Saturday, December 27, 2008

It's the End of the Year...Time to Assess...

So what is it that makes us interesting people worth knowing? For the most part, I think what defines us, is the decisions that we make.

But it's not enough that we always make the decisions that we should make. It's the surprising ones, the stupid ones, the unexpected ones that also carve out our paths and make us who we are.

Before making any decision, I tend to always do what my father would prefer. And if it's a major life event, I even consult with him on it. He's the voice in my head. The epitome of reason and correctness.

But I don't even think that he would respect me if I didn't do the odd thing without his direct approbation. Our choices create a butterfly effect- both for ourselves, and for the people around us, and sometimes we need to create those effects for ourselves- without anyone telling us what to do.

On the whole? I tend to always do the right thing. I don't take a lot of risks in my life, and I am constantly aware of how my behaviour will both affect those around me, and how it will cause other people to think of me.

- I can't wear clothes that are too tight or low cut. Not only are they not flattering, but more importantly- people might get the wrong impression of me.
- If I throw a party, I must invite my neighbours, and slip notes under their doors ahead of time warning them that it's coming so as not to offend.

I could go on and on citing examples of things that I do that are proper and appropriate. I'm always the one to throw the shower or staggette. I will always be on time. I will always consult before purchasing a gift so as to not burden someone with something unwanted.

But does this make me interesting? Not even remotely. Even reading this makes me not want to be friends with myself. People don't want to be around people who are constantly in a state of high drama, crisis and neediness. Someone who is constantly making stupid decisions and is complaining about their lot in life is just frustrating.

However, someone who always has the correct job, education, and car and house and friends?
Someone who never gets drunk, and works out religiously and doesn't have time for TV because they're working at a homeless shelter? Yeah, they're probably not sought out for all the best parties either.

I've been thinking about some of the decisions I've made this year and trying to figure out which end of the scale I'm ending up on. There are some phenomenally bad moves that I've made, and I'm trying to figure out if I can counter them with enough smart decisions to at least have it all kind of be a wash...

BAD:
- Quit job without anything to fall back on, and not much hope for EI
- Got myself in a potential load of trouble because of this blog
- Said some unkind things about people on this blog
- Went out with a couple of internet men, had sex with one and am currently freaking out because of being "late"
- Totally betrayed my brother's trust to my father and had a potentially relationship-shattering fight with him as a result
- hit pole with car- haven't addressed annoying dent yet

GOOD:
- Quit job that caused me to end up on crazy pills and therapy and throwing up every day
- Found much better job with way more money and benefits
- Am now seeing step-sisters on a more regular basis and are getting much closer as a result
- Am now off crazy pills and therapy and seeing doctor every 2 weeks
- Am back to volunteering with Alumni Association, and have made some lovely new friends there

Honestly, at the moment the bad is looking a lot worse than the good. I think I need to perhaps re-assess some things. Do the bad decisions make me more interesting, or am I just looking like someone who needs to smarten up a bit? I get so tired of being proper and appropriate that apparently sometimes I tip a bit too far to the other end of the spectrum.

I'm all for being a well-rounded (read: equal parts smart and stupid) person, but I'm thinking that perhaps tipping a little bit more on the "good" end, as a rule? Probably the best way to go.

OK, off to write my list of resolutions. I only have a few days....

13 comments:

Psychgrad said...

I think I'm too much of a Libra to really give a definitive answer on this one... In my opinion, the only thing worse than bad decisions is no decision. Stagnation. So, action requires some sort of consequence. It's cliche...but as long as you learn from the bad stuff (some of your bad list is debatable too), then you're progressing.

Happy holidays!

Crys said...

i think being a person of quality doesn't make you non-interesting, it makes you inspiring. a lot of times people aren't doing much with their lives and so find it hard to be around someone who is motivational, got it together, and/or is inspiring.

but hey babes, i like you!

Princess Pointful said...

Honestly, that bad list doesn't seem too overwhelming compared to the lists of many, many people I know. We always hold ourselves to higher standards than we hold anyone else. The way I see it, no matter how overwhelming and crazy a "bad" decision may be, most of the time, not even a year later, it is no longer that "bad" decision, and just a part of life as we live it-- we can't imagine not having made that decision now.

server extraordanare said...

your funny! get it???
Yeah so your bad list is really not that bad.
I think the worst thing on there is the one with your brother.
I guess my influence is not working.

WendyB said...

I'm sure there are many, many people with a much worse bad list than that. If I started writing one I'd be too demoralized, so let's just not go there.

Richard said...

Hi,

Whew! A lot of stuff to handle. But you're clearly in there doing it. Psych stuff takes work, all right.

I might be able to help with the relationship decision part. Maybe a time to "call time" and re-assess your moves.

Perhaps take a look at the website, smartrelationshipdecisions.com, which provides tools for doing so. Let me know if I can add anything. And good luck!

Princess of the Universe said...

PsychG- thanks honey! Well I'm definitely assessing and learning, so that's progress....

Crys- Thanks- I likes you too! And I promise to try to be universally inspiring!

PP- The list seems bad enough to me, but you know- not like EVIL bad or anything...

My Dear Anon- yeah, the brother one is pretty sucky- but I actually don't call it the worst one. And I AM funny...

WendyB- I would LOVE to read your bad list though...send me an email! :P

Richard- thanks for the advice Doc, and for promoting your website here- I'll get right on checking that out...

Valley Girl said...

I like that you invite your neighbors to your house parties.

Alice said...

Princess,

I have enjoyed reading your blog... Your bad stuff is not that bad. People forgive and we are all humans that make mistakes. The job thing was great, I quit my job this year too and got on meds. That place made me sick and I had to get out, I am much happier I did. Here is to the new year for us all, may we make good decesions.

Random Musings Of My Life said...

I think you are too hard on yourself. Your bad list really is not that bad. My brother and I had to have a few falling outs, my sister to (goes with me having to say what I think, I can not blow sunshine up anyones ass)
Its made us closer. And more honest with each other.

Nat said...

I'm with random musing on this one. I read the list and thought the good outweighed the bad. Try to take good and bad out of the equation. Just make the decision you need to make for you. I think we all know what the good and bad decisions are...

Be who you are... stop worrying about everyone else. They'll cope and they'll adjust.

Happy New year... Hang in there it will get better i promise.

the frog princess said...

Honestly? Some of the stuff on your "Bad" list really isn't all that terrible.

For example, hitting a pole with your car is more of an accident than a decision. I doubt you thought to yourself "Hey, let's run into that pole and see how much damage it can cause! That would be fun!"

Saying unkind things about people? Might not be wise, but people who are disingenuously nice all the time when really they want to claw someone's eyes out are worse, IMHO.

Besides, discounting the car incident, if you can only come up with five bad decisions made over an entire year? I think you're in pretty good shape!

Stop being so hard on yourself, and Happy New Year! :)

Glamourpuss said...

Funny. After reading yoru list, I thought the opposite; that the good outweighed the bad :-)

Puss

 
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