I Still Suck at Non-Dating

As some of you may have noticed on twitter, I had a wee bit of a girly episode the other day.

I had a completely innocuous email from internet boy and didn't know what to do with it. It responded to what I had just said, yet didn't engage me or ask any questions or anything. I didn't know how to respond because really? The topic was done.

Now you may be asking how long this has been going on. Well we've been e-talking for about 3 weeks now. I don't know if that's short or average or forever or what. But as much as I know that I will be having a 15 year-old-worthy freak-out when it comes time to meet, I was done with the ambiguity.

So, instead of asking more questions, or carrying on with a now dull topic, I decided to just put it out there. Do you want to meet? Is your interest waning? Cause if so, it's cool- but let me know.
I was MUCH more flowery and poetic than that. I used the word "perfunctory." And mentioned George Bernard Shaw and Mrs. Patrick Campbell.

I was eloquent.
Or possibly pushy.
Whatev.

I sent off the email and toddled off to bed, feeling girlishly justified in having possibly killed the non-relationship.
For some reason he always responds sometime between 12:41 and 12:49 AM each day.
I'm long asleep by that hour.

I rushed to my email the next morning and saw that he had responded.
Then closed webmail and finished getting ready.

I went to work and opened the email again.
Yup, it was still there.

Throughout the course of the morning I continued to check. Yes, the email remained.
Unopened.

Of course if I never actually opened it, then it would be like he had never actually ended the non-relationship right?
(Because of course by then I was regretting the message and had thoroughly convinced myself that up until I totally screwed it up, he was obviously meant to be the father of my children.)

So I tweeted about how I was too freaked out the read the email.
And of course received a plethora of offers to read it for me from my person, Sheila, Le Sombre, Kyla, Becky....
I have such supportive friends. Not one of them told me to just put on my big girls panties and just do it.

It was then discussed that Sheila and LeSombre should read it amongst themselves, hi-jack my blog, possibly post the message and discuss from each of their points of view.

For the sake of my blog, I must confess that I was very tempted to do all of this. Forward the messages, let my blog be hi-jacked etc. I mean just because I'm destined to be single until I die, doesn't mean that I don't have an obligation to be entertaining to my readers, right?

It was now lunch time, so I phoned my person and gave her my email password. She opened it up and started laughing. Assuming that she actually had somesemblanceofconcernformyfeelings I interpreted that as a good sign.

I will in fact post his initial response to the message:

Hi,
yeah, whatever.
Internet Guy


!!??!!

Next line:
I'm kidding of course.
I'd love to meet.

Now my person refused to read me the entire message over the phone, but I was at least placated to the point where I was capable of reading the whole thing myself.

Apparently we are to meet next week. Perhaps this week he is already too busy meeting other women?

So. I am both relived and chagrined by my own girliness.
And quite possibly just ridiculously a little disappointed that I couldn't do the blog hi-jack thing.

Tune in next week when I freak out about what the hell to wear when I meet him.

xo

Assorted & Wpg Blog/Tweet-Up

So I've been reading several quite valid laments of late that twitter has made blogging fall by the wayside a bit. I don't know how I feel about this, since I only tend to tweet things that are too brief for an entire post or very timely (i.e. who wants to join me for sushi tonight).

However, I have saved up some exotically juicy tidbits that I did not tweet (or tweeted very little about), and am putting them all into a post. I confess, some of them I probably could turn into entire posts - but I kind of don't wanna. So there.

- It rained today. (Wow, you really are scraping the bottom of the barrel Princess- talking about the weather?!) But not your average rain. Like torrential, Armageddon, bring out an ark, downpour. My walk from the bus stop to work is not insubstantial. So by the time I arrived at the office my pants were soaked up to my knees. (Like wringing out the water in my office - soaked).
So? I went to the ladies room, leg hitched up on the wall beneath the hand dryer. I got some odd looks. And I got a few sympathetic nods. But ladies? It works. I was super impressed with how well I dried off in just 5 minutes. Note: I looked very professional while doing this. And athletic.

- Saturday? I went to my cousin's jazz concert. It was lovely. And jazzy. Then? We went to see my Uncle (Dad to said cousin) in a bar with his AC/DC cover band. From 3 in the afternoon until 7 in the evening I was in a bar watching rabid fans get warmed up for the actual AC/DC concert that evening across the street.
You know who goes to bars in the middle of the afternoon? Alcoholics. Or people wanting to see strippers. It was weird to look out the window and see...the middle of the day. Bright, shining sun. While I was in a bar. Drinking diet coke. Starving, since it's not like bar food is particularly WW friendly.

- Then I went over to my person's and brought Subway. I allowed myself mayonnaise. Then I allowed myself a peanut butter cup blizzard. Size medium. Needless to say, I did not lose weight this week. BUT. I did not gain. I think it was all a wash. But the blizzard was worth it. This week? Back to rabbit food. Next Monday I had better be at a 20 pound loss. (Total. Not for the week. That would be alarming.)

- Winnipeg Blog-Meet/Tweet-Up: So I did the little poll on the side bar and it looks like people want something on a weekend, but not the LONG weekend, and in either the Forks area or taking over a section of a restaurant.
So this is my suggestion: Friday, September 18 (sorry, it can't be sooner, kinda busy on other weekends) at the Current at the Inn at the Forks. Maybe around 6:00? If the weather is OK - we patio. If not, we go in. I figure that way if people want to bring kidlets, they're welcome to and it's central (ish). And FYI- I'm not suggesting dinner. Just apps, drinks, find some new bffs.

If I get a big enough group, I can call ahead and book the room - so please feel free to email/comment/DM me your intentions. And please tell all your peeps- the more the merrier.

- Re: internet dating. Honestly, I have no idea what to do with this person that I've been messaging with for the past 3 weeks. We write daily. Occasionally a couple of times per day. But he's not giving me a lot to work with. His last message is just a response to mine, no additonal questions, very informational. I don't want to get all Lois Lane on him and keep asking questions, but I have no idea how to respond. After a while that just seems creepy and intrusive.
And I don't want to rush him with the meeting- I've expressed an interest in getting together- so if he's not running with it, I don't know how to interpret it. What if he is now caught in a penpalship that he doesn't know how to get out of? What if he's just being polite as long as I'm not being too pushy? Should I get pushy and demand a meeting? 3 weeks isn't that long. Ugh. I hate this.
Any boy experts out there? Can I send you my correspondence and have you interpret it for me? Maybe get all Cyrano for me, and write something so that he is at least willing to make a move?

That is all.
xo

Who was on Mars and Who was on Venus Again?

So here's the deal-io with the post below. (No I'm not linking, it's right down there...)
The questions stems from my indecisiveness on how to deal with some of the men in my life.

Back in high school there was this guy who is now, in my mind, the incarnation of all that is evil. He liked to play mind games with people, he liked to date my friends and treat them badly. He liked to manipulate people and see what he could get them to do.

BUT. He said that he wouldn't do that crap to me because I don't play games with people and I'm kind of above that sort of thing. At the time I was mildly flattered, but mostly thought it was a load of crap. Now as I type this, I realize that he liked me and that telling me that was most likely his was of being manipulative. Clever bastard.

Anyhow. Before I had that earth-shattering epiphany I was going to say, that I always kinda thought I was just a bit too clueless to play games. I could never do the coy coquettish thing, so I went for blunt and honest. That in and of itself is pretty surprising to most people, because EVERYone plays games. I could prove how even YOU play games - but it's not the point of this post.

The point is, I kind of took what evil-boy said to heart, and I pride myself on being a non-game-playa.

But I'm also an over-analyzer of people. (Hey, I am a girl yo.) And when it comes to men, I genuinely do think they're from Venus. Or Mars. Or wherever it is that they're supposed to hang.

So I tend to not do things that I might be inclined to do because of the male-female dynamic. Now I know that there are some people out there who have very successfully had opposite sex friendships. Britt and Adam. Hilly and Dave2.

But with me? More often I end up with situations like in this post. And to be honest, in my mind I kind of view all friendships with men to have an expiry date. Either a) you start having sex and it becomes awkward b) one person develops feelings for the other and it becomes awkward c) one person starts dating someone else and it becomes awkward. Either way? It's all just awkward.

I don't know how other people manage it - because this is the story of my life with ALL of my male friends. And then situations like this make me question my role and importance in their life.

D2 and I were very good friends, but every time he had a girlfriend I would go months and months without hearing from him. And even worse- when we did get together - he would lie about it to her. He didn't understand that by lying, and never introducing me it made something innocent into something dirty. It got to the point where I felt like trying to seduce him just on principle.

And I always got the feeling from him when I would ask about the girls (ya know, like their name), or resent the fact that I was ignored for months on end that he thought that I wanted him, or that I was jealous. So then I would go out of my way to tell him that I didn't, which then sounded overly defensive and almost insulting to his delicate little male ego.

So the question below? Resulted from me deleting an email that I was about to send charming lawyer suggesting that we get together for lunch or something sometime before our next committee meeting in October. Deleted for fear that he would think that I was flirting with him.

Because men? Have egos. And they either are delicate, or WAY over-developed. So I neither wanted to have to defiantly clarify my non-interest; nor did I want him to smugly assume that I was all doe-eyed at the thought of him.

So I deleted the email. It all just seemed too complicated.

I bet you're going to tell me it's all in my head, right?

Question

This is a "looking for male perspective" question.

If you (male) have a friend (female) and she expresses something along the lines of:

- I miss you, when can I see you?
- You ignore me when you have a girlfriend. Why?
- You're awesome (followed by BIG HUG)

Or something along those lines...

Do you assume that she WANTS you? Or do you take it at face value?

Annoyed

Things are annoying. Including that sentence. I mean really? "Things?"

OK then, here's a list:

- I bought jeans on Sunday. Sunday. As in 2 days ago. I went down a size. This morning they were tight. I almost cried.

- The fact that I almost cried is annoying. I mean I'm eating rabbit food - the jeans will fit again tomorrow. Get over it.

- People who don't read the entire email then reply with a question that is answered IN THE EMAIL BELOW.

- People who have more holidays than I do.

- The fact that I am wearing a fleece at work today and was wishing that I'm wearing socks.

- The fact that the bracelet I'm wearing keeps hitting the desk with an annoying noise.

- The fact that 90% of my "To Do" list is un-doable because everyone is on holidays.

- The fact that work is paying me to go to Vancouver in a few weeks, but it's just day trip. So I will just have one REALLY LONG DAY. (PS do I have any readers in Vancouver? Wanna hang out in the airport with me?)

- I am currently watching Firefly on DVD. It ended after something like 14 episodes. It is brilliant. And hilarious. I do not generally LOL - yet I do frequently when watching this show.

- TWO photo radar tickets totalling over $400.00. I have never received a speeding ticket in my life. Suddenly I have 2.

- This post.

How about you? Any annoyances you feel like unloading? The forum is open.

On Suffrage and Representation

Occasionally I get tired of all the things I am "supposed" to do and feel. It gets annoying being an enlightened, independent woman sometimes, ya know?

I am not supposed to obsess occasionally muse that it might be nice if I weren't single.
I should be STRONG and PROUD and SELF-SUFFICIENT.

Uh huh. I am.
But I do have a couple of friends who make me feel crappy about occasionally getting frustrated with this situation. It's annoying when you can't just be honest about how you're feeling, because you're scared of looking weak and needy.

I am not supposed to be content that with my current education and skills, I most likely won't have the opportunity to become much more upper administration than I am now.

I should be AMBITIOUS and MOTIVATED and want to be CHALLENGED .

Uh huh. But what about having a life? My last job dictated my existence to the point where even when I was out for fun, I was collecting business cards for potential clients, and I had to listen to certain radio stations at different times to monitor them, and I was called non-stop even when I was sick. I want a job. AND a life. I don't want the job to BE my life.

I should want kids. It's the most important thing that you can do.

Uh huh. It quite possibly is.
Or I can be an awesome "aunt" to everyone else's kids. I can appreciate them as the adorable little demons darlings that they are, and not compare them to my own. I want to be able to sleep-in, and use my money for me. And, as I've mentioned before - I'm pretty sure I'd be mean to any kids I had. We don't need another child on a waiting list for therapy do we?

I should know how to do home repairs and change my own oil etc. Don't propagate the stereotype.

Uh huh. Yeah, I should learn that. And I could also very flippantly mention that my hiring of brawny men to do this work for me contributes to the economy. But honestly? I simply am not interested in cars and home reno's and those kinds of things. I'm sure there's a need for people out there who can wrap presents into works of art or plans parties/showers/staggettes for all her friends whenever they need it. And if not, well then it's a good thing that I have a full-time job and contribute to society that way.

Sometimes being female, I feel like I have to represent.
Like the fact that we've traditionally been opressed by THE MAN means that I am obligated just by virtue of my gender to be an example, a modern-day suffragette.

But the thing is? I don't wanna. I don't want to have kids. I would like someone to fix that crack in the wall for me. I'm content being mid-level admin. I wouldn't mind being part of a couple.

I don't think this should make me a poor representation of our sex. Because isn't all this feminism battle mostly about choice? About the right for us to choose how we live our lives, and having the freedom to do so?

Well, I've chosen.

Shallow?

OK, if you're morally opposed to weight loss blogs, then I suggest you mark this post as read right now. I promise to write something extremely provocative and diverting for next time.

OK, who's left?

First of all, I have to say that I have been on WW for a little over a month now, and have lost 14 pounds. Record-breaking? No. But still good.

I haven't done any kind of major cheat yet. I've dutifully tracked each point every day. I find it fortunate that I appear to have the right kind of personality for this tracking, point calculating thing. However there definitely are some things that I've found surprising about this whole process.

1. I don't really care about no chocolate/cheesecake/burgers etc. I get enough of those little 100 calorie desserts that I don't really feel deprived. I don't eat them everyday, only when I have some points left over for them.

2. What I miss? The top contender for that is cheddar cheese. Absolutely.

3. The point tracking? Is occasionally a pain in the ass. Tonight I had to do a bunch of math to convert grams into ounces then ounces into cups. Only to find that pasta really isn't worth it anyhow.

4. The Safeway "Eating Right" brand? Is awesome. It has an interesting variety and is genuinely really good for you. Love it.

5. I grocery shop ALL THE TIME. It's annoying. Probably because I'm eating at home so much. And probably because it's mostly fresh food. But still, somehow I don't feel that I'm saving money by not eating out so much, since I'm easily spending $100.00 each week on fresh food at the grocery store. Ugh.

6. It's annoying that I think about food ALL THE TIME. And not in a dreaming about cheeseburgers kind of way. But just because I have to plan out my menus so much. And I feel like this diet thing has become all-consuming. I don't know how I would do it if I wasn't a single girl living alone.

7. I also think about how I will look way too much. I am dying to lose enough that people will notice. It hasn't happened yet really. If I do this sensibly I should be at my goal weight sometime in the spring. That's a long time away.

Honestly, the worst part about all this is just how much I'm thinking about it. I really feel like I've become one of those self-obsessed people who only care about how they look. I am really not much fun to socialize with now if it involves food. Food is just such a part of how humans gather together. Dinners. Coffees. Girly lunches. Dessert. Snacks with movies. Ugh.

And do I have to do this forEVER? Am I going to be this self-involved and annoying until I die? Is it worth it?

Cause let's face it people, a lot of this is done strictly for the sake of vanity. I want to look better. I want boys to look at me. I want girls to be jealous of me. I want to be able to shop in ANY store. I don't want to look in the mirror and feel like crying anymore.

I know those aren't the reasons that an enlightened independent woman should have. I know that I should be doing it for my health or my own sense of well-being or something like that. But honestly? I don't think those reasons would be enough for me to carry on. My own health? Nope- we all gotta die sometime right?

But? Looking hot. Wearing cute little dresses. Being admired.

As long as I'm not catty about it, those aren't totally terrible reasons are they?

Are they?

Token Girliness

So the past few posts have been rather introspective (translation: no fun/downers) and I realized that things around here have been distinctly un-princessy lately- so I decided to girl things up a bit with a mini pictorial of my life.

Above? My fabulous pedi from last weekend. I still find it amazing that little wee flowers can be painted onto nails like that. It's so frivolous, yet sweet.

My person (AKA my bff) is also my personal decorator. I bought these flowers for my condo forever ago and then stared at the box in horror when I realized that I had to actually do something with them. I.e. putting a zillion holes in my wall to mount them. I decided that was way too much responsibility to take on - so I had her do it. Aren't they pretty?

Back when I thought I had a few dollars to spare (two photo radar tickets later, that is certainly NOT the case) I invested in some jewellery from a Stella and Dot party. So I got a lovely bracelet and earrings.

I also would like to celebrate the fact that I had a major milestone on the WW front: a pair of pants were officially too big to wear this week. AND I pulled off a pair of jeans without undoing them this weekend. Awesome.

I saw Julie & Julia on Friday. It made me hungry. And also inspired me to cook. Then I remembered that all I eat is vegetables- and based on how much they glorified butter in that movie - I really doubt that I would be taking on the same project. Perhaps I can cook my way through the Weight Watcher's cookbook. IS there a Weight Watcher's cookbook? One sec.

* * *

Ok. Yes there is. Anyone want to send me that since I'm all impoverished and stuff? I didn't think so. (There are apparently several cookbooks- so feel free to send me a different one if you like).

I got a message on one of the dating sites the other day- which reminded me of the fact that I actually have an account on said site. I really should be on there more often - they make for awesome blog fodder. Oh wait, I just remembered why I stopped for a while- cause I accidentally stumbled across my brother's profile. Not in a "hey this looks promising" kind of way- but just in a too-close-for-comfort kind of way.

In case anyone from Winnipeg is reading this- I would like you to step away from the reader for a moment and fill out the poll on the actual blog. It seems that I have some actual interest in a Winnipeg Blog Meet/Tweet-Up - so fill out the poll and let me know when and where works for you. It seems that my initial idea is the least popular idea so far. Good thing I set up the poll.

This is becoming suspiciously akin to a bullet post without actually claiming to be so. But at least I think I've covered girliness in most of its forms.

I trust you're all having a spectacular weekend lovies....

xo

Idle

I had a dream the other night. I was sitting down having a conversation with my ex boss about everything that had happened with us until that moment. She looked at me in such a familiar and disappointed way asking me how I could have misjudged her so. How could I have thought that she wouldn't understand how I was feeling?

It's so hard, over a year later to hold onto the pain. The frustration. The anger.
It's so shocking, over a year later that I'm still thinking and dreaming about it.
It's so frustrating, over a year later to still want to reach out to her and find out how she's doing.

I don't know how to hold grudges. I can decide to "break-up" with a friend, and a few months later wonder if I made the right decision. If it was really that bad. If there was really no other recourse.

Leaving that job was one of the biggest decisions I've ever made and I'm shocked how much it still haunts me to this day.

I look at where I am now:
In a fabulous job where my boss genuinely appreciates me and trusts my judgement.
No longer in therapy, taking anti-anxiety meds, or visiting my regular doctor every few weeks.
No longer getting sicker and sicker as the time passes from Sunday morning, to afternoon to evening.
No longer throwing up before work each day.
No longer having anxiety attacks in the shower.

I wish that there was some sort of happy medium to be sought and found. I wish that I could hold onto the very rational reasons for each time I have made the decision that I refused to be treated in some manner that was damaging to me. Either by a boyfriend, friend, job or family member.

But I don't know how to do this without becoming bitter and petulant. I don't know how to simply remove myself from the situation and calmly assess what needed to be done.

I either live in the moment and let it damage me, or I remove myself from it and have doubt and forget why it was SO necessary.

Is this an endearing quality? To not hold grudges? Or is it naive and immature?

I want so much to know how my ex boss is doing. About her move. About her health. About how the company is doing.

I want so much to know how my ex friend D1 is doing. Where he's living. If he's still with his girlfriend. What his plans are.

Is this natural? Once you cut someone or something out of your life, it should be done with totality. You can't make such an extreme decision and only do it half way. You have to understand the consequences of your actions.

I no longer have the right to know what's going on with any of these people. I cut them out and removed myself from their lives. To preserve themselves from that hurt/betrayal/anger they had to build walls around themselves. They would most likely reject any overtures I made. Or misinterpret them to be more than they are.

They deserve more respect than idle curiosity. No matter how I think they treated me, each human being on this planet deserves better than idle.

How I wish that I could hold onto the anger in some small measure. To cherish a tiny piece of it to be brought out whenever I needed a reminder of why I made that decision. To forget means to start the cycle over.

Two Hours

If you really want to get to know yourself, get into a car for two hours with someone you don't really know well at all.

That's when you truly see which parts of yourself you're willing to freely toss into the air and which parts you keep tucked away like precious jewels for those who are truly trusted and dear.

Even direct questions can be answered in a dozen different ways.

"Are you close to your brother?"
Each question brings with it a crashing wave of feelings and memories and associations, and even a simple query like that forces a decision about how forthright I want to be.

"How did your mother pass away?"
Though over 20 years have passed, that tentative curiosity brings with it a sting of pain and sense of loss.

"Why don't you speak up more if that bothers you?"
I find myself regretting not censoring myself more and awkwardly try to talk around what I've just revealed. How I wished I could read his thoughts and know what his true reactions were to my words.

Even silence is judged by others. When you try to simply listen and absorb and learn - that behaviour is interpreted in a variety of ways.

"You're not comfortable in a group are you?"
I can't tell if it's a criticism, an observation or a sympathetic acknowledgment. Nor did I feel comfortable pointing out that his loquaciousness rarely gave me the opportunity to contribute.

Two hours isn't a long time when choosing to spend it with those you truly cherish.

But with someone you don't know? It's more than enough time to learn whether you would like to invest another two.

Though we couldn't read each other's thoughts, and each off-hand comment was open to interpretation, those comments were still reflective of a choice made.

And who are we but the sum of our choices? I chose to be either forthright or guarded. I chose to either giggle at his humour or merely smile.

Many of those choices were subconscious, which made them even more telling to me, than they were to him of who I truly am.