Squishy...

So this week, I experienced the outpouring of love and good wishes that only those in the internet community can provide.

I received DM's from people on Twitter giving me their cell numbers, telling me to call them anytime I wanted to talk.
I received messages via email and facebook and in the comment sections of my blog.
Some were simple and said that they hoped I was OK, and they were there if I wanted to vent.
Some were an order to go the doctor. Post haste.
Some were telling me how absolutely wonderful I am and that I shouldn't be ashamed to express anything I needed to on my own blog.
And some said that they absolutely knew how I felt, and that they had felt the same things.

No one said that I was a freakshow and that I was seriously disturbed. (Although it was perhaps implied in the "get your ass to doctor now" message?) And my fear of losing droves of readers (hah! like I even have "droves" to lose) didn't come to fruition.

I've come to love my wee corner o' the bloggiverse. I realize just how much it's given to me in the almost two years that I've been writing here.

Materially:
I've received from my darling bloggers: underwear, mascara, bracelets, sparkly tiara tattoos, books, postcards, tart filling, Cds of Broadway tunes, Christmas cards, birthday cards, cute little notebooks, notecards, and photos of Jensen Ackles (and no doubt I'm forgetting things).

Via the internetz: twitter followers, countless emails, facebook friends (which equals Scrabble partners), and internet radio show chatroom parties

I can't possibly express how enriched my life has become because of all of you darling people. From 3 hour lunches with some of you, to texting about Supernatural with others, dinners and coming up with interview questions, sending out prizes and dreaming about the day that I will meet you all.

Not to mention the lame-ass blog prizes that I've sent out to you: tampon cases, fish flakes, home-made CDs of Canadian music, used books, maple chocolate and Canadian memorabilia....
I certainly don't do anything cool like say, sending someone a Buffy the Vampire Slayer box set. Why would I do that when you'll settle for me burning you Bryan Adams and Celine Dion?

Anyhoo, this is a long-winded way of simply telling you that I love you all. I cherish each comment, email, twitter stalker and text message. Those people who don't blog, simply don't understand the community that exists here. I have been touched and overwhelmed this week, and simply want to thank you for being...you.

xoxo

The Sun'll Come Out.....

So I really need to decide, is this going to be a girly lollipop blog, or a depression blog?
Apparently it's the Dissociative Identity blog....

So, as happens so often in life, when one hits a significant low, the next day is glorious.

Now I can't say that anything earth shattering happened to me yesterday, I didn't suddenly win the lottery and meet the man of my dreams. But a series of small things happened that subtly reminded me that life is full of surprises. One simply cannot wake up and predict everything that will happen between that moment, and the moment one goes to sleep that night.

I was prepared to go to a series of meetings yesterday. My workday was essentially booked from 8:30 - 2:30. I was pleased with this because the types of meetings on the schedule were relatively relaxing and interesting. This was not to be.

I arrived to find out that the first meeting had been cancelled and that as a result of the federal budget being announced the afternoon before, I had to prepare a report for a meeting a few hours later. Now this was not interesting in and of itself. However, what struck me after I did said report was this: had such a circumstance been described as commonplace in the job description, I most likely would not have applied.

I hate politics. I would have felt myself ill-qualified to analyze a government document. And it would have terrified me to know that such a thing was expected of me with so little time to prepare, and for a meeting of such importance.

So I did it. And it was fine. And I didn't panic.

What is noteworthy in the above three lines is not the fact that it was fine. What's noteworthy is the fact that I didn't work myself up into a state. It was asked of me. I did it. I moved on to other things.

I can do this job. Even if it involves analysis of federal budgets. Even if it has last second demands. Even if I might not know what I'm doing. I am resourceful.

Subtle. But good.

I came home last night to discover that I had double booked myself. I am seeing a friend fight at the Convention Centre next weekend. Now I may be morally opposed to fighting but a) him and more importantly his wife are very good friends of mine, so I choose to be supportive b) he is quite honestly the most beautiful creature on God's green earth and I am totally OK seeing him with a shirt off c) I get a pink t-shirt proclaiming that I am part of his team of groupies. Awesome.

However, when I phoned to cancel scrapbooking (the double-booking part) with my step-sister, my niece answered the phone. She was overjoyed. At age 9 1/2 she was finally getting her own email address! So she has been emailing me off and on ever since. It's absolutely delightful.

Again? Subtle. But lovely.

When I checked my mailbox last night I found a package in there. Weird. Not a bill or a flyer, but an honest to goodness package. It was a free wallet from Espe. I had emailed them last week to point out a design flaw with a bag that I had purchased months ago. I love the company and will absolutely keep buying their products, but I thought they should know that this one thing wasn't such a great idea on their bags. Anyhow, to thank me they sent me a free wallet. So everyone? Go check out their site and maybe buy something. They are a lovely company with beautiful and whimsical products.

And then of course my person called me. It seems with the new baby, her and her DH have decided that they need to institute meal plans. She told me everything they were having for dinner in the next 14 days, told me to pick my favourite and come over for dinner.

Uh huh. They just had a baby and they're offering to feed me. I'm an awesome friend. The most I've brought over to them are doughnuts. And what's even more awesome? I'm totally going to take advantage of this offer and eat their food. That'll show them! (uh and maybe I'll bring a casserole and some cookies for them to eat too)

So depression? Suicidal thoughts? I kick you in the knees (if you had knees). I refuse to acknowledge you. Life can be and frequently is wonderful. Between 9 year old emails, and free food and all the glorious messages I've received in the past few days from the bloggiverse, life is good.

xo

Dear Everyone,

Thanks so much for your emails, twitter messages, comments and beautiful thoughts.

As luck would have it, I do in fact have a doctor's appointment next week (as more than one of you have suggested) . Perhaps while he's giving me new allergy meds, I might talk to him about a re-dose of crazy as well.

Next time I'm in a dark place like that I think I'll spare you all the drama and post up a cartoon. That'll be our secret code OK?

Thanks again lovelies. Love you all.

xo

There's a line in the movie "Ever After" that goes something along the lines of "I thought if I cared about something, it meant I had to care about everything." The point being that it would be completely overwhelming, and that it was impossible.

Sometime I feel that way. Especially lately, I've been feeling that I've been trying so hard to care about everything that I ended up just failing utterly. "Epic Fail" which seems to be catchphrase around the internets lately.

That is genuinely how I feel as a person right now. Like one big epic fail.

Sometimes when a person tries too hard to be perfect they just explode and eventually either just give up, or do something really dramatic to get the point across that they are simply done.

The thing is, I haven't done either. What I've done is simply let being a good caring person slip. I've forgotten how to be compassionate. I've forgotten how to be patient. I've forgotten how to be good. I didn't realize that I was doing it until I sat and took stock the other day.

I had done something that I just couldn't quite justify away in my head. Yes, I could write about it here and probably make all of you agree that what I did was completely understandable, and maybe even convince you that I was in the right. But the thing is, I don't know whether or not I was.

It's not even that I know that I was wrong. I just don't know how to decide what the right thing is anymore. In the past 12 months I've had some major crap happen. Most likely the culmination of it all is pretty much therapy-worthy, but when it comes down to it? I simply can't reconcile what I've been doing with the person that I thought that I was.

I quit my job. And I believed that I did a good job there and that I would be missed and lamented. And yet, if I were to need a reference now? I don't think I could find one person from that company who would give me one. When I first left I had several, but over the past 8 months I've managed to completely alienate myself from everyone there who supported me.

I've lost at least three friendships in the past 6 months. One I very much decided that I couldn't handle anymore, and at the time that was fine. But some of the words that he said to me after I ended it still haunt me. And then a few weeks ago I did something that made me lose two other friends. I don't know why I couldn't have simply left those friendships to drift like they inevitably were going to. No, I had to do something to hurt those people so now I can't even call them if I wanted to. 3 friendships in 6 months? As much as I might be able (on paper) to put the blame on those people, I have to look at who the common denominator is.

Profiles on the booty call section of dating sites? And actually meeting one of them strictly for sex? This might not be the biggest sin in the world, but it's certainly out of character and makes me wonder what prompted me to even go there.

My doctor told me that I was "cured" after I quit my job. I didn't need to be on my crazy pills anymore. I didn't need to see him every couple of weeks. I had taken myself out of therapy and I was supposed to be OK.

So why am I still thinking about hurting myself? The next thing you know I'm going to start giving away all my things and making "plans." Jesus, how bloody selfish have I become?

There's no reason for me to be in the amount of pain that I'm in. I have a good life, and being restless and a bit lonely is no excuse for what's been going on in my head.

And yet.

Everyday I force myself into work and go through the motions without really caring about anything other than making sure my boss is happy. There's no passion. There's no sense of fulfillment.

I come home each night. I read blogs. I watch some TV. I read a book and am in bed by 10:00. I look at the phone when it's ringing and decide whether or not I can fake being happy for whomever it is on the other end of the line. Often I can't, so I don't bother answering.

This isn't living. It's existing.

Everyday I hear echoes in my head. Voices telling me all the ways that I'm letting myself and everyone around me down. Apathy hurts, especially those people who are perceptive enough to notice a person living in it.

I try so hard to make myself care about what's going on. I try to be silly with friends. I try to make myself carry on at least for the sake of those who would be hurt if I didn't. I try not to resent the fact that I didn't ask for this life. This so-called gift that I should be cherishing. No one has told me that I have to do the best I can with this life I've been given, it's understood that that's what we, as humans are obligated to do.

The people around me have their own pain. They have their own hurdles to overcome. No one should have to care about what's going on in my head. I can't be hurt about the fact that people aren't immersing themselves in my struggles when they have so many of their own.

When the voices and echoes aren't accusing me of living a sub-par life, they're reminding me of the fact that I cannot allow myself to be a burden on anyone. I can't be that weak and selfish. I don't have the option to hide away from the world. If I allow myself to do so, I will simply become an even paler shadow of a person than I already am. Almost transparent.

However sometimes it's hard to ignore the question: what am I really doing with my life? What do I really contribute to this world? The flip-side of that of course is - am I really trying to do something to contribute? Have I really tried to do something with my life? No one can do it for me now can they?

I used to hold myself to such a high standard, but I don't know what I do now. I drift along, wishing I could find a way to make things right with my old boss, with the friends I lost, with the voices in my head telling me over and over that I should be doing more somehow. Telling me that I shouldn't be like this- I have nothing to complain about, and that I should just try harder.

It's just so exhausting....

Fluffy Lollipops...

Ok, so I couldn't exactly think of a way to tie puppies and lollipops together, that post is still to come. But this post is all about the happy fluffy.

Now I didn't want to just write another post that lists all the happy things is my life right now, cause that's so been done. So I got to thinking, what else could I do?

I rejected the idea of simply posting an alphabetical list of fluffy things. Cause while it might entertain me to do the research, I'm not sure that sense of whimsy would translate well onto the screen. (As an aside, if movies are the "big screen" and TV is the "small screen" what do we call blogs? the "other small screen"??)

So after a great deal (translation: 5 minutes) of thought, I decided to do a photo post. You see I've done some shopping lately, and I want some oohhing and aahing from the masses about my purchases.

So without further ado:

I've decided that I've hit the glorious stage in my life where I can no longer eat...well...whatever I feel like. So bye bye French Fries and burgers. Bye bye cheesecake. Hello 80 -100 calorie bits of chocolatey happiness. In my mind, I can eat one (OK two today...it's not my fault...I just took them out to take the photo and suddenly an Aero stick was in my hand...I don't know how it happened!) a day and still be guilt-free as long as I eat reasonably otherwise.





OK, this is one of the annoyingly adorable pom pom boots. You can't really see the pom poms, but they're totally there. And I have to say, they have kept me superwarm this winter. Now that I'm outside walking a lot more in like -50 degree weather (sorry, I don't know how to convert that into American) they've been a God send. And I think I sorted out why they untie themselves sometimes...something to do with twisting the laces when I tie them.... (and man do I ever need to clean the floor at my front door...this is actually kind of embarassing that I'm the entire internet-verse concrete proof of my crappy housekeeping skills)



Now before anyone gets all "but Princess, Christmas was only a month ago." Some of this was pre-Christmas. And some, like this necklace was from a gift certificate that my Daddy gave me for Christmas. Isn't it pretty?
I don't generally wear gold, and am having a hard time finding this to accessorize with it (because I don't care whether they say you can do it or not, I don't like to wear gold and silver together). I still love it though, and the little gold flowers make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.




Now this purchase has been a long time coming. I keep cleaning out my bottom cupboards (oh wait, I'm supposed to be honest on my own blog right? Let's rephrase: One every year or two I clean out my bottom cupboards...) and I find all the bottles of wine I somehow end up with. I decided to put them on display all pretty-like in the hopes that maybe someone will notice them and you know, drink it. Cause I very rarely drink wine. And if you look at the wine? Cheap and fruity. Look at the bottom right. Should wine be that bright pink shade? Not if you're classy it shouldn't be.

And this? Well I big pink fluffy heart this. Newly purchased just a few hours ago. 1/3 bulletin board, 1/3 photo from, 1/3 tucked in ribbony thingie (don't know what to call that part). This is now freshly hung above my computer desk (yes, I still work with a desktop). And if anyone wants to send me some bloggy photos of themselves, I'll be happy to put them into the photo part and gaze at them adoringly whenever I'm typing up blogs or tweets or whatever...

OK. Fluffy accomplished. And thanks to all of you who've reminded me that it's OK for me to get ranty occasionally. But since 100% ranty blogs are one of my pet peeves, well....

Ranty Ranty...

Of late I've been thinking a lot about feelings - both mine and others'.

I've been thinking that while they are the very essence of what makes us who we are, they're kind of a pain sometimes. I mean, not only do we have to monitor our own on a fairly constant basis, but we also have to be mindful of others'.

It seems inevitable that no matter what we do, there's going to be a time when we hurt someone that we care about. Because regardless of how careful we are, not everyone feels the same way about everything. The world just doesn't work that way.

The other day at work, I had a situation that I felt very strongly one way about, and everyone in the office felt the opposite. Of course the appropriate course of action there was to go with the majority, and since it wasn't something that was going to have long-last effects on anything, I pretty much let it go.

Because that's what we often do in life - just let things go. Because it's so much easier to control our own behaviour (not feelings, I don't think we can help those) than it is to try to control someone else.

But what about those times when you just can't let something go? You see often it seems that there is one person who gives way the majority of the time in any relationship (working, sibling, friendship etc) than others. On the surface it might be that the person who gives way just doesn't feel as strongly as the other person. But that's generally not the case at all. It's often the case that the person who gives way is either a) the bigger person or b) quite avoidant of conflict.

But when that person just can't let something go? Well, then what? You see we often see examples in books/TV/movies of how when that person finally stands their ground on something, there is cheering and fanfare all around them. The person that they are standing up to is so in awe of this change in behaviour that they suddenly understand everything that they've been doing wrong all along and bow down to that person's wishes.

Well that's a load of crap. I have never seen that happen in real life. From personal experience (cause let's remember this is MY blog people, and I'm only writing this from my point of view) it generally tends to backfire. The people that I've stood up to, have made me feel so selfish about it that it just didn't seem worth it.

I know I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. I am constantly monitoring people. How are they feeling? Is this a good time to approach them? I watch their every reaction and censor every word I say to make sure it doesn't go badly.

But even this has it's drawbacks. I've been accused of being condescending when I've spoken calmly and rationally about a situation that I'm upset about. This person was so accustomed to having people fly off the handle (what does that expression mean anyhow?) that he didn't know what to do with my behaviour.

People simply don't react well to being told (no matter in what way) that you've hurt them, and their instinctive reaction is to just get hurt and angry back.

All this sounds like I'm about to start advocating for a "why even bother" attitude doesn't it? And I admit, that's how I feel some days. But on the whole, no. I do think we should bother. I think that we as humans have an obligation to each other. The world can't exist in a strictly ID society. We have to be mindful of others.

So as exhausting as it is, we have to question ourselves, our feelings and think about how what we're about to say and do is going to affect the other person. We have to remind ourselves that they are not mind readers and they may not know what your intentions are behind your words.

And when people do explode? When they do something that is hurtful or out of character? Maybe instead of giving the knee-jerk angry reaction, simply as "why?" Why did they do that? Is there some tiny part of what I did that may be deserved that?

I think we owe it to each other to think more.

Ugh, two ranty posts in a row. I think I'll write about puppies and lollipops next time.

Women are Crazy & Irrational, Men are Clueless and Inconsiderate.

So I was at D2's this weekend. He has a woman who is quite enamoured with him.

She phones relentlessly, stops by his place, goes crazy when she hears he's out with another woman, phones his co-workers and asks about him, and begs him to spend time with her.

I have questioned him about this relentlessly. Is he AT ALL attracted to her? Has he been 100% clear that he is not interested? He insists that no, he is not interested, and yes, he has been very clear.

OK then. So my question is this: What self-respecting woman would carry on chasing after a man who has blocked you from calling his home, has told you he's not interested, has encouraged you to get marriage counselling, and whose closest friends and family are not pleasant to you when you call?

See that's the kind of behaviour that makes us women look bad.

This situation has been going on for months now. And all I could come back to, each time he told me a new story about her antics was: where is the self-respect? Why would anyone want someone who doesn't want them?

I can appreciate the fact that sometimes persistence pays off. And being coy or shy about your feelings can lead to missed opportunities. This goes way beyond "He's Just Not That Into You." This is just stupidity and embarrassing.

I knew a person once who was going on a blind date. She consulted with us girls at work about potential excuses she could use if the date didn't go well. How would she get herself out of there, and what would she tell him the next day? The suggestions that the other girls came up with started getting more and more outlandish.

So I suggested that she just be honest. Let him know that it was lovely meeting him, however she wasn't interested in pursuing anything further, have a good night. (Or something like that).

They all looked at me like I had suddenly turned green and grew a tail, and proceeded to come up with more stupid excuses for her to use.

And it's that kind of game playing that creates some of these stupid stalker situations. People play games so much in the dating world that honesty is neither considered nor recognized. I asked D2 just how clear he was with her. Like 100% clear? He insists that he was, but I know that he is a) a coward when it comes to women and b) reluctant to hurt her feelings.

Fine. Perhaps not everyone has a gift for words. Perhaps when she bursts into tears at her rejection, it seems heartless to let her go and suggest she find someone to console her. However doing anything except being completely honest is not fair either.

Am I justifying her behaviour? Uh no. She's seven shades of crazy and I would dearly love to tell her off. And as I said? She makes the rest of us look bad. She's the reason that I'm so terrified of being perceived as "needy" and never phone men. (But that's a conversation for another time).

However, if I could send her a message, it would be this:

Honey, stand up, shake yourself off and move on. If he's not into you, why not find someone who is? Stop tainting all of woman-kind's reps by perpetuating the whole "women are crazy" rumour.

End rant.

Princess 101

So I've blissfully gained a few readers of late, and have also (coincidentally? I think not.) found some lovely new blogs to follow. I don't know about all of you, but I am far too lazy busy to delve into everyone's archives and read everything they've ever written to really learn the essence of them.

Couple that with the fact that I unposted all my archives this summer, so anyone who is inclined to do so has a problem. So, this little post is going to be all about the basics that make up the Princess (yours truly). And then I'll totally post it on the side of my blog so you all can read it ANY time. I'm just so freakin' fabulous and generous that way.

- I am 33, single and live in Winnipeg, Canada. (Right now, quite possibly the coldest place on God's Green Earth). (But other than that Winnipeg is super fab- you know Winnie the Pooh was named after us??)

- I have a lovely condo to call my own, and really don't play well with others. I had a roommate last summer, and needless to say, I hated it and we are no longer friends. (Not entirely because I let him stay with me rent-free for 3 months, but it certainly didn't help).

- I am NOT a good housekeeper. I'm tidy, but I don't dust/vacuum/wash windows a fraction as often as I should. I could (and possibly already have) name my dust bunnies. Le sigh. OK not really. But I do hate doing it...

- I work in education (not teaching, more administrative) and so far love the job I'm in. I quit my job of 7 years last spring without anything to go to and was 7 weeks between jobs. All in all I think I had a pretty painless bout of unemployment. Now, however, I have to use Dictionary.com at least once a week to look up all the words being thrown at me by PhD's. Unfair. I used to consider myself relatively intelligent.

- I have one brother, two step-sisters, two step-brother-in-laws, a Dad and Step-Mom. (Nieces, nephews, cousins etc etc). I get along well with all the steps, and was thrilled at the age of 18 to finally get sisters. I lived with my brother who is 12 years older than me up until then, and wanted someone to talk girly with. Although, to be fair, my brother can do girly with the best of them - he appreciates candles and chocolate even more than I do.

- My Mom died when I was 11, and that fact I think makes up a lot of who I am today.

- My obsessions: Jensen Ackles, Jane Austen, Lost, Great Big Sea, chocolate and mascara.
(Not necessarily in that order)

- I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I have pretty good hair, and a sparkling intellect (um, unless I'm at work- if so, change "sparkling intellect" to "lightening fast on a keyboard when looking up word definitions on the internet"). :P

- I have a few BFF's that I will write about on here since they're such a big part of my life: My person, My Dear Anon, and K.

- I don't have a boyfriend and My Dear Anon thinks I get all pitiful about that too often. I think I just miss sex. (Cause ya know, I really really do)

- I bake. If you invite me for dinner, I will generally offer to make dessert since cooking seems like too much pressure to me. Although, odds are I'll end up doing some sort of "experimental" baking, so results vary.

- I drive a 2003 silver Mazda Protege. I don't know how many cylinders. I don't know if it has anti-lock brakes. I (like Bella Swan) don't speak Car and Driver. So don't ask.

- I also don't know what brand my TV/VCR/Computer/stereo is. Seriously. Who cares about that crap? Does it work? Yes. Ok, I'm happy.

- I check my blog stats regularly. I find them fascinating. I mean how cool is it that someone in Buenos Ares found my because they want to know about Jensen Ackles and spanking?? (Um, not that I would know anything about that...)

Was this interesting at all? Quite possibly not. Quite possibly it just looks like I wanted to write a whole post about myself.
To those people who think the latter, I say: Well duh.

Let me know if I missed anything. If I get enough, maybe I'll compile them into a whole new post called Princess 201! (I just got wayyy too excited there, so maybe not)

Kisses!

Inane Phone and Text Conversations...

The Scene:
9:30 PM Tuesday night
Princess is cuddled up in bed, PJ’s on, with a trashy Nora Roberts novel that her Dear Anon insisted she just HAD to read.

Text message annoying sound

Princess: (in head) Where the #$#&%@!^ is my cell phone?! That thing’s gonna keep beeping until I acknowledge it. How do I turn off that @#@#%&*^ feature?

Text from My Dear Anon: We need to c a movie this weekend
In Princess’s Head: Bossy!
Text from Princess: I’m free on Friday
P's head: Because I have no life apparently
Text: MDA: Cool r u good to c a 3d movie
Text: P: What movie?

Phone rings

P: I’m in bed!
MDA: I didn’t want to type it out

P’s head: why not? I’m the one incapable of abbreviating anything. I so need to learn txt speak!

P: So??
MDA: My Bloody Valentine
P: 3d horror. Cool.
P: So what's it about?
MDA: I don't know
P: Who’s in it?
MDA: No one.
MDA: No wait! I mean Dean Morgan is in it!
P’s head: really?! He’s so dreamy! Wait a minute
P: No he’s not.
MDA: I’m totally gonna tell you that everytime I want to convince you to see a movie now.

Imaginary scenario in theatre:

P: When do I get to see Jeffrey Dean Morgan?

P’s head: He’s so dreamy. I love Denny. I mean until he started have ghosty sex all the time. Wtf is up with that? Why does he want Izzy anyways? He should love ME. Oh wait. Imaginary characters. Nevermind.

MDA: Well…he only has a cameo in this movie. If you blink you might miss him.

*pause*

MDA: There! Did you see him?! Oh. He’s gone.
P: Where? Where?

P’s head: I’m totally telling her that Jet Li is in the next girly chick movie that I want to drag her to. That’ll show her. (FYI- she luuurrrves Jet Li. Don't know why we're friends really)

So, even though I know absolutely nothing about this movie, and My Dear Anon had NO info either, apparently we're going to see it. Cause it's horror. And 3D.

We're cool that way.
xo

Dodging Bullets...

So when I first started this blog almost 2 years ago, when I was having an ultra bad day I would post up all the happy things going on in an effort to cheer myself up. (And thereby keeping up the illusion that this blog was my "Happy place.")

Today I am stressed and overwhelmed, and still upset about some things that happened last week (which I haven't mentioned on here...happy! happy!)

So yeah, here's a bullet list of happy things going on around me, let's see if this still works on cheering me up:

• I have yummy leftovers in the fridge for dinner tonight.
• I saw My person and baby on Saturday and it was lovely.
• I am going to see D2 this coming Saturday - it's been about 3 months since I last saw him.
• I got a delivery notice yesterday for a letter, which I am assuming means my passport has arrived- so I can now travel across borders legally - which one of my not-so-Canadian bloggy friends wants to invite me over?
  
• I am not pregnant.
• I am not dying.
• I have a full tank of gas.
• My hair looks OK today.
• The Monday work deadline that was totally freaking me out has been extended to February.
  
• I have prepared cookie dough in the fridge all ready for baking tonight. (Let me know if you want some and I'll Express Post you some chocolate chip cookies!)
• My pom pom boots have only untied themselves twice today (so far).
• Supernatural starts again this week (mmmm Jensen....)

Uh yeah, that's all I've got. And I'm not sure it's enough. What have YOU got? Tell me one happy thing.

PS - Anyone want a bloggy Valentine? Not the Life I Ordered has a fabulously inspired idea!

xo

Honesty is Way Tiring...

So the absolutely lovely Alice, from Mindless Ramblings of a 26 Year Old gave me this award - isn't it pretty?

The rules are that you must give 10 honest things about yourself and then nominate some others (I think 7) and then they do the same. I think the point is to nominate very "honest" blogs.

Now, with the exception of perhaps playing up my girliness just a wee bit, this whole blog is honest. I don't ever lie or misrepresent myself on here. My feelings are my feelings, and even if it makes me look bad, I'm not going to tell a story in a way other than what really happened. So, to qualify the below as "honest" seems a bit unnecessary to me, but who am I to complain about the rules?

So - Ten Things:

1. Regarding this blog - sometimes I think that if I was a bit more "ranty" I would get more readers. I see a lot of the more popular blogs that swear a lot and go off on tangents about - well it seems like everything. But I'm concerned that if I start doing that on here, it's going to spill over to life, and suddenly I'll turn into one of those people that in general make me pretty angry. They can't seem to shut up about things that piss them off, and how the world is so unfair. Ugh, I far prefer to accept responsibility for what makes me unhappy in life, kind of just let the rest go. It seems a lot less heart attack-inducing.

2. My back has been hurting for the past week. I have been having some beautiful fantasies about a hotstone massage. I'm debating about spending the money, because I know I should be saving for my Florida trip in April, and I still have to pay off my credit card...

3. I don't drink coffee. And only occasionally drink tea. Nor do I smoke or really drink. I am concerned that I have an unnatural addiction to fountain Diet Pepsi/Coke (with cherries). I have a craving for it every day. I think it comes from eating out too much. I really need to cook at home more.

4. I tried to bake some chocolate chip cookies for My Person and her DH yesterday. Fail. I seem to think that I'm the best baker next to Betty Crocker, yet I sometimes wonder if people aren't just humouring me.

5. You know how a lot of dating sites have 3 categories? "Dating" "Relationship" and something along the lines of "Booty Call"? I put myself into category 3 for a couple of months, it was hilarious enough that I don't regret doing it, but I am in awe with how many men are willing to be much more aggressive and spend money to have full memberships just to get sex, as opposed to finding something more meaningful. I may have to go off on a series of posts about what I've learned about humanity from that brief experience. I have since taken my profile down, as I expected I would.

6. There is no way I'm writing 10 things about myself here.

7. Yup, I think this is the last thing: I'm really hungry right now. I think I'm going to do some combination of eggs, hashbrowns and toast. And then my cupboard is pretty much empty. Good thing I'm going to the parents' for dinner tonight. That should guarantee me some leftovers.

Nominations: Of honest bloggers? Well let me qualify this with: if I don't nominate you, it by no means implies that I think you're lying!

1. Miss Britt
2. Glamour Puss
3. Sheila
4. Chief Rock Chef
5. Amber
6. Soap Box Princess
7. Karl

All these bloggers really put their lives out there for the world to see - the good, the bad, the hilarious.

xo

I Do Like Some Traditions...Just Not This One...

So the other day I was driving past the movie theatre and there was a HUGE poster of a 20 foot tall Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway staring down at me. They were back to back wearing wedding dresses and clutching bouquets.

Aside from freaking me out, cause they looked all Satan-like, it got me thinking about weddings. Now everyone has heard of the idea that every little girl plans her wedding from the time she's old enough to understand what one is. Me? I didn't do that.

Even before I was old enough to view weddings as the ceremonial passing of chattel (the bride) from one master (her father) to another (the husband) I didn't care about them much.

I've been a bridesmaid 4 times, and the maid of honour twice. I've been in weddings that have involved almost no work at all, I've had bridezillas and I've even had one or two OK weddings.

The recurring theme? A lot of women care more about the wedding than they do about the marriage. Sad. That's why men don't get as involved as you would like ladies - they're looking big picture- the wedding is a day, the marriage is forever. All they care about is having a drink and getting the big expense over with. (Yes, yes, there are exceptions....)

- I've been greeted at the door by bride's mothers with "PLEASE get her into a good mood before I kill her."
- I've had brides calling me all night as I was out drinking with their sisters after the rehearsal so we could each fortify ourselves for the hell we knew was going to come the next day.
- I've walked out on brides mid-task because I couldn't stand the way they were speaking both to me and to their fiancés.
- I've had endless brides thank me in their toasts because I did so much work for the wedding I should have been in the wedding party.
- I've had calls the night before the ceremony about me being the MC- "oh, did I not tell you that I needed you to do that? In French?"
- I've had to offer therapy to bowls of goldfish being transported for table centrepieces to out of town receptions, located at the end of very bumpy gravel roads.
- I've had to take brides to second hair appointments on the day of their wedding because they didn't like how the first one turned out.

And after all that? Do I want to get married? Only if I can plan a very special anti-wedding.
You can take the girl out of the event planning job, but you can't take the event planning out of the girl. I don't dream about marriage. Mostly cause the groom in question is so fuzzy that I can't even imagine him into tangibility.

I do dream about the excuse to plan a party of that magnitude and with that budget. I wonder if I could convince my Dad to just front me the money anyways if I promise to invite him, and with the caveat that if I ever do find some sucker willing to marry someone as neurtoic and eccentric as I am, we'll pay 100%.

I'm thinking something along the lines of a carnival. I want a massive room separated into tents.

One tent will have burlesque dancers, with cigar girls and a live 40's era band.
The next tent will have a fortune teller - crytal ball, tea leaves, tarot, crystals....
The next tent will have karaoke/Guitar Hero/Rock Band
Of course we'll need a food tent.
Another tent will have a pool table, and an air hockey table.
Of course one tent can have dancing.
Maybe a mime can walk around.

And some awesome goody bags at the end.

And what does this have to do with a wedding? Not much at all really. The only things that are wedding like that I would want is a photographer, and cake. I like cake.

No speeches. No pouffy dress. No entourage all dressed the same, flocking around me and my intended. No registry. No showers. No stress.

Weddings are a big industry. I get that. But why do they have to be so torturous?
I am the best person in the world to have in a wedding party - I firmly believe that people should be able to have one special day that they own completely. But I don't want anything like what I've seen to date.

Cause in my mind? Weddings suck.

xo

Get Over It

A few weeks ago I was to have a Christmas dinner with a few of my former co-workers. Only one of the four of us is still at that place.

I chose to not go. Now to be honest, my excuse of sickness was not a lie. I was in fact sick, and most likely I should not have gone to the dinner. But that isn't why I canceled. I canceled because I didn't want to go.

I had gone to a concert a few weeks earlier with one of those ex co-workers and found that we didn't have much to say to each other. (Or rather, she talked about herself and didn't seem interested in my life) She had been at the job much longer, and had left more recently than I had. I was surprised at her lack of knowledge of the person who took over her position and what was going on there since her departure.

She told me that she didn't care and that she had moved on, and that I needed to "get over it."

A few weeks prior to that I had sent the one remaining co-worker an email about something that I thought my ex-boss would be interested in. I asked her to forward it along, but to please keep my name out of it.

She said no, and told me to "get over it."

Hmmm, solid advice, no?

I do in fact need to "get over it." It's been almost 8 months since I've left. I need to immerse myself in my new job and forget about the past.

So why did I cancel on the Christmas dinner? Because I realized that I am not in fact over it. And to be callously told to do so may be tough love in their minds, but quite honestly was hurtful in mine. While at dinner, I would have wanted to talk about it. I would have then resisted the urge to do so, because I know they wouldn't have wanted to talk about it, and I would have simply sat there resenting the fact that I had to keep my mouth shut.

You see it kills me the way I left my last job. There are some people there who think very badly of me and there is nothing I can do about it. I have on more than one occasion started writing an email to my former boss in the hopes that her and I can come to some sort of resolution. But I know that such a communication would not be welcomed and would most likely just cause more damage.

Now I know that they most likely don't think about me much at all anymore. They have probably moved on with their work and projects and rarely give me a passing thought. But when that thought does occur? It's negative. They think I was irresponsible. They resent the way that I left. They don't understand why I feel vicitimized, when I believe that they think that they are the victims of my behaviour. I know that they feel that they treated me as best as they could.

And the problem is? I understand how they feel. Even if they don't understand me. I frequently try to convince myself that I want to forget all about the past seven years of my life. But that's silly. I learned a lot from that job. Both good and bad. I learned how to be a better employee, and I learned about the kind of person that I don't want to become. And I had a lot of good moments with my former boss.

I guess what I'm looking for is closure- although I hate that word. But I can't stand the fact that I still dream about my last job all the time. And I want to be able to rise above the wish that they would somehow miss me, and acknowledge that maybe I did more than they realized, and that perhaps some things should have been done differently or better, and maybe I would have stayed.

I know that I am in a better place now. A place where my work is genuinely praised, and not in a backhanded way. A place where I am not afraid to send an email for fear that the wording will be criticized. A place where I can keep my calculator wherever I want because really? It's a calculator, so who cares? A place that pays me appropriately for the work that I do, and gives amazing benefits and holidays. A place where my only complaint is that I have to take lunch at a certain time.

I need to get over this. But at this time of year especially, when I am seeing and hearing promotion for the big events that I've worked on at this time for the past seven years, it's impossible. I feel inundated with reminders of how things were, and how things should have been.

Ugh. "Get over it." Not helpful advice.

Meh

So I already wrote a semi-resolutional-type post. So I'm not gonna do that today. (Way to break with the norm Princess- Woo!)

So what exciting little nuggets are you going to get from me today?

I thought about writing an essay on what I did on my Winter Vacay, but since it's not over yet, you'll have to wait until next week.

I also thought about writing a review on the movies I've seen in the past week (Twilight- already been done over and over and over again, Australia - would take too long - since the movie went on and on forever, Valkyrie - not sure I could do it justice)

I also thought about writing about New Year's Eve- why I didn't do anything last night, and my thoughts on the holiday. But Meh.

As much as I have absolutely adored the fact that I've had this holiday - I kind of think it's sucking the life out of me. It's so bizarre for me to be on a break this time of year. For the past seven years of my life - this has always been the absolute busiest, most stressful time of the year. So I kind of don't know what to do with myself right now.

I could take another nap?
I could look at the pile of stuff that I haven't put away from Christmas and you know- put it away?
I could type up the report for my Volunteer Organization that I keep putting off?

Or I could write the most dull post in the world, telling you all about what I'm not doing. Yup. That's the winner.

Love you!
xo