Tuesday, January 27, 2009

There's a line in the movie "Ever After" that goes something along the lines of "I thought if I cared about something, it meant I had to care about everything." The point being that it would be completely overwhelming, and that it was impossible.

Sometime I feel that way. Especially lately, I've been feeling that I've been trying so hard to care about everything that I ended up just failing utterly. "Epic Fail" which seems to be catchphrase around the internets lately.

That is genuinely how I feel as a person right now. Like one big epic fail.

Sometimes when a person tries too hard to be perfect they just explode and eventually either just give up, or do something really dramatic to get the point across that they are simply done.

The thing is, I haven't done either. What I've done is simply let being a good caring person slip. I've forgotten how to be compassionate. I've forgotten how to be patient. I've forgotten how to be good. I didn't realize that I was doing it until I sat and took stock the other day.

I had done something that I just couldn't quite justify away in my head. Yes, I could write about it here and probably make all of you agree that what I did was completely understandable, and maybe even convince you that I was in the right. But the thing is, I don't know whether or not I was.

It's not even that I know that I was wrong. I just don't know how to decide what the right thing is anymore. In the past 12 months I've had some major crap happen. Most likely the culmination of it all is pretty much therapy-worthy, but when it comes down to it? I simply can't reconcile what I've been doing with the person that I thought that I was.

I quit my job. And I believed that I did a good job there and that I would be missed and lamented. And yet, if I were to need a reference now? I don't think I could find one person from that company who would give me one. When I first left I had several, but over the past 8 months I've managed to completely alienate myself from everyone there who supported me.

I've lost at least three friendships in the past 6 months. One I very much decided that I couldn't handle anymore, and at the time that was fine. But some of the words that he said to me after I ended it still haunt me. And then a few weeks ago I did something that made me lose two other friends. I don't know why I couldn't have simply left those friendships to drift like they inevitably were going to. No, I had to do something to hurt those people so now I can't even call them if I wanted to. 3 friendships in 6 months? As much as I might be able (on paper) to put the blame on those people, I have to look at who the common denominator is.

Profiles on the booty call section of dating sites? And actually meeting one of them strictly for sex? This might not be the biggest sin in the world, but it's certainly out of character and makes me wonder what prompted me to even go there.

My doctor told me that I was "cured" after I quit my job. I didn't need to be on my crazy pills anymore. I didn't need to see him every couple of weeks. I had taken myself out of therapy and I was supposed to be OK.

So why am I still thinking about hurting myself? The next thing you know I'm going to start giving away all my things and making "plans." Jesus, how bloody selfish have I become?

There's no reason for me to be in the amount of pain that I'm in. I have a good life, and being restless and a bit lonely is no excuse for what's been going on in my head.

And yet.

Everyday I force myself into work and go through the motions without really caring about anything other than making sure my boss is happy. There's no passion. There's no sense of fulfillment.

I come home each night. I read blogs. I watch some TV. I read a book and am in bed by 10:00. I look at the phone when it's ringing and decide whether or not I can fake being happy for whomever it is on the other end of the line. Often I can't, so I don't bother answering.

This isn't living. It's existing.

Everyday I hear echoes in my head. Voices telling me all the ways that I'm letting myself and everyone around me down. Apathy hurts, especially those people who are perceptive enough to notice a person living in it.

I try so hard to make myself care about what's going on. I try to be silly with friends. I try to make myself carry on at least for the sake of those who would be hurt if I didn't. I try not to resent the fact that I didn't ask for this life. This so-called gift that I should be cherishing. No one has told me that I have to do the best I can with this life I've been given, it's understood that that's what we, as humans are obligated to do.

The people around me have their own pain. They have their own hurdles to overcome. No one should have to care about what's going on in my head. I can't be hurt about the fact that people aren't immersing themselves in my struggles when they have so many of their own.

When the voices and echoes aren't accusing me of living a sub-par life, they're reminding me of the fact that I cannot allow myself to be a burden on anyone. I can't be that weak and selfish. I don't have the option to hide away from the world. If I allow myself to do so, I will simply become an even paler shadow of a person than I already am. Almost transparent.

However sometimes it's hard to ignore the question: what am I really doing with my life? What do I really contribute to this world? The flip-side of that of course is - am I really trying to do something to contribute? Have I really tried to do something with my life? No one can do it for me now can they?

I used to hold myself to such a high standard, but I don't know what I do now. I drift along, wishing I could find a way to make things right with my old boss, with the friends I lost, with the voices in my head telling me over and over that I should be doing more somehow. Telling me that I shouldn't be like this- I have nothing to complain about, and that I should just try harder.

It's just so exhausting....

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