Charming.

So I occasionally wish I was one of those crazy delusional women who totally have no grasp on the difference between fantasy and reality. Cause then? I would totally have the most awesome life ever.

Now I don't mean delusional like just knowing that Jensen is only waiting until his final season of Supernatural is done next year before he declares his undying love and devotion to me and whisks me away to Monaco where we'll live in a mansion with a yacht and peacocks wandering through our award-winning English garden...

No. I'm not delusional like that.

I mean delusional in a quaint way. Delightful even. Like truly believing that it was my mad bartering skillz (yo) that got me a discount on my necklace at the Farmer's Market the other weekend. Not that it was already way over-priced and that he was thinking about lowering the price tag on it anyways.

Delusional like thinking that the reason that charming lawyer guy offered me a ride out to the summer BBQ that we were all invited to means I'm his date. You know, not that he's just being practical and trying to save the environment by promoting car pooling. Cause it totally could be like a date right?? Even though we're meeting in a neutral area so it's not like he's dropping me off at my place so I can invite him in and give him wine and flutter and giggle and....

Wait, what was I talking about?

Oh yeah. Peacocks. English Gardens. Or something.

Anyhow. I'm sure everyone knows some crazy delightful girl like that right? The one who reads weird things into the most innocuous events and takes them to a totally bizarre place that's in a completely different area code from reality? The one who makes you wrinkle your brow in confusion and tentatively say "uhhh I don't think him saying "have a nice day" was code for him being in love with you."

And then they roll their eyes at you like you're the most UNobservant person on the planet and clearly they know better.

Yeah. I think I want to be like that. Cause it sounds like a lot more fun.

I've changed my goal. Instead of wanting to be everyone's cute and fun friend, I want to be everyone's delightful and crazy friend. WAY better stories that way.

OK. I have to go shopping for my date with charming lawyer. Cause clearly he's going to propose at the end of it.

Negi-Toro Twitter

So how many people have tried to explain to someone the phenomenon that is called "Twitter?"

Well if you're me, you find that it is absolutely impossible to explain the appeal of it.
Inevitably the question will be: "so it's like constantly updating your facebook status?"
Well, yes, but at the same time, a resounding no.

And I? Cannot explain why that's incorrect. For all the beauty of facebook - and the connectedness, and the variety of ways to learn about your nearest and dearests (or your dentist, whatev) it just doesn't have the immediacy of twitter. You don't feel like you're in the moment with a person like you do on twitter.

A couple of weeks ago I tweeted about what I was doing that night. My person saw it, and was interested. A few tweets later and I had my weekend plans established. Nice. But big deal. I talk to her on the dreaded phone all the time. I simply did it online instead right? OK yes.

Last week, I tweeted about how I thought I might just go on a sushi diet since it's so healthy.
I got a comment back from Nenette asking me where I go. Then ywgdana piped in with his favourite Winnipeg spot. He suggested we all try it out. Kyla of course wanted to be invited. I immediately thought of how Ali always pitifully tweets asking for someone to pick her up California rolls for lunch so I invited her. Harmzie overheard this and asked Nenette if she could come too.

So last night? I went for dinner with my darling Ali, and 4 other people. Kyla I met once from her blog. Apparently Dana and I went to high school together but never spoke. Nenette and Harmzie? No history of knowledge of them whatsoever.

And it? Was awesome. They fully support my dream to plan a Winnipeg Blog/Tweet-Up (last night may even be considered a mini dry-run) and we even contemplated some group post ideas. (Mostly in the form of "who would you do?" in carious categories of humanity).

They of course were overjoyed to experience me bringing out yet another little slip of paper outlining exactly what I could order off the menu. And were tolerant of me apparently talking non-stop. (Why do I consider myself shy exactly? Cause apparently in reality you can't shut me up).

It turns out Harmzie and I once shared the same boss. Nenette and I read a lot of the same blogs. Ali and Kyla still have eyelashes that go on for days (sitting in between such glory was quite intimidating). And Dana and I decided that it was best that neither of us brought yearbooks to share. (Grade 10 wasn't a good year for me photo-wise).

All brought on by Twitter. And yes, maybe facebook could have done the same thing. But I don't think so. Facebook doesn't invite making friends with complete strangers the way twitter does. And yes, maybe some would consider meeting complete strangers to be a bit risqué, but I don't think so. I considered it an awesome adventure and can't wait to do it again.

So Winnipeg Blog/Tweet Up? It's on. I will work out the details and post them here. And if you're interested in coming, email me at: violetidell@shaw.ca

xo

Bullety...

You're getting bullets today - I feel too sleepy to write an actual post.

• Today so far: (as of 12:40 PM CST) I got barely any sleep last night, have a wicked headache, was having chest pains earlier, am kinda cold.
  
  
• Am kind of wondering: if I die (possibly from these chest pains) who picks up my debt? I am unmarried and have no kids.
  
  
• I noticed this past weekend that my clothes look a bit different, but I lost no weight from last week. Interesting.
  
  
• I saw "Public Enemies" last week. Was just meh about it. Too long. Even Johnny couldn't keep me riveted.
  
  
• I am taking an extended long weekend - we all have Monday off, and I'm also taking Friday off. Who wants to amuse me?
  
  
• I discovered Animal Crossing this weekend with my person- I gave it to her for her bday. How long does it take to earn a shovel? And seriously, KK Slider is now my favourite singer.
  
  
• Am meeting twitterers for sushi tomorrow. Very excited!
  
  
• Am considering planning a Winnipeg blog/tweet-up. Who's interested? Is it worth my time?
  
  
• Found a book club- first meeting: The Secret Life of Bees. So excited.
  
  
• A friend is having a Stella and Dot party tonight. I am such an idiot for jewellery so I ordered some.
  
  
• Of course that order was made before I discovered that my taxes were re-assessed. Apparently quitting one job, being on EI and getting a new job last year kinda effected my world in a sucky way.
  
  
• My year has really sucked financially- I had really hoped to go to England with My Dear Anon next year. Any bloggers over there wanna put me and her up for free? Maybe then I could afford it!
  

And I'm out...

Rock the Chakra II

Yesterday I had my chakras balanced.

Oh yeah, and a hot stone massage. Honestly people, I have no idea why anyone would ever get a massage that wasn't hot stone. As far as I'm concerned, heaven will contain a hot stone massage room on every corner. It is the very definition of bliss.

But back to the chakras...

I've has this done before about two years ago and from what I remember it was a rather interesting experience. I remember laying there and not hearing/feeling anything from the girl and wondering just what it was that I was wasting my money on. The suddenly I found myself overcome with memories and thoughts of all my friends and the people who genuinely loved me in my life. It's like a rush of positivity just washed over me. It was like a very intense and glorious "life flashing in front of my eyes" moment. But in a good way. Completely unexpected, but lovely.

Of course then the girl told me that as she was balancing said chakras she felt like she was being punched in the stomach. Wow. Thanks for taking it for the team there honey, cause I feel great!

So I decided to try it again, cause even if I had the exact same experience - why not feel the love, right? And any negative stuff is apparently taken on by the "balancer" so why not?

And as I lay there (essentially naked, with hot stones still surrounding my spine and across my eyelids) I again wondered just what I was wasting my money on. Nothing was happening, and I had to struggle to clear my mind. You know how hard it is to clear your mind when you really want to? Thoughts of what I was going to eat when I got home, and whether I should stop for sushi instead keep infiltrating my brain.

But eventually, I managed to relax a bit. She did the odd pushing on my hips which I didn't really get. But I thought it was part of the ritual - like the little bells that she rang at the beginning. Kinda pretty.

I had chosen 2 areas for her to focus on. Now I must confess, having done this before I did a bit of homework earlier in the afternoon. I read up on the chakra colours and thought that I would have her focus on the romance and sex areas. I mean I can use the help right?

But when I arrived she specifically asked me to choose the stones that I was "drawn to." Damn. I was drawn to the quartz crystal and the amethyst. Head and throat. I decided to be honest and have her work on that. I suppose the Powers that Be know what they're doing right?

What was weird was that the whole time she was on my right hand side was when I was trying to relax and clear my head. Then she moved to the left side and for some reason the passing thought flitted through my head that she was now working on the "dark side." Odd. I didn't know what that meant, and when I tried to pursue it, the thought floated away.

But suddenly I felt the mojo working. I felt myself not focusing on the positive this time, but instead felt myself letting go of the negative. A little voice kept going through my head telling me that "I am enough." I don't need to hold on to guilt, anger, resentment and anything else weighing me down. I don't need to worry about other people's burdens. I can only do and be for them as much as I am able and willing. And it's enough.

I felt my anger and worry about my brother slipping away. I felt the vestiges of my last job lossening it's grip. I felt the resentment I have towards D2 and his neglect washing away.

I am enough. For me. For them.

OK, what a weird little internal therapy session. But if that's what happens, I would say that the balancing is in fact worth the money.

When it was over she explained that I seem to hold a lot in my hips (hence the pushing) and that I should work on "grounding" myself. How's that now? Apparently working out, or even just stomping my feet will assist. Cool.

And then, the thing that freaked me out was that she felt a lot of "dark energy" on my left side. Wtf? That flitting thought seems to have meant something. I still get kind of creeped out at the potentially not coincidence of that.

Anyhow. I still have absolutely no idea what she did, and how one balances one's chakras. But I still think it's cool, and I enjoy the head trippiness of it all.

I would love to hear if any of you have ever done it and what it was like...

xo

I Promise This Isn't Going to Turn Into a Weight Loss Blog

So now that I’m on Weight Watchers I’m super fun to hang out with.

Some friends were in from out of town this weekend and I was meeting them, along with my person for dinner. So at lunch I scoured the internet for all the restaurants in the area…

It impresses me how many of them do post their nutritional info – although those who don’t get torn apart in the calorie counter forums…It also impresses me that I found a restaurant that had ABSOLUTELY nothing that I could eat. How is that even possible? I can find something to eat at McDonald’s but in a real live restaurant? Nothing?! *cough*Kelsy’s*cough*

So when we all arrived at my person’s place I proudly sheepishly announced what the restaurant options were and then showed them my little piece of paper that explained the choices that I had to eat at each place.

We then joked about how they were all going to order dessert and eat it in front of me. We found it all very amusing. Until they did JUST THAT. My person was kind enough to give me a bite of hers, which left me more than satisfied. Sorta.

I tried to explain to them that if I was going to order dessert it’s going to be because I’m traumatized, or there’s just no polite way to get out of it. (Yes! Situations like that DO exist! Like uh…it’s my birthday and you baked me a cake! You’d want me to eat it right? It’s like SO rude not to, right?!)

Oddly I’m not having too much trouble with the food thing, or even the dessert thing. I’m uber happy that I’m doing this now, in 2009 rather than 20 years ago. There are so many 100 calorie chocolate bars/cake etc out there that I don’t even feel deprived. I find the point conversion thing to be a pain in the ass, but even that’s not so bad. There are entire sections in the grocery store devoted to low cal/low fat foods, so I’m buying things I never have before, and they’re kind of awesome.

The only thing I’m really dreading is the first time I have to go to a dinner at someone’s house. Then I have no idea how something is made and I won’t quite know how to calculate it. But even that’s not insurmountable – I mean I’ll just deal with it.

I’m finding this whole process kind of fascinating. It kind of changes your attitude towards food. Makes you really think about what you’re putting in your body, and what it means. I don’t feel deprived – because it’s my choice to ignore my weekly bonus points. The plan gives you a lot of flexibility and that makes it so much easier to have self-control. Because I know that I have the option to indulge, I don’t really need to.

Gawd I’m zen. No doubt I’m truly an inspiration to you all.

Oh: and in case you're curious? We went to Boston Pizza and I got the chicken stromboli & salad. 13 points.

xo

20 Things You Should Hear...

OK so I totally stole this from Miss Britt. But since so did half the bloggiverse, I don't feel like such a slackass.

The point of it is to make this meme that's been going around a bit more about the luuurrrvvve.
So - I'm gonna say 20 absolutely lovely, charming and delightful things. Maybe about YOU. Britt added kind of a blogg-ish slant to it, which seemed like a fab idea. So yeah, this will be about YOU my lovelies.

Oh and in the comments? A la Hilly- feel free to mention anything you love about your darling little Princess (me). And like Hilly- I promise to respond back with what I love about you too! (even lurkers - I'll come up with something totally random, I promise ;P)
It's all about spreading the good feelings darlings...

1. You are truly inspirational with how you've turned a potentially devastating situation into a testament to your character and strength. Don't ever forget how awesome you are.

2. I totally had a crush on you. And thank goodness I'm over it, cause crushing on a virtual stranger is kind of crazy. But were you ever to ask? Or even just glance my way? Yeah, I'd totally be UN over it pretty darn quickly.

3. I wish you would pick up your blog again, cause it was something that we could totally have in common. But since you're around IRL, I totally forgive you, cause we can like, still go shopping and stuff.

4. You are just the sweetest, most endearing person I've met on the internet. I love how unassuming and adorable you are. I want to carry you around in my pocket with me all the time. You're the kind of person that I just KNOW I would be bff's with if we ever actually had a chance to meet just once.

5. Dude. When are you coming to Canada? You promised! And I'm DYING to meet you!

6. Honey I worry about you so much. You're a phenomenal and dynamic woman. Be strong, I know that things will get better soon.

7. The fact that someone like you exists in the world, makes it a much better place. I am so glad that I found your blog. You are truly the most extraordinary person I've ever encountered.

8. Your thoughtful emails have made my day (or made me cry in a good way) more than once. It's so nice to know that there is someone out there in the world who takes the time to let people know that they are not alone.

9. You are so fun and unaffected. Your attitude is awesome, even when you're unhappy, and I truly hope that some day I get the chance to experience it in person.

10. Please come off hiatus! Your writing is phenomenal and I miss you.

11. I am so glad that blogging gave me the opportunity to meet you - you were truly such a surprise and I look forward to more brilliant days ahead.

12. Honey, I love you to bits. I would have met you, blog or not - but I think it was the blogging that actually made us friends. You're never getting rid of me.

13. Darling, I'm so happy that life has become so luminous for you. You've become more scarce lately- but please know that my heart glows a bit brighter because of the way you've touched it.

14. You are truly one of the quirkiest, most hilarious people I've ever seen. I would pay money just to be able to bask in your radiance for an hour or so. Never ever change.

15. You're in Canada, and I have friends in your city. I WILL meet you. There is no escape from this.

16. You are glorious. I came thisclose to basking in it once. You're the kind of person that people aspire to be like- intelligent, kind and lovely. Thank you for being you.

17. You're one of the few people in the blogging world I have actually chatted with. Your being shines through in your blog, even though it's on a specific topic. I think we really should schedule that slumber party one day, because I already know it will be fantastic. What's one little province? We can meet somewhere in the middle right?

18. You are dramatic. And smart. And sad. Sometimes I just want to give you a hug and tell you that life is better than you think. You can make it better. You have so much potential - just grab it and own it!

19. You have totally touched me, and are definitely one of my incentives to save money to hop over the ocean. I know we would have hours of girly laughing and dessert and dancing. Someday...

20. You, your work, your spirit so totally shine through in your blog. I just want to grab you and hug you for being so positive and awesome. Oh yeah, and if you gave me some free product - that would be OK too.

xo

On Religion and Controversy

There are a variety of subjects that I avoid in my little corner of the bloggiverse simply because I'm not interested in being controversial. Some people may view this as a bit of a cowardly, mousey way to be - but for the most part, it seems to be the best idea, as honestly- I don't want to be one of those people who brings up something potentially inflammatory and then gets all hurt when people argue with my views.

Ideas I have strong feelings on, but avoid blogging about:

Michael Jackson
Abortion
Aboriginal Rights
The Military
Big Business/Little Business- consumerism
Misogyny - patriarchal institutions and organizations.

One topic though that I've also gone out of my way to avoid is something that I think I might actually tackle today: religion.

I was raised Anglican, and for my first five years of elementary I went to Catholic school.

Catholic school was beautiful. In grade 2 I was introduced to the concept of confession. "Religion" was a subject taught daily. We said the Lord's Prayer and Hail Mary each morning. We would go to mass regularly where I would see alter boys in flowing robes and hear bells chiming like music. We wore uniforms and behaved way more appropriately than any child who went to public school ever did.

I left after grade four because I found the girls there to be snobby and cliquish and I longed to have friends who lived within walking distance. But still, forever afterward I was the good student. The one who made the sign of the cross for the few remaining years we said the Lord's prayer in class and got funny looks for it. The one who dressed up for school. The one who was silently appalled at how shockingly inappropriately both the boys and the girls acted in class.

I still went to church with my father. He insisted that I go at least once a month with him. It seemed a fair trade off as I really didn't mind going too much. There was something kind of soothing and magical about church.

I enjoyed the predictability and the ceremony of it all. My church was more strict than many others in that we did communion every Sunday. I learned the Apostle's Creed and the Nicene Creed. I would stare at all the people around me during the infinitely long homilies and try my best not to fidget.

As I got older, long past the time when my father insisted I accompany him, I would still go occasionally. I found church to be a nice slap in the conscience. It reminded me of the kind of person that I wanted to be.

As time progressed, and I moved out of the nest I rarely went. Although occasionally I would find the need to go to a different service with friends. Friends getting baptized or married. Funerals. Or simply very devout friends that I would accompany when visiting them from out of town.

I always found it profoundly uncomfortable. Something about these ceremonies were just...wrong. In some cases I found them to be too laid-back and informal. In others it was indefinable. There was simply some quality missing that I associated with church. Which was silly, since I didn't even go anymore.

I very strongly believe that a person shouldn't simply carry on with the religion that they grew up with. There are infinite varities of denominations out there, and I think that we are obligated to take the time to actually think about what each one means and represents and decide which is best for your own set of values.

I am still on that journey. I confess, it's not something that I actively research- but I am open to other possibilities. But there's just something about the church that I grew up with that cannot be replaced. A sense of comfort and home.

Perhaps it's God?

Happy

Life is glorious today my darlings. For once I'm writing a happy post, not to counter-balance a previous cranky post- but just because.

I've officially been at my job for a year and I still love it. Even the few apprehensions I had about personal relations have dissolved. I feel appreciated, and I'm truly motivated to do the best job I possibly can. With every piece of work submitted I am pleased with my efforts, and hopeful that others recognize the care that was put into it, and think that I'm a rock star.

RE: WW - well I lost 4 pounds in 4 days. Not entirely the healthy way to do it - but one can't go from eating big bags of M&M's a couple times a week to eating 27 points per day without noticing some radical results in the beginning. And a bonus? I don't crave the chocolate so much at the moment. Right now it's avocados that are my illicit pleasure (that's 9.5 points yo!). I've also invented some creative ways to get my heart rate up - creation #1 - kick dancing around my condo. Think a mix between Tae Bo and uh stupid bar dancing. What's weird is that I've lost less than 10 pounds but my clothes already hang different on me. I don't really get that- I'm sure I've been within this 10 pound range off and on for a while now- but suddenly it's making a difference.

I had a glorious evening with the girls (+ 1 male) last night at my Partylite shindig. Anyone in Winnipeg reading this? The show doesn't close until Thursday! Kimmie (the fabulous consultant) would be grateful for your support!

Today is Friday. I have a whole gloriously relaxing weekend spread out before me in a few short hours.

Today is also payday. Woo.

I'm eating strawberries right now. They're only 1 point. Lovely.

My allergies? Have also found a friend: a cold. This has turned into a great source of amusement to me. Not only am I super squeaky right now, but I'm not sure how to treat myself. I assume I just add cold meds to my daily dose of allergy meds? It's just so awful and pitiful that I have to laugh about it. I mean the outdoors is just a part of the world - what can I do? While I think it's unlikely that I will ever spend a weekend camping- I refuse to turn down things (too often) like BBQ's and walks in the park. Although I think I may have an indoorsy kind of weekend (after my patio date with friends tonight) - maybe some movies, some filing at home, maybe go to the mall?

Farmer's market: On a not-so-staying-inside note: I live very close to an awesome farmer's market. If you're in the Winnipeg area, and have never gone? Go. Immediately. (Uh, or Saturday morning anyhow.) I think I'll do that tomorrow morning - you know, a morning outside right after my evening on the patio. (Apparently I lack conviction). A note about markets: I went to one last weekend with my person and Ali and made a glorious (although probably obvious) discovery: you can barter. I coveted a necklace that was $20.00 and I only had $17.00 and he let me have it anyways! Awesome. I'm wearing it today. Love it. Farmer's markets? Make me happy.

My lunch hour being over? Well, makes me less happy- but at least I'm now only a few hours away until leaving work. Feel free to leave me happy comments! The more happy spread around the better...

Naughty Joe

"It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission."

The first time I ever heard that expression I giggled. It just seemed so naughty.
The goody-goody part of me questioned the wisdom of such a sentiment, but since the consequences seemed fated to fall on the speaker, and not me, I didn't worry about it too much.

I heard that expression again and again over the years, and I've finally stopped giggling.

It seems a reflection of the way society is today. And it also reminds me of why I've quit therapy in the past.

You see we seem to be in a world now where everyone is expected to be so understanding and possessed of a sense of humour about anything and everything.

Now this post is not about to advocate for a pull-back on compassion and empathy - but it certainly will be addressing the fact that no one seems to have to hold themselves accountable for their actions anymore.

The quitting therapy thing? Was because I got sick and tired of the therapist excusing every single not-so-stellar action and thought that I had. You were bitchy to your friends? That's OK, it's because you lost your mother when you were 11. You hate your job and want to quit? That's OK, you should totally quit, even though you have a mortgage and live alone and most likely won't get Employment Insurance. Go ahead.

Extreme examples that never really happened (Well, OK I did quit the job, but I knew I was taking a risk) but they prove the point. I don't think people should necessarily always feel that they are the victim when they do something wrong. I don't think that the fact that I want to do something, means that I should discount the objections of others and expect forgiveness for doing so.

The problem is? People seem to think that everything should be understood. Let's look at some completely offensive blog posts I've read lately. There have been some, that in my mind, are genuinely shocking and inappropriate, not to mention stupid. Now when I see those, I read enough to get offended, and then move on to the next post. I'm not a fan of playing editor in the space the a virtual stranger has claimed in the bloggiverse. I also get offended by Ben Stiller. But some people like him. Live and let live.

But? When someone quite rightly does say something? Is it necessarily the correct reaction to get offended that someone had the audacity to criticize your words? To make fun of them for even politely pointing out that you did something not in the best of taste? To accuse them of being uptight and having no sense of humour or being some kind of racist/feminist/fascist/elitist?

Maybe, you should own the fact that you may have made an error in judgement, consider whether your actions might have affected someone else, and take responsibility for it. Because like it or not, your actions, my actions, their actions affect other people in this world. And why else are we on this planet except to make the world a better place for everyone? Do the best you can to be happy, and cause as little damage along the way as possible.

I've mentioned before that I wrote a blog post once that lost me 2 friends. And I've tried to convince myself that the punishment was disproportionate to the offense. And maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. Even so, I can't get over the fact that I did something to hurt some of "my people." And for that, I need to take ownership of the situation, acknowledge that what I did was wrong, and do my best to make amends.

Why is it that behaving badly, making inappropriate jokes and having a general disregard for the feelings of those around us is now something that we should simply accept about a person? If we accept that "oh Joe's just a jerk, you get used to it" then why should Joe ever change his behaviour? Why is it that the onus is on everyone else in the world to adapt to the sinner?

Am I advocating intolerance? No. Am I claiming that we shouldn't condone bad behaviour? Yes.

Kicking it with the Vampires

It's so easy on a blog to write about the bad memories. The things that make you sad/angry/frustrated etc.
And it's easy to just post a list of things that are good in your life.

I've done both in this little corner of the bloggiverse.

But I've never really taken the time to think about what really makes me happy, and what do I really want to do with my life?

I think part of my restlessness comes from the fact that I don't really have goals for myself. I don't have a list of things that I want to accomplish by the time I'm 30 40. Whenever I read my actual diary I see restlessness. An inexplicable unhappiness with my life. And while I know that I could talk about some things in my childhood that are therapy-inducing, I also know that I shouldn't be as unhappy as I am.

You see for all the volunteering, and doing things for friends, and decent jobs that I have - I'm not really working towards anything. If someone asked me what my dreams are, I think I would have a hard time outlining something concrete.

And so? This is what I am doing.
Outlining some things in my life that genuinely bring me joy and from that - perhaps turning it into some sort of Bucket List.

And no. I'm not going to make it up on the spot, and force you to see my drafts right now. I think it's a project worthy of some time and polishing. I will perhaps post it up later - with some long and short term goals, maybe with some pretty pictures.

But I am curious- what's on your list? What thing is on your list that is totally uniquely you?? (i.e "Travel more" does not qualify. "Travel to Transylvania to party with Dracula" totally does)

xo

On Being "Curvy"

So like so many who have come before me- I have signed up for Weight Watchers. Go me.

Cause I? Am "curvy."

Blah blah. Exercise. Blah blah. Cut out carbs and sugar.

Duh.

I will freely admit: I hate getting sweaty. I hate the gym because I feel judged. I also hate the way I look.

I have started avoiding cameras. I can't stand catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I stared at the WW.ca website for days before I could bring myself to actually go weigh myself and finish the registration. Because I avoid scales like the plague.

This is not a particularly original post. So many of you can relate to this. And it's not really the point.

The point? My other blog. The one with the erotic writings. Through there I was directed to a site called Literotica. I posted some of my work on there and found a slew (slough?) of people who wanted to be pen pals. Lots of emails and feedback. Cool.

There is one person in particular though that I've been corresponding with for a few weeks now. He is an excellent, and rather imaginative writer and it's been interesting talking with him. And? He has a thing for "bigger" girls.

It's in his writing. It's in his messages to me. I've sent him the odd photo, and he keeps requesting more. He goes on and on about how he loves my curves - and then of course describes in great detail all the things he would like to do whilst exploring said curves.

And I? Am getting increasingly turned off. I don't understand why the focus needs to be so much on the size. It is actually resulting in making me more uncomfortable than if someone was simply not into me because I'm not tiny enough.

You see I'm not a fraction confident enough to own my curves and emphasize them. I don't want them to be worshiped. I don't want them to be the topic of conversation. I don't want them to be the object of...anything. I just want them to go away.

I suspect that men who have a "thing" for bigger girls feel that they are more enlightened than other men. Less shallow. But is that the case?

I would think that enlightenment would involve simply loving the person for who they are. Not because of the weight. Not despite the weight. The weight is just not even a factor.

I suppose the same argument could be made for anything- people of different race, sexual orientation, religion etc.

I've tried so hard to love myself for who I am. I know that I'm rather pretty. And I can look at other people who aren't tiny models and think that they are genuinely gorgeous. But I just can't look at myself the same way. So to have someone go on about it? Just makes me want to hide in a little corner and demand that they stop looking at me.

I find it hard to wrap my head around this. Is the problem simply with me and my self-esteem? Or am I on to something? Is this worship of the bigger girl simply a different kind of intolerance?

Either way. I just want to lose the weight and not have to worry about it. Apparently I have minimum 65 pounds to go. Ugh. One day at a time right?

xo