Hey, gang. Karl here from SecondHand Tryptophan. Glad to help out here at The Princess Diaries. My schedule is all loopy now, since I recently got a job, so I'm pulling out one of my classics from the archives. Hope you enjoy it.
There's this professor at Florida State University who believes that Jesus of Nazareth did not, in fact, walk on water. Instead he walked upon a slab of ice. Doron Nof - and yes, that's his real name - says that a patch of ice floating in the Sea of Galilee would be all but impossible to distinguish from the lake water around it.
I love how Jesus is made out to be a biblical David Blaine.
Rather than say Jesus didn't exist, Mr. Nof says well, maybe he did exist and he surfed across a lake on a chunk of ice to impress the apostles. Right. He found a big piece of ice...on the Sea of Galilee. Then he got on it, shoved off and hoped he'd cruise in a straight line and arrive at the boat full of apostles. That sounds plausible. Ah well, what do you expect from a guy named Doron Nof? This is the same professor who said (14 years ago) that the parting of the Red Sea by
Moses could be explained by wind and sea conditions.
Still, it's interesting to think about:
Jesus (to himself): Hmmm...after all that healing and exorcising, how am I going to follow that up with the guys? This messiah thing is really a lot of pressure. Hey, what's that? It looks like a big ol' sheet of ice. Don't see many of those around here. Hey...wait a second. I wonder...
Paul (in a boat on the Sea of Galilee): Look how choppy the water's getting. Man, if we were on the shore we could be catching some real gnarly waves.
Matthew: Maybe if we finish our meeting early, Jesus'll let us take the rest of the day off.
Paul: You think?
John: Yeah, and he can do that water-into-wine thing again. Did you see that at the wedding? Man, that was friggin' wild.
Matthew: Wonder if he can do that, except make the water into beer.
All: Oooooooooohhhh, beer.
Peter: Hey! Look! Is that a person?
Mark: Where? Oh, that? Dude, that's the middle of the sea. How could it be a person?
Matthew: It does rather look like a person.
Thomas: I doubt it.
Peter: Well, you would.
Thomas: What's that supposed to mean, eh?
Peter: All I'm saying is that you wouldn't believe a knife was sharp until you cut off your hand with it. And even then you'd want to put your other fingers in the bloody hole just to be sure.
Thomas: Listen, I believe in sound evidence, OK? What's wrong with a little empirical science?
Peter: Seriously, that's a dude, dudes.
Matthew: Wow, you know something? I think you're right.
Mark: What, walking across the water? How could anyone do that?
Peter: It's Jesus.
Thomas (laughs): You've got to be kidding. You think Jesus is walking on the water?
Peter: Why not? He's the Son of God. He can do anything.
Thomas: I don't know about anything.
Matthew: He expelled that demon from that man the other day! How do you explain that?
Thomas: Head cold. The guy blew his nose and said he felt better.
Matthew: Ridiculous! He was possessed, Thomas!
Thomas: Did you ever actually see the demon? No, didn't think so.
Peter: It is. It's Jesus.
Mark: Yep, sure is.
Thomas: Huh, whaddya know?
Jesus: Hey, guys. What's up? Wow, this is some weather, huh? Calm down, water, calm down.
(The water calms.)
John: Great, so much for the surfing.
Matthew: Jesus, how are you doing that?
Jesus: What? Oh, standing on the water? No biggie. I am the Lord, after all.
Peter: Yes, but...how can your body's density not bring you below the surface of the water and cause a certain amount of displacement - ?
Thomas: Now who wants empirical science, eh?
Jesus: Listen, we don't have time for this. I've got dinner to serve and I heard there are at least 500 people with reservations.
Thomas: Wait. What is that? Is that...? Are you standing on...ice?
Jesus: What? (coughs nervously) What are you talking about? Of course not.
Thomas: I think it is. Look, it's flat.
Peter: Well, all of the water is flat right now, isn't it? He just calmed it.
Thomas: No, no...see right there? It's like there are...edges.
Jesus: Thomas, you haven't been smoking those strange poppies again, have you?
Matthew: Wait, I see the edges, too.
Mark: Oh yeah...right. I see what you're talking about.
Jesus: Where on Earth am I going to get ice? This is Galilee, for my sake!
Thomas: Well, you can just conjure it up, can't you? Or freeze a pail of water or something.
Judas: I don't think I've ever seen ice. What is it, anyway?
Jesus: Kiss off, Judas.
Mark: Wow, I have to say this is mighty suspicious, dude.
Jesus: Listen, are you all going to let me on the boat or what? I have to conserve my energy so I can turn water into beer.
All: Oooooohhhh, beer.