Friday, July 11, 2008

On Being a Dirty Whore

You know how sometimes something irritates you, and you write a post about it- but really you're pretty much over it? Or you might even be embellishing it just for the sake of entertaining your readers?

Yeah. This isn't one of those posts. I'm genuinely hurt and irritated right now.

So remember this post? Well I briefly mentioned in there that we're in a "not talking" phase right now. I'm going to talk about one of the reasons why.

You see long after we broke up and got over the initial shock/hurt etc etc we became friendly again. We would email every Friday to talk about what happened on Grey's the night before. And I told him about my blog.

He decided to start one of his own blogs. And he didn't tell his wife. And one of his posts was about my....attributes. I wasn't really flattered. I was pretty much shocked and confused and dismayed. And guess what happened? Yup. His wife found it.

Anyhow, for the sake of his marriage, it was best that we not be friends anymore. We couldn't be friends on Facebook even. There were no more email chats. I wasn't allowed to ever comment on his blog.

* * *

Now, you've all heard about D2. He's a very good male friend. Him and I would go on the occasional trip together. We would hang out and talk about everything under the sun. We would flirt, and occasionally we had a few indiscretions. On the whole though it was pretty innocent. Neither of us wanted to date.

Occasionally D2 would have a girlfriend. I never met any of them. And when he would spend time with me, he would tell them that he was hanging out with co-workers. I couldn't figure it out. We weren't doing anything wrong. When he was with a girl I would never flirt or cuddle or anything. Yet he felt compelled to lie.

It got to the point where I would demand that he tell any girl about me the second I caught a whiff of him dating someone. I don't know if he did or not. He would never talk to me about his girlfriends at all.

* * *

Then today, I found out that someone that I considered a friend deleted me from his Facebook friends as well. When I asked why, he told me that it was because his flirting with me was inappropriate. His wife should be the only woman in his life and that he had taken it too far. It turns out that he had to delete more than one girl who thought they were his friend for the same reason.

Now I met this person through some common friends. We used to work in buildings across a parking lot from each other. We would occasionally have lunch and send the odd email or text. That was pretty much the extent of our relationship.

And yes - he would flirt. Sometimes I was a bit disturbed by the flirting. He did take it pretty far. But for the most part I would laugh it off because I knew without doubt that he absolutely loved his wife. And I also suspected that he chose his flirtations judiciously. He knew that I wouldn't ever act on it, or take it to heart. It was amusing and nothing more.

But now.

Now once again I've been removed from Facebook by yet another married man.
Now I've once again been made to feel like a home-wrecker and a whore.

Why is it that, even though I've done nothing wrong, I'm made to feel dirty? Why are there wives out there who can't stand me when I've never coveted? Why are there girlfriends out there who don't even know that I exist? Why am I some dirty little secret?

I'm not the one who's misbehaved. And yet I'm the villain in this tale. I'm the secret. I'm the one who's so easily been erased from someone's life as if I meant no more to these men than a typed word on a screen - to be deleted without thought.

It's the men who have done something wrong. And yet I feel like the dirty whore.

18 comments:

Shana-Marie said...

That's not how friends should treat one another. Not at all. Either these boys have emotional problems of their own, or their wives/girlfriends, seem to have problems of their own.
I sometimes wish people would take a look at how their actions impact others, and maybe think twice.
It's truly not you, and not your fault in anyway shape or form.

phishez_rule said...

You feel like a whore because the wives and girlfriends feel that you are one of those 'other women'.

Which you clearly aren't. The fact that it gets to you speaks volumes of your sensitive nature.

Paula said...

I hate this about guys - they always read too much into things. (A sweeping generalisation, I know, but so many similar things have happened to me, that I have to assume it's some sort of common trend). You are just trying to be friendly or whatever, and then they take it to a different level . . .one you weren't even aware was in existence until they break off the friendship. Then you're left feeling like you are the one who did something wrong, when nothing could be further from the truth.

Miss Britt said...

Oh I hate this so bad. I have no less than 3 drafts saved on this very thing.

In my experience, it's not the men that turn it into something "dirty" or "wrong". It's the wife/girlfriend/whatever that cannot for the life of them understand how someone can be friends with the opposite sex and not want to sleep with them.

Hate this. HAAAAAAAAAAAATE.

Princess of the Universe said...

Shana- the thing is, I don't necessarily think these guys are bad- I'm quite fond of all of them. I'm just hurt that I can either be deleted, or treated like a secret.

Phish- Maybe I'm being TOO sensitive?

Paula- I think EVERYone (including me maybe) is doing too much thinking about a non-issue.

Britt- I don't know if I'm just taking this too personally, or if I have a right to be angry or not...

Psychgrad said...

The fact that the guys treated you like a secret made the relationship inappropriate - not your actions. I wouldn't blame the wives, I'd blame the husbands who seemed like they weren't able to have a platonic female friendship without entering into territory that they knew wouldn't go over well with their girlfriends/wives.

I know it's difficult to not personalize it, but I really don't think this is a negative reflection of you.

Princess of the Universe said...

PsychG - I actually don't have issue with the wives. This latest wife knows me, and has never really liked me. I always wished she would, but I could completely understand why she didn't.

Last Guy In Your Post said...

It's me - the latest guy in your post... some clarification is in order perhaps... FIrst of all, you should NOT feel like a home-wrecker, or even feel dirty... It's not like that all. Second, you were never a secret relationship... My wife knew about our friendship all along and did in fact like you, and third, yes - it was me that went too far, and I realize that. Deleting you was also not easy. Our friendship did and does mean a lot... it's just that I'm guarding myself from going to far. Even if you had no intention of responding to my flirtations, well that's good - but who's to say that I might not have pursued it further? You were in no way at fault in any of this. The reason this happened was because I fail to control how close I let myself get to other girls... especially when they are interesting, smart, funny, and attractive.... And it's not like my wife won't LET me have female friends... this has nothing to do with her... it's me making the decisions to honour my own wife... I hope this makes some sense...

Gina said...

I entirely understand. If the guys would just be honest and authentic then there would not be these issues. If the women of their lives would be honest with themselves themselves then they'd see it was a problem with their husbands or boyfriends and not us! I hate how men make us feel and how their women sometimes too can make us feel.

(((hugs)))

(Now a regular reader of your blog!)

mr_g said...

You didn't do anything wrong. For a lot of guys it's easy to forget on the faceless Internet that our actions can have an impact on our real lives. Sometimes when the realization comes, it's so overwhelming that retreat appears to be the only option.

Princess of the Universe said...

Last Guy- I understand, I really do. I am just sorry that this has happened to me yet again. I'm not angry with either you, your wife, or even necessarily the other men I've mentioned. I just find the whole thing rather frustrating.

Gina- thanks for stopping by! Like I mentioned before, I am willing to consider the fact that I'm taking this WAY too much to heart! :)

Mr G- ahh you men- you need to toughen up! :P

Glamourpuss said...

Firstly, no one can make you feel anything you choose not to feel. So don't let them put that role and those feelings on you. Secondly, men are idiots - married ones especially - they have clearly crossed the line and they need to carry the can for that.

Friends who behave like that are not friends; it's no loss.

Puss

Jen said...

It's easier to blame you than it is to blame their marriage, their husband, their wives or even themselves.

You're a good person Princess. You don't need to worry about people like this - as hurtful as it is, you keep being the good & beautiful that you are.

Anonymous said...

no matter what I will never delete you hahaha
Nick

Princess of the Universe said...

Puss- I think that men in generally just aren't able to think on a bigger global scale when it comes to this sort of thing. They need to ask themselves: will this cause damage to anyone? Should I be doing this etc. Hindsight can only get you so far...

*No offense to my male readers!!*

Jen- I guess they are just more comfortable if the "temptation" is removed all together. Sad really. You could just...I don't know...stop flirting? Behave yourself?

My Dear Anon- thanks honey! And you're allowed to flirt with me all you want!

Hilly said...

I think that it is easier for the men like this to blame the woman rather than look at their own actions. Also? I flirt with plenty of married men and plenty of men flirt with my married ass. Never ONCE have any of us said we need to stop talking because our INTENTIONS are not impure...we're just having fun.

Obviously, I think these guys you mentioned did not always have the most pure intentions! Hrmph!

AmyTree said...

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said - you are obviously NOT a dirty whore. I can't slam the guys either though - poor judgement and little thought (or much thought and then disregard)for your feelings, and perhaps a touch of spinelessness and stupidity, is their fault - but I don't think they have gone out of their way to hurt you. I don't think they're bad guys (from what I have heard), just incredibly lame.

You are obviously a firecracker for them to feel this threatened by you!! :-) xxx

Friendly Manitoban said...

I think we should talk about this.

 
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