Anger. Guilt.

When I look at my life and my attitudes towards it, I realize that I drift along predominantly feeling two emotions: anger and guilt.

Often the guilt comes as a result of the anger. And sometimes the anger is because of the guilt. Either way, those two emotions glide beside me hand-in-hand all day every day. They love each other those two feelings. They cherish their time together and giggle gleefully while they torment me with their mischief and competitiveness.

Who will win today? Anger? Guilt? A tie?
They've become virtually indistinguishable from each other - like couples who start to look alike.
Or perhaps they're siblings. Who knows?

All I know is that those two feelings are what won't let me rest.

Anger has made me leave jobs. But guilt is what has kept me there for so long in the first place.
Guilt has made me do things that I don't want to do - for my brother, for co-workers, for friends - and anger is the result. I should perhaps add a little sister to the mix - anger's mini-sibling: resentment.

I volunteer for an organization, and I feel guilty that I haven't given it my all. Yet, I resent and get angry when they ask me to do more.

My brother makes me angry for being so irresponsible and inconsiderate, yet I feel guilty when I lash out at him for simply being who he is.

I confide in friends about some of my unhappiness and feel guilty for burdening them. Then am angry when they don't seem to care enough to follow up. Or when they offer advice that I don't want to hear. The I feel guilty because I am not immediately grateful for the fact that they even took the time to listen and offer their thoughts on the matter.

I feel guilty because I said something on this blog that caused me to lose friends. Then am angry because the punishment seems disproportionate to the crime. Then feel guilty again for not respecting their feelings enough to not be understanding without having an undertone of anger on top of it.

I don't know how to untangle myself from these emotions. They are my constant companions with everything I do. The guilt is what makes me monitor and censor every word I ever say to anyone. The anger is what makes me not want to answer the phone most nights.

I am constantly tired from this battle that is constantly occurring in my head. I know that these feelings shouldn't taint everything I do and say. I know that I should probably print out this post and take it to a therapist. I know that most people don't live their lives this way.

I try so hard to be good all the time. And I think these feelings are a side-effect of that. Trying to be good means that you feel guilty when you're not. It results in anger at others at the fact that they don't know just how hard you're trying. But why should they know? Why should they know that in my head is a constant battle of propriety and consideration.

It's exhausting. I can never figure out why all I want to do at my very core is sleep. Sleep well. Not toss and turn and wake up constantly. Perhaps it's to try and escape the battle. Escape the giggling siblings and their torments. Escape a life of appropriateness.

Anger and Guilt. I hate them both. Yet they seem to love me.