Tuesday, January 06, 2009

I Do Like Some Traditions...Just Not This One...

So the other day I was driving past the movie theatre and there was a HUGE poster of a 20 foot tall Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway staring down at me. They were back to back wearing wedding dresses and clutching bouquets.

Aside from freaking me out, cause they looked all Satan-like, it got me thinking about weddings. Now everyone has heard of the idea that every little girl plans her wedding from the time she's old enough to understand what one is. Me? I didn't do that.

Even before I was old enough to view weddings as the ceremonial passing of chattel (the bride) from one master (her father) to another (the husband) I didn't care about them much.

I've been a bridesmaid 4 times, and the maid of honour twice. I've been in weddings that have involved almost no work at all, I've had bridezillas and I've even had one or two OK weddings.

The recurring theme? A lot of women care more about the wedding than they do about the marriage. Sad. That's why men don't get as involved as you would like ladies - they're looking big picture- the wedding is a day, the marriage is forever. All they care about is having a drink and getting the big expense over with. (Yes, yes, there are exceptions....)

- I've been greeted at the door by bride's mothers with "PLEASE get her into a good mood before I kill her."
- I've had brides calling me all night as I was out drinking with their sisters after the rehearsal so we could each fortify ourselves for the hell we knew was going to come the next day.
- I've walked out on brides mid-task because I couldn't stand the way they were speaking both to me and to their fianc├ęs.
- I've had endless brides thank me in their toasts because I did so much work for the wedding I should have been in the wedding party.
- I've had calls the night before the ceremony about me being the MC- "oh, did I not tell you that I needed you to do that? In French?"
- I've had to offer therapy to bowls of goldfish being transported for table centrepieces to out of town receptions, located at the end of very bumpy gravel roads.
- I've had to take brides to second hair appointments on the day of their wedding because they didn't like how the first one turned out.

And after all that? Do I want to get married? Only if I can plan a very special anti-wedding.
You can take the girl out of the event planning job, but you can't take the event planning out of the girl. I don't dream about marriage. Mostly cause the groom in question is so fuzzy that I can't even imagine him into tangibility.

I do dream about the excuse to plan a party of that magnitude and with that budget. I wonder if I could convince my Dad to just front me the money anyways if I promise to invite him, and with the caveat that if I ever do find some sucker willing to marry someone as neurtoic and eccentric as I am, we'll pay 100%.

I'm thinking something along the lines of a carnival. I want a massive room separated into tents.

One tent will have burlesque dancers, with cigar girls and a live 40's era band.
The next tent will have a fortune teller - crytal ball, tea leaves, tarot, crystals....
The next tent will have karaoke/Guitar Hero/Rock Band
Of course we'll need a food tent.
Another tent will have a pool table, and an air hockey table.
Of course one tent can have dancing.
Maybe a mime can walk around.

And some awesome goody bags at the end.

And what does this have to do with a wedding? Not much at all really. The only things that are wedding like that I would want is a photographer, and cake. I like cake.

No speeches. No pouffy dress. No entourage all dressed the same, flocking around me and my intended. No registry. No showers. No stress.

Weddings are a big industry. I get that. But why do they have to be so torturous?
I am the best person in the world to have in a wedding party - I firmly believe that people should be able to have one special day that they own completely. But I don't want anything like what I've seen to date.

Cause in my mind? Weddings suck.



PinkPiddyPaws said...

Now THAT sounds like a wedding I'd go to! Make sure you invite me!! ha..ha.ha...

rachel said...

I am totally with you. I don't want to get married - If I ever change my mind - it's Vegas all the way.

Anonymous said...

Shawn and I got married in Vegas...no, not by Elvis but at the top of the Stratosphere and by a real minister. We had 10 guests total and I planned the wedding maybe for like a week. It was fun and stress free and a great trip too!

Six months later I watched my sister turn into a total raging crazy person for months on end over her big wedding.

Nope, big weddings are not for me either!

Alice said...

Check out my blog... u can read about my wedding

Prunella Jones said...

Oooo that sounds great! I want a big carny wedding too, with talking birds and dancing midgets, and all three Jonas brothers as my grooms. That would be fun. I'd make them into men and then divorce them the next day.

Chief Rock Chef said...

It took us 16 years to get married, and we had it as cheap and quick as the law would allow. People invited themselves along which made it fun and we had a combined wedding/house warming party a few days later.

But you are right - it is the relationship that is important, not the wedding day!

If you ever arrange that party, though, I would love to come along - would even gate-crash if not invited!

Shana-Marie said...

I'm not a fan of big weddings either. I would however like to revisit mine. To me, a wedding should be a day to remember fondly.

The story of my wedding... well, it was small, quickly thrown together, and was a total shotgun wedding.

Add to that the fact that my step-father-in-law messed with my invitations, greatly offending my sister in law and my aunt.

So yea... a revisit would be nice, but I don't think I'd make it any bigger than my first wedding was. I just don't see the point.

Glamourpuss said...

I am so with you on this - never could understand it. Weddings just seem like one big nightmare that turn reasonable people into obsessive twats. I'll jump a broom on a hill and have a big piss up if I ever do get married (unlikely).


WendyB said...

That sounds like a great wedding. As for me, I wore a slinky dress, changed into leather later, had the dogs walk down the aisle and the craziest looking cake I could dream up. It was fun! Oh, and only one bridesmaid -- my sister. I picked my colors to go with the navy gown she already had.

Meri said...

just found your blog and dug your post, so I thought I would contribute.
I'm not a huge fan of most weddings. I can dig that each wedding is special to that couple (and it's not about me), but as a guest I find most of them are generally very "same old, same old". My husband and I were actually talking about wanting someone that we know to have a low key wedding with a simple BBQ instead of all the pomp and circumstance. Maybe someday. Hopefully.
The carnival theme you describe sounds rockin'!!!

Jen said...

That sounds like a party! Love it! And, for the record, I never saw myself as a bride or even getting married. I never thought I would, nor did I want to. That all changed the day I met the husband. . . And then, all I wanted was a barbecue on my parents front lawn. (that didn't happen, b/c my parents looked into drinking/serving/supplying alcohol. . . it's not good if someone can't be responsible).

So anyway, I let my parents plan my/our wedding and I gotta say, that was the easiest wedding I ever took part in! They never got to hold the one they planned for themselves (my dad was drafted), so planning mine was like planning theirs all over again. I loved that they enjoyed the planning - it made it that much more special.

I'm coming to your carnival even if I'm invited or not. That sounds like too much fun to pass up!

Captain Smack said...

This is a great idea, and you sound like you really know how to throw a party. I do, however, have one suggestion. Seeing as to how this is an anti-wedding of sorts, it may be fitting to find some young, handsome man to act as the "groom". Then, at the climax of the festivities you would shoot him out of a canon, circus style, but much, much further away.

the frog princess said...

OMG, I totally LOVE this carnival wedding idea!

If I'm ever a.) rich, and b.) getting married (b being far more likely than b), I'm totally stealing it!

But there has to be a registry! That's the only way my kitchen will ever house a Kitchen Aid mixer! All my married friends have them and I drool with jealousy whenever I see them sitting there on their counters, all sleek and powerful.

Yes. I want to get married for the gifts.

Shallow? Party of 1? Your table is ready...

Princess Pointful said...

Oh God, I so needed this right now.
I'm a bridesmaid for the first time, and we've had to already start planning the bachelorette party... a year and a half in advance. Save me.

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