?