Thursday, July 02, 2009

On Being "Curvy"

So like so many who have come before me- I have signed up for Weight Watchers. Go me.

Cause I? Am "curvy."

Blah blah. Exercise. Blah blah. Cut out carbs and sugar.


I will freely admit: I hate getting sweaty. I hate the gym because I feel judged. I also hate the way I look.

I have started avoiding cameras. I can't stand catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I stared at the website for days before I could bring myself to actually go weigh myself and finish the registration. Because I avoid scales like the plague.

This is not a particularly original post. So many of you can relate to this. And it's not really the point.

The point? My other blog. The one with the erotic writings. Through there I was directed to a site called Literotica. I posted some of my work on there and found a slew (slough?) of people who wanted to be pen pals. Lots of emails and feedback. Cool.

There is one person in particular though that I've been corresponding with for a few weeks now. He is an excellent, and rather imaginative writer and it's been interesting talking with him. And? He has a thing for "bigger" girls.

It's in his writing. It's in his messages to me. I've sent him the odd photo, and he keeps requesting more. He goes on and on about how he loves my curves - and then of course describes in great detail all the things he would like to do whilst exploring said curves.

And I? Am getting increasingly turned off. I don't understand why the focus needs to be so much on the size. It is actually resulting in making me more uncomfortable than if someone was simply not into me because I'm not tiny enough.

You see I'm not a fraction confident enough to own my curves and emphasize them. I don't want them to be worshiped. I don't want them to be the topic of conversation. I don't want them to be the object of...anything. I just want them to go away.

I suspect that men who have a "thing" for bigger girls feel that they are more enlightened than other men. Less shallow. But is that the case?

I would think that enlightenment would involve simply loving the person for who they are. Not because of the weight. Not despite the weight. The weight is just not even a factor.

I suppose the same argument could be made for anything- people of different race, sexual orientation, religion etc.

I've tried so hard to love myself for who I am. I know that I'm rather pretty. And I can look at other people who aren't tiny models and think that they are genuinely gorgeous. But I just can't look at myself the same way. So to have someone go on about it? Just makes me want to hide in a little corner and demand that they stop looking at me.

I find it hard to wrap my head around this. Is the problem simply with me and my self-esteem? Or am I on to something? Is this worship of the bigger girl simply a different kind of intolerance?

Either way. I just want to lose the weight and not have to worry about it. Apparently I have minimum 65 pounds to go. Ugh. One day at a time right?



Pipper said...

Yay for WW :)

MissE said...

Wishing you every success, Princess.

My sister did the WW a couple of years back and it really worked for her.

I'm not so good with the structure and number counting stuff. Makes me twitchy.

What I do know is that since I started working at changing how I see myself by taking it slow and steady (three years work so far) I've gotten rid of at least 55.2 lbs, going from somewhere around 286.6 halfway through 2006 to currently 231.4.

According to the Exercise Recording thing that I use on Facebook, I need to lose another 59.1 lbs if I want to consider myself a healthy weight and BMI... It would make me 182.3 lbs and it is actually my goal for the end of 2010.

All I can say, Princess, is you need to find what works for you. You need to want to do this for you and no one else. And we both need to stop hating ourselves so much. We need to start accepting who we are and focus on being healthy in mind and body.

Hope that doesn't sound too preachy... or too mememememe. Have faith in yourself, okay? You can do this.

AmyTree said...

I have done Slimming World 4 times now, leaving for various reasons that had nothing to do with the success of the program itself - I lost weight every time.

Do what works for YOU and what you need to do to feel better about yourself. Just because some guys like curvy girls doesn't mean that you need to be happy with that in yourself. I suspect you'll still be curvy, just not "curvy". Stupid euphemisms... :-) Best of luck. xxx

Anonymous said...

1) Yay you for joining the WW like so many of us!

2) We were JUST discussing "chubby chasers" the other day. I'm like you...I don't want some man to be into me because he only likes curvy girls and/or that is his fetish thing. I feel that a man that limits himself to that *does* have issues of his own with insecurities or control. I find men that will only date a skinny woman and dump her when she gains five pounds to have the same exact issues.

I want someone to fall in love/lust/like with me because of ME, not because I am chunky and funky.

Anonymous said...

Taking that first step is the biggest one! Yay for WW!

Kyla Roma said...

Congratulations on joining WW! That's fantastic! Making a change to be healthier is killer, whatever the method that works for you is.

That's really odd... I think that guys who focus exclusively on any one physical aspect of all women and then expect to be lauded as progressive must be some kind of deluded. Our bodies are just one part of us, if that's all someone is attracted to about me - or a friend - I would be worried for them. It's a hollow basis to brag about connecting with someone on, and kind of presumptuous about your level of interest in him.

I'm going to put on my grandma hat - it's ungentlemanly and unbecoming! =)

Princess of the Universe said...

Pipper_ I know! thanks!!

MissE- Oh God- I have to care about decimals! I actually don't mind the structure- it's nice to have it all laid out like that. Thanks so much for the support!

AmyT- I hear ya. And I would hate to lose ALL curviness- ya know?

Hilly- Thank you - I'm glad you get it. "Chubby chasers" good term. :)

Ashley - thanks honey!!

Kyla- that's awesome "some kind of deluded." I'm totally stealing that phrase. Thanks lovey! xo

Nat said...

Chubby chasers... love it. I know what you're saying.

It's just as shallow to love a woman because (only) she is "curvy" as it is to love a woman because she has a fine ass, or big breasts or is tiny. It's just as vapid. I think you have right to be turned off...

I back on the wagon looking to drop a good 30, which is going to take some doing and some discipline... neither of which are really my strong suit. Whatever the reason, do it for you.

Becky said...

Yay Princess!! I love knowing that I know have one more person to count on for support. And I will support you 150% during this. Welcome to WW.

And yay for being willing to start being healthy again (I'm a nurse, I have to play the health card) ;-)

Floating Princess said...

I've been quietly doing the WW thing for the last 4 weeks now, and it's going pretty well. It's a solid program.

The chubby chasers bug me too. What if you fall in love with one and then lose weight? Does he dump you? Wouldn't that be ironic!

SpanishGoth said...

Obviously meeting the wrong type of men my dear.

Love is - simple as that really.

If you want to change yourself - that should be your choice. AND if you do, I support you.

If you don't - I support you equally.

*Gothic Hugs*

Kimberley said...

Well congrats on joining WW - good luck!

As for your admirer - while it can be a fetish, I think most of the men just want you to feel admired and sexy (at least that's how I try to take it!). Not without body image issues myself, I had a hard time digesting that type of attention but the bottom line is - he thinks you're sexy (and you are!) not simply because of your size but the whole package. He did obviously like your it's not all about your appearance.

Just my little two cents, for what it's worth.


Jess said...

I've been with guys who have a thing for bigger girls. In some ways it was nice to feel a little more comfortable in my own body and not worry that I wasn't attractive enough for them. But mostly it was a turnoff because of the constant, obsessive focus on the body. I much prefer how things are with my husband. He has a thing for ME, no matter my size.

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