It's the End of the Year...Time to Assess...

So what is it that makes us interesting people worth knowing? For the most part, I think what defines us, is the decisions that we make.

But it's not enough that we always make the decisions that we should make. It's the surprising ones, the stupid ones, the unexpected ones that also carve out our paths and make us who we are.

Before making any decision, I tend to always do what my father would prefer. And if it's a major life event, I even consult with him on it. He's the voice in my head. The epitome of reason and correctness.

But I don't even think that he would respect me if I didn't do the odd thing without his direct approbation. Our choices create a butterfly effect- both for ourselves, and for the people around us, and sometimes we need to create those effects for ourselves- without anyone telling us what to do.

On the whole? I tend to always do the right thing. I don't take a lot of risks in my life, and I am constantly aware of how my behaviour will both affect those around me, and how it will cause other people to think of me.

- I can't wear clothes that are too tight or low cut. Not only are they not flattering, but more importantly- people might get the wrong impression of me.
- If I throw a party, I must invite my neighbours, and slip notes under their doors ahead of time warning them that it's coming so as not to offend.

I could go on and on citing examples of things that I do that are proper and appropriate. I'm always the one to throw the shower or staggette. I will always be on time. I will always consult before purchasing a gift so as to not burden someone with something unwanted.

But does this make me interesting? Not even remotely. Even reading this makes me not want to be friends with myself. People don't want to be around people who are constantly in a state of high drama, crisis and neediness. Someone who is constantly making stupid decisions and is complaining about their lot in life is just frustrating.

However, someone who always has the correct job, education, and car and house and friends?
Someone who never gets drunk, and works out religiously and doesn't have time for TV because they're working at a homeless shelter? Yeah, they're probably not sought out for all the best parties either.

I've been thinking about some of the decisions I've made this year and trying to figure out which end of the scale I'm ending up on. There are some phenomenally bad moves that I've made, and I'm trying to figure out if I can counter them with enough smart decisions to at least have it all kind of be a wash...

BAD:
- Quit job without anything to fall back on, and not much hope for EI
- Got myself in a potential load of trouble because of this blog
- Said some unkind things about people on this blog
- Went out with a couple of internet men, had sex with one and am currently freaking out because of being "late"
- Totally betrayed my brother's trust to my father and had a potentially relationship-shattering fight with him as a result
- hit pole with car- haven't addressed annoying dent yet

GOOD:
- Quit job that caused me to end up on crazy pills and therapy and throwing up every day
- Found much better job with way more money and benefits
- Am now seeing step-sisters on a more regular basis and are getting much closer as a result
- Am now off crazy pills and therapy and seeing doctor every 2 weeks
- Am back to volunteering with Alumni Association, and have made some lovely new friends there

Honestly, at the moment the bad is looking a lot worse than the good. I think I need to perhaps re-assess some things. Do the bad decisions make me more interesting, or am I just looking like someone who needs to smarten up a bit? I get so tired of being proper and appropriate that apparently sometimes I tip a bit too far to the other end of the spectrum.

I'm all for being a well-rounded (read: equal parts smart and stupid) person, but I'm thinking that perhaps tipping a little bit more on the "good" end, as a rule? Probably the best way to go.

OK, off to write my list of resolutions. I only have a few days....