Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Dear John Black,

What's shakin'? How are things? How's Salem been treating you these days? I'm good, can't really complain. I had a baby a few months ago - I'm sure your gift is in the mail.

Anyways Johnny baby, we need to have a little chat. It's about how disturbing your character has become on Days of our Lives. I mean, let's face it, things have gone a little downhill, especially in recent years.

Back when I was in high school, my girlfriends and I used to sprint home at lunch in order to catch you every day on tv. Of course, Bo wasn't too hard on the eyes either, but this is about you. Hell, in 1994 and 1995 you were named the Hottest Male Star by Soap Opera Digest, so you know you were good.

Back then, though you were quite a bit older than us, you were the "delicious mystery guy." The one we always loved, the one we cried about because we were so glad you and Marlena were together - you make such a good couple! Yeah, you were that kick-ass ISA agent/priest/pilot, with a bit of a renegade streak in you, just enough that we were always on your side, but enough of a bad boy that we always wanted more.

But things have changed John, and it's not pretty. I realize that plots must change, and now you're the quasi bad guy, dealing with the fact that you now know you're really a DiMera. It's rough finding out in your later years that you're not who you thought you were, but those are the breaks.

But what's with the hair as black as fresh tar? I mean, you're 55 years old, even a 10 year old doesn't have hair that black.

And why the extremely slow blinks? Or for that matter, why do you talk so slow now? I realize that sometimes slow blinks are good for conveying the seriousness of a situation, but half the time your eyelids aren't even in sync! The slow blinking paired with the slow speech kind of make you look like you're recovering from some sort of paralysis, and you're not having a good day.

And for some reason you've also grown your hair into a kind of upside down triangle. I'm not entirely sure how that came about, but it looks you got it all styled, then ran yourself head first into a wall. I mean, don't you have people for that? Doesn't NBC give you guys a crew for makeup/wardrobe/hairstyling that will keep you from looking like a tool?

I wish I could tell you that I could overlook all these drastic changes in you - sadly, I can not. I might be able to get past the hair, and I could even get over the fact that you're kind of a bad guy, because now you're filthy stinking rich. But I just can't deal with the fact that your eyes blink independently of each other, like some sort of amphibian.

Sorry John, but this girl is moving on...I'm starting to think Steve Johnson is hot, and the dude is sporting an eye patch.

I used to be your #1 fan,


*Hi to all you readers of The Princess Diaries! Obviously, this isn't the Princess herself, but she had asked me to come do a guest post for her since her life is in total and complete chaos at the moment. I wasn't entirely sure what to write about, and John has been on my mind lately - lol - so there you go.


PinkPiddyPaws said...

Good grief, I haven't seen Days in.. well.. years! But like any good soap opera, watch one day and you are caught up for another 10 years.

Shana-Marie said...

oh dear... you're so right! John's just creepy now...

Princess of the Universe said...

OMG this is hilarious! I used to love love love John Black.

I guess I missed him becoming a DiMera though. The last time I checked he was uhhh...after the priest I think he was Forrest Alamain.

Now he's evil??? Seriously I should have caught up on Days during my time off between jobs - that sounds worth watching!

terri said...

OH MY! I had no idea. My eyes! My eyes! The horror.

*WEEP* He used to be so hot. Good thing I have no time for Days anymore. This is just heartbreaking.

Chief Rock Chef said...

Not a guy that I know, but um...

But whatever happened to guys growing old gracefully? Does they dyed hair really fool anyone? And some of the facelifts guys get! Some guys have been lifted and tucked so many times they must have pernanent neck-ties by now, if you get my drift!

Great post, Ali!

Anonymous said...

I met him in person several years ago. He smelled really good. I asked him to do the "evil eyebrow" and he did it :)

All Mod Cons said...

Shows how much I know about TV across the pond...I thought Days of our Lives was a made up programme on Friends!

Anonymous said...

ok, so after reading this post I was channel surfing and I came across days.
I havent watched it since marlenna went all devil like...
When the heck did they bring steve back from the dead?

Anonymous said...

Hi, you wrote that so well. I had a big laugh, thanks!

Designed by Lena Graphics by Melany