Monday, August 11, 2008

Goo

I went for lunch with K the other day and we were discussing women and self-esteem and all that kind of thing. I know it makes my people sad, but I don't think particularly highly of myself. I mean I don't think I'm dumb or god-awful ugly - but for the most part that's all the credit I'll give myself.

Glamour Puss asked me the other day why it is that I find people to be so draining, and whether it was because I feel that I have to please them. In a sense, yes. That's a big part of it. In another sense it's also because I put so much effort into "handling" people.

You see a lot of people confide in me - which I love. I love that I am able to give people some sort of outlet for their frustrations. But at the same time, it shows me a side of a lot of people that not everyone sees. I see what annoys them, and what they hold back from showing people. I see that they grit their teeth and "put up with" people around them.

Now because I know that people do that, I don't ever want to annoy people myself. So I am constantly censoring and measuring my words and actions. Before I speak to anyone I pause. It's just a moment, but it's enough to give me time to gauge their reactions and figure out what kind of mood they're in and how to word what I want to say.

It goes beyond apologising for interrupting. It's assessing their mood, and frame of mind to the point where I will just walk away and not say anything if I think it's going to cause them to be annoyed with me.

Now one might say that this is common courtesy and that everyone does this. I would think so too. I mean doesn't everyone go out of their way to not annoy people? Apparently not. You see the Princess had therapy, and there I found out that what I was doing I was taking to an extreme. I still have a hard time believing that, because even as I'm typing it, it sounds like such a reasonable thing to do. But apparently I'm not entirely correct in that.

So it's safe to say, that along with not thinking very highly of myself, and not really trusting people - people kind of scare me. I think it's a combination of knowing what goes on in my head - and how frustrated I get with humanity, and listening to what people confide in me, and knowing how everyone else feels.

So yes, I find people draining. Not necessarily in a bad way- but in the way that makes me need to take some time out every once in a while. Some time to kind of re-charge and remind myself that just because people vent about other people - doesn't mean that they are complaining about me to yet other people. There's no hidden message there that the things that they are saying to me about "someone else" is actually in reference to me.

I don't know where this insecurity comes from. And on top of that, I then get frustrated thinking that people even take the time to think or talk about me at all. I mean it's not like I'm that important anyhow. Why would they even bother?

Why would someone bother hacking into my email? Why would people bother monitoring this blog to make sure I don't post something I shouldn't? Why should I worry about posting up photos of myself on the internet? No one is going to be stalking me.

Seriously!
Before my Mom died she used to tell me all the time how amazing I was.
My friends will cheerfully tolerate me sending them emails at 2AM saying "I feel like a loser, tell me why you're even friends with me."
My brother gushes about me to all of his girlfriends.

So why do I constantly feel like I little pile of goo? Why the need for drugs and constant sleep? Why therapy? Why this post? Why am I rambling?

Actually, this is a good question- why am I rambling about this? I'm sure everyone has moments of feeling gooey - apparently this is my night for it. Thank you my darling internets for letting me have my moment of ...uhh...whatever you call this...

xoxo

11 comments:

AmyTree said...

The things we do to ourselves... even as I am reading your post thinking "How tiring it must be, how sad that she feels the need to censor herself" I realise I do the exact same thing. Better a martyr than second-best, eh?
Have had One of Those Things happen to me recently, still reeling and trying to work out how to deal with it. Not going to blog it because it's not really appropriate, but can't get it off my mind.
Must. Try. Harder.
For the record, I most definitely think you are fabulous, clever and beautiful, even if sometimes you don't. (And I haven't even met you!)
xxx

PinkPiddyPaws said...

you are rambling because it's YOUR blog and you get to put stuff like that here. it helps to get it out AND it helps you to work it out and it lets US be here to support you! :)

Glamourpuss said...

You know, I empathise with that feeling. I rarely confide in people or offload on them simply because I think they have better things to do with their lives than listen to me venting. But a lot of people confide in me and always have. I mention this because I think therapy, possibly subconsciously, can make you think sharing such stuff is meant for therapy, not friends.

Anyway, thanks for answering my question :-)

Puss x

Jen said...

We all have our down in the dumps days. Hope yours is short lived.

Shana-Marie said...

I know exactly how you're feeling... I've been and am there too.

I don't know you. I read your blog, and I find you and your life so terribly interesting. I want to know you. I'm excited to meet you. I think you're a fantastic person, and I think in part, I feel something of a kinship to you.

now I'm babbling on your blog, and I don't even know if I'm making the slightest bit of sense.

Everyone has down days, and everyone's allowed to have them. *hug*

Princess in Galoshes said...

I love all the little candid shots of you! You are so cute! :-)

And yes, I think a lot of people do constantly self-censor. That's what keeps us from being assholes. But it's o.k. to be a little selfish sometimes, too, and just talk about what you want to talk about. One of the many perks of having a blog. And good friends.

Anonymous said...

so I have something to confide...
This friend came over on Saturday, to help me bake...
LOL.
I think everybody censors, even me.. I Know hard to believe, but its true...
Hope your having an Oatmeal Raisin Nut kinda day!!!!
Nick

Jen said...

I don't confide in people either, but it's not b/c I don't want to offload on them. It's due to the fact that anytime I have, it's come back to bite me in the bum. Only if I've been friends with someone for years now will I open up a little reveal now and again.

As always, I think you're fabulous! I'm glad I found you on this here big internetz!

Princess of the Universe said...

Thanks everyone!
I love you all, and appreciate you indulging my self-pity!
xoxo

Hilly said...

Wow, we could be twins. I recently wrote about being the friend that knows and keeps secrets here. It IS flattering and draining all at the same time.

And I'm totally a rambler too...that is what YOUR blog is for, missy.

Karl said...

I'm the wrong person to ask about self esteem issues. I, too, have been through truckloads of therapy and I don't know that I'm any better off for it. I think you're quite pretty, for what it's worth. Course, you're all the way up in Canada so what good does that do me?

And yeah, it's all about me.

 
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